Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

agree they can pay for someone to keep an eye on the kids if you are not allowed to take your baby. How old are your children?

Just bat it back to him.

“I won’t be leaving my newborn home without me so you’ll either have to find someone else to look after the children or tell them they’re no longer invited”.

If there are no other children invited I would be assuming it’s a roundabout way of uninviting the kids and making it your “fault” rather than theirs. Absolutely do not allow that to happen.

I presume she doesn’t want a crying baby at the wedding, or a newborn to steal the limelight. Can you perhaps allay her fears and say that you won’t let the baby disrupt proceedings.

Before anyone piles on the new wife..it’s a very big deal to have your ex-husbands previous wife/mother of his children at the wedding, even if you get on in day to day life.

I think your options have been detailed above.

One idea I had is, I don’t if it’s in a hotel and you can you get a room - so someone can (your mum/baby’s father) look after your baby while you go downstairs and you go back and fourth and you share the childcare with your older children with their paternal grandparent/uncle and aunt.

But really, gently, I would look for ways you can facilitate your children being at their dad’s wedding, without you and your new baby being there.

"We need to work something out"?

No, he needs to work something out!

Just trying to help out Op- could it be that only DH'S children are going as they're children of the groom but other family etc have been told no to bringing their children / babies and the bride therefore thinks she's been quite reasonable to say your shared children can come and just thinks your baby can be with their dad? If you got on til recently I doubt she's doing it to be funny, it's probably linked to a blanket decision about other guests etc. Still a pain but weddings are soo hard to please everyone.

Bring your partner who can stay in the hotel room with the baby

Why would you want to attend the wedding of your ex? If he wants his Dc there, he needs to sort it out!

I don't think I'd be wanting to go to my ex's wedding, baby or no baby. Can't their grandma or an auntie on their dad's side look after them for the day?

You really won't feel comfortable leaving a baby that tiny behind and it will be a long day. I guess you could get your partner to stay somewhere close by with the baby so you could nip in and out for feeds, but that seems like a monumental faff for something you really don't need to be at at all. It's a bit weird, let's be honest.

But it’s not your drama to sort.

You stay at home to breastfeed your newborn. Absolutely every right minded person would understand that.

What the groom (father to the children) does with his children at his wedding is up to him. It doesn’t need to involve you at all.

Whilst, it would be incredibly sad for your children to miss their dad’s wedding, that wouldn’t be your making. He is the one who needs to find one of his relatives to watch the children.

When they’re older, they will understand why their dad and his new wife were being so bloody unreasonable.

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out,

What a shit...

"Dave I thonk uou are confused.
I am doing YOu a favour. I'll have a 4 week old baby... Gemma is childless so i give her the bemefit of the doubt as she may not appreciate what she's asking.
Ultimately this is about you and her not me...There is no "working it out between us" this isnt a me problem, it's a you problem.

its pretty simple.
I'm happy to chaparone the kids if you want but I'll need my newborn with me.
If you both refuse to allow me to bring my newborn you need to:

• find someone else to mind them
• mind them yourselves
• or look your children in the eye and tell them they cant come because gemma wont let mummys baby come.

I'm heavily pregnant dave so not really fussed but as I see it I am doing you a favour.
Ultimately this will impact your relationship with your children so maybe take an interest instead of shrugging your shoulders.

What a loser....

I would say you aren't leaving the baby and he needs to sort someone to watch the children at the wedding. If not sorry but they can't be there. I know you feel it's unfair on the kids to miss out and it is but thats on him and her (mainly him as he's the parent who should be sorting it) not you. I'd have looked after my own SD on my wedding day, not invited her mum and expected her to be childcare for the day.

You shouldn’t be expected to leave a newborn with anyone for any length of time including the dad.

Even if dad came and sat in a hotel room what happens when baby needs feeding - mum and all kids go back and sit there for an hour or so? Totally unworkable.

as someone else said your DH has three choices.

1. your baby comes with you
2. he organises someone to look after his children
3. his children do no attend

If they want her to organise the children then either they fork out for a hotel room for the Op & husband so he can look after the baby or they recruit someone else to watch them.

Not really the OP’s problem to resolve.

He needs to work out how his children can attend his wedding. It’s his problem.

Book a room somewhere close by so the baby can stay with its father and you can pop back regularly for feeding etc., leaving your other children for that short while under the supervision of your ex PILs (your childrens’ Grandparents)

Bridesmaids regularly do this, so do countless other wedding guests when babies are excluded from the wedding. Your added complication is, of course, your other children, but surely your ex husband’s family can step in to help

This is about the bride not wanting you there. Fair enough. The children are looking forward to it. Tell ex to sort out childcare for the day so they can attend.

But it’s not your drama to sort.

Exactly. I imagine they've only invited you so they have a built in child minder for his children for the day. Let them work it out. It's not your problem.

This really.

tell your ex he is involved already because it's his wedding and his children. His wife to be Is being completely unreasonable expecting you to go without your newborn, but a company your older children.

I presume what has happened this so they are having no children except the grooms children and your baby doesn't fit into that demographic, but she's not using one iota of common sense to realise you're not gonna leave a newborn baby.

They can choose. They either have you and the baby to look after his children OR THEY sort someone else out to look after his children.

I wouldn't be leaving a newborn baby with anyone not even the babies's father, a newborn baby Needs its mother.

Think this says all that needs to be said really.

It's not your responsibility to sort out childcare for your exh. If he can't sort it out he needs to be the one to tell them they can't go.

Sounds to me like new wife has found the perfect way to keep both you and your children away from their big day but by making it your fault.

I suspect she thinks a newborn will take up some attention, plus you’re his ex which will draw attention to the fact that you are there.

Surely someone from your ex’s family can watch the children, they are their family too?

You're right @TreadlngWater , it's not your responsibility to sort this out.

But, the difficulty is that if your ex doesn't sort it, and your dc don't go, they are the ones it could have a big impact on. The fact that their exclusion would be down to the groom and bride, won't matter if this causes long term damage to their relationship.

I'd consider trying to reach out to your ex's family members if you still have a reasonable relationship with them?

Very much this! Useless man, trying to stay out of it when it's his own children and his own wedding

That's ridiculous, why should she have to go to all that trouble and expense to facilitate the groom (EX) having his children at his wedding, it's his problem. She was happy to help out by going and taking the newborn and looking after his children, but bridezilla doesn't want that, therefore it's their problem to work out

If it's hours away were you planning on staying over? If so surely baby's dad can come along too, hanging around nearby so you can nip out to feed etc when needed but otherwise supervise your children?