HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

You do not need to show bruises to be the victim of domestic abuse. You don’t have to “prove” it but you do need to stay safe. My ex husband was arrested for basically throwing a chest of drawers down the stairs with my stuff in it. My dc were young and we were all terrified of his awful temper. You are doing great at staying calm and pragmatic but you don’t sound like you feel safe right now.

Here are some other resources for you:

https://hersana.org/our-services

https://www.sistahspace.org/how-we-can-help

https://africanwomencare.org.uk/services/ (for all BME women)

https://www.lbwp.co/refuge-service

https://hopscotchuk.org/womens-centre/domestic-abuse/

For African Caribbean women:

https://claudiajones.org/services

You are waiting for your children to be ready for you to report the incident to the police. Are you ready for them to have to report your murder because you looked at their father the wrong way? This is a horrific situation to be in but you are waiting for your children's validation of your assault. You might want it, but you do not need it. Good luck OP

This is, kindly, ridiculous.

You said you wanted to do the right thing for everyone.

That means reporting him.
Not trying to protect your son from the reality of what's going on.

For goodness sake- first, he's been turfed out of his room and now you are barricading yourself in the spare room!

Can you not see how wrong this is and traumatising your son?

Then get to your doctor to get the marks documented.

There aren't really any, except a vein in my arm seemed bright green for a day
visible even on the dark brown skin

SO basically the first slap was open palmed , I was sat down at the time luckily on the sofa , and that one fell against my ear and side of my face - i then put my arms up shielding my head and face - the second blow was on my arm again open palmed but felt the bones on the side of his hand strike my arm between shoulder to elbow on my arm

I went to the kitchen , and blow three was there against the kitchen counter - I was pressed against it with him in my face, I feel hazy on my memory of blow three , again I think I held my arms up in shield, and he did strike me I believe as I then started pleading, pls stop pls stop pls stop - was there a fourth blow is what I am unsure now. But I remember I started sinking to the ground, and him saying yes get down on the floor get down on the floor -I got down and he was looming above. Maybe he was telling me to get on the floor to break eye contact so he could snap out of it?

If any of you posted this, I would be absolutely disgusted you have not actually driven away yet , far away as possible from this criminal. Instead of barricading yourself in your room and using your 19 yo presence to feel braver. I am sickened by my weakness.

Anger at the criminal is useful, to a point. Overwhelming self disgust is just further immobilizing though.

Getting my head around 'arrest' , they take him to the police station for questioning and filing an initial record/report of the complaint.

Next steps depend on whether he confesses or denies, yes?

If he confesses, the case is definitely registered - and he has to post some sort of bail - depending on their assessment of the seriousness then, he may have to stay away from the house for 30-90 days giving CPS time to decide whether charges are pressed and the case is prosecuted or not , yes?

SO based on reading on here in most cases, the man has to undergo hours at the police station, the whole experience itself becomes a deterrent to them coming anywhere close to the woman again , they then proceed to divorce/separate?

But what about the cases where the man doubles down in anger and revenge after the experience of having to go down to the station, be grilled. This second type of man not fully sane , might completely deny the accusations, make counter accusations? Decide to make the other person regret the reporting with every resource possible to them? Launch a campaign of parental alienation?

My instinct tells me quiet running away from this criminal is best. My sons can ensure that any new woman who H may introduce on the scene is fully appraised of the dangers that await her, as will my friends in the community and my neighbours, all of whom I plan to keep informed

Just my thoughts, still thinking this through

I used to be brave, 27-30 years ago, before I met him - I have not been in a very long time

@PinkPanthreess your son's don't even support their own mother being safe (by reporting him), what makes you think they'd be interested in protecting random future girlfriends?

Op he will be questioned of course and yes he could deny it, its still logged like a paper trail for future reference,
you can ask for a restraining order so he's not allowed to come near you or contact you,
Please ask for advice from the police, explain your fears,

My instinct tells me quiet running away from this criminal is best. My sons can ensure that any new woman who H may introduce on the scene is fully appraised of the dangers that await her, as will my friends in the community and my neighbours, all of whom I plan to keep informed

This is nonsense.
I'm sorry to be so blunt.

