HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

You've been posting this for days.

Nothing is stopping you reporting it, just your own fear of how he will react.

It's not just your word. If you really have seen a GP and taken photos of your injuries they are not words- they are signs of an attack.

I have been reading the charging code and guidance for that, evidence required by Police case guidance, everything I can find really. What if he says I was the aggressor that day for e.g.

I can't believe you're posting things like this.
He doesn't have bruises does he? He's not in pain from you punching him.

His position in the community is not relevant.
He's brainwashed / groomed you into feeling scared and caring what people think.

I see what you're saying - @GottaBeStrong

So the point of going to the police would not be to get him charged per se, but to help get him out of the house right now?

He is saying to his sister though that he is okay to sell up and split the equity and he does not want to be in the marriage either with such a person and he is done being a saint apparently

He has spoken to my DM and DB yesterday (he knows I am speaking to his sister) to say he is more than happy to finalise a split, and he has shown more patience than any man would have with a (nagging, bitchy, shrill) woman like me

He is so believable, most times I do too. except not this time.

I’ve just been to court for a sexual assault, no evidence, no DNA on any of the victims
he was found guilty of all charges. We were listened to, believed and looked after

please get legal advice - what would they recommend to get him out of the house

I think this is what I need to do now..... Legal advice is the way to go and filing motions to get him out. However, I cannot afford this place on my own anyway, I cannot afford to buy him out so in the end, we have to sell and I have to walk away with my share of the equity and buy a smaller single mum place of my own anyway. A police filing that goes nowhere is only going to make him the opposite of cooperative on selling, child contact arrangements (?) (DS2 is 18 in 6 months), and financial split and not making it ugly for the whole family.

Some of the evidence that the police considers key in a charge decision apart from the self proclaimed victim saying it happened (looking at it from a police perspective, I am someone claiming to be the victim to them, I have a bruise, I say he did it, with intent to harm).

> The actual 999 call recording right after the incident (there wasn't one)
> Body worn camera footage of the police offers who attended the scene in response to the 999 call (there isn't any)
> The scene of the incident photographs (signs of an assault etc).

What should I have done instead of running further into the house was running outside into the garden or front driveway, all houses are so close to each other that they are almost on top of each other, and screamed and let neighbours see the altercation and be witnesses.

To add/clarify as I don't think I wrote some of it clearly, the doctor did not suggest I leave my marriage or my house.

They asked how I was feeling, I said I was very angry and did not even want to see his face or talk to him and I was taking steps to leave him, the marriage was over as far as I was concerned, and that he felt that way too.

Then I was asked if I felt safe and free to go out of the house, visit family friends etc. when I wanted to over the past few days. I also go into work a few days a week and I have been following my routine per usual.

You say that he will blame you, and you post as if you blame yourself.

Here is the truth:
Let's say you were full of rage and anger.
Let's say you shouted, and ran at him.
Let's say you hit him.

For the record, your posts indicate you did none of that, but let's say you had done.

This does not excuse him hitting you. Ever. Full stop.

He can argue that he put a hand up to stop you and made contatct. But that doesn't explain the following three blows or the significant bruising you now how.

And you have evidence of prior assault.

It was not your fault.

As he is making such an effort with your son, and presumably his family and church, an arrest will be humiliating for him. He's getting his justification in first.

You can still call the police. But it is hard to make the move.

I hear what you are saying about selling the house and splitting the proceeds, in the meantime would you rather be living there with DC & him move elsewhere? This will be regular stuff for a family lawyer to help with - good luck

I am copy pasting the DASH checklist on here, for anyone now or in future reading this thread and in the same horrible position, you have it all in one place without having to go to various links - great advice from other posters on here and the signposting they provided and all the data I have been copy pasting if you filter my posts.

This is the risk assessment checklist domestic abuse agencies will use to assess if we are at significant or moderate or low risk of harm. Police also have to complete this form for the case file and to assess existing ongoing risk (for bail conditions etc.).

The checklist can only be really completed by a trained DV professional though, so this wasn't for me (or anyone) to self assess, but just to get a sense of what the risk assessment entails.

