Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

I would simply explain that you’re not able to make it as the baby will likely be breastfeeding. Wish them the best and explain that he’ll either need to ask his family to watch the kids or speak to them to explain why they can’t come. Just put it all squarely back on him.

Just send one message with the three options and say. No drama, ex just needs to choose which option to go for. A. You and baby go
B. They go without you and he sorts childcare for them
C. They don’t go but will be disappointed about it.

His choice. No drama

Why on earth should OP ask her ex's parents to look after his children at his wedding??!? This is for him to sort out.

Agreed. If he wants them there then he needs to make suitable arrangements. Me personally I just wouldn’t go because I’d have no one else to look after a baby.

crikey he moved on fast,and the baby is not here yet.see if anyone your Mum Dad etc can look after the baby and take the kids

Ah that makes more sense. OP stop stressing and tell him it’s up to him.

‘Baby not being invited means I am unable to come with the children due to breastfeeding. If you want them there you’ll need to arrange someone to watch them.’

So soon after giving birth you probably won’t even want to go and will feel exhausted and you’ll love a day with just the newborn. Tell him that he’s their father and he needs to arrange childcare as you can no longer attend as you’ll have just given birth to a breastfed baby.

Sorry I meant ex should ask his parents to supervise.nor OP

This is a good message too

I think you stay at home with baby. Ex can ask relatives if he wants children there.

It is weird that they invited you in the first place irrespective of how good your co-parenting relationship appears to be. In my opinion they initially felt obligated to invite you, but after some pondering, decided that the reality of having you present on their big day will make things incredibly awkward. The baby is the perfect excuse to rescind your invitation.

Your presence- particularly with a new baby in tow- will raise eyebrows amongst guests, many of whom probably attended your first wedding day. There is a risk of your baby potentially screaming during the wedding vows-can you imagine having your vows and speeches interrupted by your ex's baby. It would almost seem like a bad omen and a reminder of his previous failed marriage! It is incredibly awkward, but I think you should bow out gracefully and allow your ex to find a suitable chaperone for your children.

6, 4, 2 and a newborn. Realistically, would you even have been able to look after them all on your own anyway?

I presume baby is a with new partner, but still quite a fast turnaround from splitting, meeting new partners and marrying/having child respectively, as youngest is only two.

I bet if the bride had 3 young kids they'd manage to sort out who was looking after them.

It's ridiculous that he expects you to leave a newborn to 'babysit' his children at HIS wedding.

Would he really be so bad as to not have them there if you can't go? The cheek of telling you that you'll need to sort something out is off the scale! They're his children as well and it's his bloody wedding!

Would you not invite your children if you ex wouldn't come and babysit them at your wedding?? I'm going to bet the answer is a hard no!

Unless they are officiating, I can't think of a job at a wedding more important than making sure the bride or grooms children can attend.
I know quite a few people who missed their dad's weddings as children. I know one who wasn't included in their Mum's.

I am assuming you don't actually want to go particularly? I mean you get on but you're not actually bothered about going? So ex just finds a auitable volume of relatives (GP, aunts, cousins etc) who will take care of kids. You may need to pick up 2 Yr old early for sure but surely the others can be accommodated by other caring relatives and you stay home with the baby. You may not even be in a position to go (eg colicky or <unwell baby as an example)

God, no matter how civilised things are who goes to their ex's wedding?!

Ring his parents or siblings get someone to take the dc or they don't go. Obviously, tbh.

The baby will be a few weeks old at the most. She is going to breast feed. They can't be away from their mother for a few hours. A breast fed newborn baby needs to be with it's mother.
But also why should OP be responsible for making arrangements the ex should be facilitating the arrangements so his children can attend his wedding

To be honest it’s weird that your joint children have been added to your wedding invitation. They shouldn’t need an invitation as surely they will automatically be there as they are little and his kids? To be honest it sounds like you’ve only been invited so that you can be a babysitter for them. If they really wanted you there they’d have invited your partner and your baby. I’d just graciously decline the invitation as you’ll have a newborn, but say obviously as he’s their Dad you fully understand that he’ll still want the children there so will be accommodating if it falls on one of your, rather than his custody days etc. Also don’t fall into the trap of being responsible for buying the children’s wedding outfits, that’s is their Dad’s job.

Yes but he isn't so she has to.

Your DC need to be there, you don't. If you are on good terms with his family, ask them to work out a child care rota , if not, ask Ex to ask them. His wife might be amenable to finding a way for DC to come if it means you don't. Weird to go to your ex's wedding and the new wife needs to welcome it .

This isn't your problem to sort out.

Tell your ex that you won't be at the wedding as you can't leave your baby so he needs to sort out his children for the day by ensuring they have appropriate supervision.

If he says "we need to sort this out"...no HE does, not you.

If he can't work it so the kids can come to the wedding without you looking after them, he needs to source childcare if it is a normal contact day for him. Yes, shame for his children to miss his wedding but he needs to make appropriate arrangements and take responsibility, not rely on you to fix it for him

My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

"We" being the women as if he has nothing to do with it?

Just say "sorry ex, I will be breastfeeding my newborn and won't be able to leave them behind.

So either the baby comes as well or you'll need to make sure your mum or someone can look after our kids at the wedding. Let me know what you and bride decide."

It sounds like they want a child free wedding but are making an exception for his own kids. You need to tell your ex that when they invited you, you assumed they'd considered the fact you would have a newborn by then. As you've now found out that's not the case, you are now unable to come to the wedding and as the children's father, if he wants his kids at his wedding, he will need to facilitate this. TBH, the fact they didn't invite your partner sounds like they mainly wanted you there to look after your joint kids, and are still expecting you to run in circles to do that, despite having a newborn that is not invited.
Don't let them convince you that you're being unreasonable not wanting to leave your newborn or are the one creating the drama, their expectations are what is causing the drama.
Don't let your ex be avoidant and stay out of it, he's the common denominator here, he should see the problem, want his kids to be there and finding the solution, not stepping back for you to handle it. By stating out of it, he is actively increasing the friction.
Explain to your children that you need to look after the baby and babies aren't good with weddings, they're too loud, you'll need to leave the service to change nappy and it's disruptive etc, phrase it in a way that doesn't villainise their dad or his new wife.

See I see this as evidence of a super mature, child centred approach to coparenting. Bloody brilliant.

op I’d send a friendly version of the 3 option approach - you really can’t leave a newborn and won’t be up to running around after 3 excited toddlers. It’s for ex to sort out but I love that you are helping him, because in doing so you are helping your kids and showing what real grown ups look like.

that you can be like this with a relatively recent split is even more impressive. Massive congrats to you both.

Exactly. Can't imagine what it would be like hearing him promise to be faithful to another woman and be with her forever, and thinking, yeah, you said that about me a couple of years ago, mate, and now I'm here as an unpaid babysitter because you couldn't be bothered sorting out childcare for the kids you made with me.