1. Has the current incident resulted in injury (Y/N) . Please state what, and if this is the first injury.
2. Are you very frightened (Y/N) . Comment.
3. What are you afraid of? Is it further injury or violence (Y/N) ? Please give an indication of what you think (name of abuser) would do and to whom, including any children.
4. Do you feel isolated from family/friends? Y/N. Does (name of abuser) try to stop you from seeing family and friends.
5. Are you feeling depressed Or having suicidal thoughts? (Y/N)
6. Have you separated or tried to separate in the past year from (name of abuser)? Y/N
7. Is there conflict over child contact? (Y/N)
8. Are you pregnant or recently had a baby? (Y/N)
9. Does NOA (name of abuser) constantly text, call, contact, follow, stalk or harass you? (Y/N) Please expand whether this is done deliberately to intimidate you.
10. Is the abuse happening more often?
11. Is the abuse getting worse?
12. Does NOA try to control everything you do and/or are they excessively jealous? (Y/N)
13. Has NOA ever used weapons or objects to hurt you? (Y/N)
14. Has the NOA ever threatened to kill you or someone else and you believed them? (Y/N)
15. Has NOA ever attempted to strangle/choke/suffocate or drown you? (Y/N)
16. Does NOA do or say things of a sexual nature that make you feel bad, or that physically hurt you or someone else? (Y/N)
17. Is there any other person who has threatened you or who you are afraid of? (Y/N)
18. Do you know if NOA has hurt anyone else (children/family member/previous relationship)? (Y/N)
19. Has NOA ever mistreated an animal or the family pet? (Y/N)
20. Are there any financial issues? (For e.g., are you dependent on NOA for money, or have they recently lost their job?) (Y/N)
21. Has NOA had problems in the past year with drugs, alcohol or mental health leading to problems in leading a normal life? (Y/N)
22. Has NOA ever attempted or threatened to commit suicide? (Y/N)
23. Has NOA ever broken bail/an injunction/or formal agreement for when they can see you/or the children? (Y/N)
24. Do you if NOA has ever been in trouble with the police/ has a criminal history? (Y/N)

TOTAL YES RESPONSES :

He's told his sister we can't afford two separate households till DS2 finishes 12 more months of college. But we can put the place up for sale well before that to be able to afford it.

I don't believe a GP will tell you to leave. They will ask questions to try and ascertain how they can help support you best, which is what the doctor was trying to do. This is why it is important to be honest with professionals as they cannot help you properly if you don't answer the questions accurately.

No decent doctor is going to want their patients to stay in abusive situations, let's be honest.

Anyway, the police can support you with removing your abuser from the house. They can also refer you to domestic abuse organisations for ongoing support.

Legally - you can go to Family Court for a non molestation order and/or an occupation order. The occupation order allows you to stay in the house without him, essentially. In order to get this type of help, a record of previous DV incidents is helpful which is why you should report him. In addition, support from a domestic abuse organisation is also of use in Family Court.

Consulting with a family solicitor is a good idea. Many of them give a free half hour to start with.

While your son is not long off being an adult, technically he is still a child and as a parent you have a duty to safeguard him. Continuing to keep him in the abusive household would be seen by Social Care as not safeguarding him. They would want to see what steps you are taking to remove him from that environment. They do have the power to require victim parents to leave abusive parents in certain circumstances.

I do not see the value in getting caught up on the legalities of whether or not you have sufficient evidence to prove a crime. That is for the police to decide, and ultimately a charging decision would be decided by the CPS if the police were able to build a case to present to them.

I would still urge you to report him. I would hate for you to regret not reporting him. As much as you think you might regret reporting him, I have come across a number of victims who rue their decision to slip away without reporting their abuser.

Thay is all well and good, and well done for going, but it has no relevance as to why you are not reporting it to the police.

@PinkPanthreess

He's told his sister we can't afford two separate households till DS2 finishes 12 more months of college. But we can put the place up for sale well before that to be able to afford it.

This irrelevant. He can have as many chats with his sister as he likes (is she feeding this back to you?) It makes no difference.

When couples divorce, it's not a case of one person telling another (ie a family member) what the division of assets will be.
So your H can't tell his sister what he wants etc.

This will be decided by a solicitor/ courts taking into account your situations- who has contributed what, joint assets and how children will be provided for.
Division of assets is the next step.

The first is seeing the police.

I don't think you will, being honest. But everyone is hoping you will.

I am also sceptical if your GP said or suggested some of what you've posted, although you have rowed back a bit and said you didn't explain it clearly in your post because you didn't tell them the whole story.

I am mentally prepared for children services/social care now to walk in soon and ask me how I plan to safeguard my son till he is 18+ from this abuser who lives in my house. I knew that would be a very likely consequence of going to the GP, unless being almost 18 and not at home at the time makes a difference.

Maybe they can help with DS2 understanding that things can't just go on as before and that is his dad's fault not mine that things have to change. I do think I need to look into counselling for us once we are away from this environment

You need to stop focussing on “ his word against yours”. Who cares if someone believes you or not, at long as you are safe. The truth will always come out in the end

@PinkPanthreess

I've just read your posts so sorry if I repeat things. And FWIW I'm in the US so some things I say might not apply in the UK

You say he is 'giving his side' to various persons. Do you know specifically what he's saying? There is a big difference between "I hit her, but she drove me to it with her nagging/shouting/bad behaviour" and "She 'came at me' and I defended myself". If it's the former, where he basically admits he struck you even if he says he was 'provoked' which is no excuse, would the people he's telling his lies to be willing to write letters or repeat what they're told to the police? Even though you have the horrific bruises and there is no excuse EVER for physical violence, it might help if there are 'ear witness' statements.

I also agree with a PP that you should ask your SiL to try to get him to leave the home. I doubt it'll work, but what do you have to lose?

In the US if a person reports domestic violence that results in the perpetrator being taken into custody the decision as to prosecute is the District Attorney's, not the victims. The victim can refuse to testify or cooperate, but they don't have to agree with the decision to prosecute.

Again, I'm in the US and I left my husband and the marital home due to his drinking. In actuality I had to be escorted out by the police as he would not let me leave.No violence so he could not be forced to leave. The main thing though is that legally speaking, my being the one to leave had absolutely no effect on my claims on the marital home. This was verified in our financial settlement of 50/50 split when the house gets sold. I also am not required to pay any of those household bills as I was not/am not living there AND I am having to pay for a flat, utilities, etc for my own 'shelter'.

I think at this point, when you're ready, you need to speak to a solicitor. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything'. It is just to familiarize yourself with what a divorce may mean to you. Take a 'snapshot' of the family finances (both incomes, assets, pensions, mortgage details and show them to the solicitor.

I also believe you should definitely report him to the police, no matter what your sons or your SiL say. Your sons need to understand that there is no excuse for violence and that men who do violence must pay for their crimes. What they are learning now is that "Dad should be allowed to get away with it". That is not a lesson you want them to absorb. If their dad had beaten a man in the street would they say he should get away with that crime? Probably not. Well, there is no difference. But bottom line is, you have the right to make that decision and though I might disagree, I respect that right.

Peace and you are in my prayers.

duplicate post deleted

I do think you are being brave though by reporting it; I’ve been on threads where women are going through sexual abuse as well as psychological / financial abuse and are no where near reporting anything so I think we need to give you some credit for this. Anyone that’s been in an abusive relationship knows how hard it it to take steps to leave but you are going in the right direction . Keep going!

You can absolutely sell ASAP and in the meantime where he goes to is his problem, not yours. If he didn't want to leave the house he shouldn't have whacked you over the course of 10 minutes

The point of reporting to the police is to have the assault on record.

Charged or not this means the police can flag your situation as high risk if you call them regarding him again.

It’s also the difference between him claiming it was a one off and not premeditated if he hurts you again. Or heaven forbid, if he tries to kill you. His lawyers won’t be able to argue he was a good man who went temporarily loopy.

It also means that future women can run a Clares law on him and find out that there is domestic abuse in his files before pursuing dating him.

And yes, it should get him out of the house, hopefully giving you time to sell up.

It also shows your son that the behaviour of his father is unacceptable and has consequences.

It also shows your local community that you were serious enough to go to the police so there’s probably no smoke without a fire.

That is the point of going to the police. Yes ideally he will be charged and jailed, as he should be because he’s an evil bugger. But either way, the most important thing is that we don’t protect abusers by keeping their abuse secret. Becuase that only winds up being to your detriment and your sons and other women around him.

I wondered if the GP was also part of the 'community'. And male.

I find the whole GP experience a bit odd.

OP didn't need treatment for the bruises, so seeing the GP was a cry for help and to get it on record.

So I'm trying to understand what she said when she saw him. Assume it was 'my husband hit me'.

I'd have expected any GP would have suggested making a complaint to the police, not asking if she had anywhere to run away to. They should have advised reporting.

That makes no sense to me and I don't know what to think.

@PinkPanthreess You describe the GP asking if you were free to come and go at your house (ie not a prisoner) and if you felt safe.

That really is a weak response from a dr.

And what did you say?

Did you say you were barricading yourself in the bedroom? That you were trying to get the lock changed on the door? That you son was having to sleep in another room as you were sleeping on a mattress in his room?

So you weren't honest.

Every post here says you are terrified. You are terrified to speak to the police i case your H kicks off, in case you are ostracised by this religious sect in your area, his family, etc.

You're not being honest and it's not helping you.

You've had so much support here . Have you spoken to any of the charities and support groups? I can see how talking here is a comfort but you need to try to go further.

Yesterday I had been added back on our family What-sapp group by DS2. I had left last Friday. I thought of staying in case mandatory info on DS2 needs sharing with his father.

Earlier today, DS2's dad spoke to me via this to say, lets get house on market, look for rentals near college, and he expects it may take 6 months to sell and was talking to local agent.

I have thumbs upped this plan, it is very much what I want to, I don't see any hope anymore after Friday at all - for whatever many reasons, this man hates me.

Except it is unclear why both of us need to move out for the six months it takes to sell. He has mentioned the numbers to split on expected sale/equity and it was generous I mean it was as if both us are taking the stance of take what you want I just never want to be abused by you again.

He is very much behaving like the good guy stuck with a bad woman.

I have found a few reasonably priced decent rental flats near the sixth form college DS2 goes to now as suggested