You are seriously expecting your sons to take on talking to a new girlfriend and warning them their father is a violent abuser?

You're very quick to call him a criminal but you won't actually make him one in real life.

Words are easy. Actions count.

You are over-thinking the whole thing.

It's not complicated to outsiders.

You report him.

You're putting yourself through another hell by chewing it over.

Your responsibility is to yourself. Not to keep other people happy or in ignorance of the truth.

I don't know if this thread is helpful to you any more, other than a brain-dump. Nothing has changed since you first posted. You're doing mental gymnastics, but not focusing on the one thing you need to do.

If you can't , no one can hep you .

@JinglingSpringbells is right:
I don't know if this thread is helpful to you any more, other than a brain-dump. Nothing has changed since you first posted. You're doing mental gymnastics, but not focusing on the one thing you need to do.

There is no point in any of us responding to any more, as you are determined to just go over and over why he's "a criminal" and why you are so sad and why you can't really do anything useful about it. I feel sorry for you and for your sons. You've been presenting yourself here as someone who is "together" and an "empath" and "strong", yet I'd bet a lot of £££ that we'll be reading another thread by you six months down the line where you're still wallowing in this abusive marriage and religious cult. I wish you better than that.

Report this abuse and ask for help to leave today. Your DS deserve better than having to arrange your funeral. No cult/religion is worth your death at this criminal's hand.

Please report him, OP.

You can also apply for a Non Molestation Order against him.

Day 3 today and I can see a 100pc , that not only does no one here think I would actually report him to the police, they don't even consider I might leave the marriage

Not talking and staying the guestroom instead of in the main bedroom is as far as they think I will go.

They do not think I will even go to my mum's for more than 4 weeks max if that, as when I am not working to pay mortgage or college tuitions I am bending over backwards to wash up and cook , for DS2, (even if I am not anymore for the criminal STBEx since friday) - my DS2 is so pampered and spoilt even.

Well yes, you're right, we do think that. As all your actions show that it is true.

I meant ppl here at home actually (think that)

I wonder if 'next time' he pushed me down the stairs in a year or six months, and I was unable to get up - would they (family, DSs, grandparents, SIL) still expect me to crawl around and still continue to somehow pay bills and continue to make hot food and clean plates appear on the table

Probably. Because you haven't reported him.

I don't see why. Your son knows, so it's not like you're protecting his reputation there. You say you'll tell the community (i doubt it) so the reputation is gone there too if you do.

So what is holding you back?

You get a lot of sympathy. But eventually people stop caring when you make no effort to escape. And your son won't respect you, if that's what you think.

Well what’s the hold up on leaving him op?

To be honest he should be the one leaving but considering he’s violent I think I’d just go.

Ruminating on your choices won’t make it any easier. It’s not planning though at this point it’s procrastination under the guise of such.

if you intend to leave and stay elsewhere then what difference does it make if it makes him dangerous, cause you won’t be around him anymore anyway.

Time to put back on those big girl pants and make a choice.

Please stop caring what family think. They don’t want to rock the boat for their own selfish interests. You can leave without reporting him to the police if that feels less daunting right now. You are in shock and no thinking straight. It’s disgusting how he’s tried to make excuses to your sons that his violence to you is ok. That gives them the green light also to abuse their future partners.

i do think you should speak to women’s aid.

Only DS2 is here - and I think the consensus is their dad was very wrong, it was a 'horrific and shitty' thing to hit. push, slap , physically bully and intimate a woman esp one's one wife - but it was one act of madness after years and years of 'being a good person' -therefore I am expected to keep this in the family to sort out.

@PinkPanthreess your son is 19, not a child but not a mature and experienced adult. Do not act based on their opinions. You are the adult here, it’s happened to you and you do not feel safe.

I’d be clear that it was not though. He’s been abusing you for years. Words are also abuse. And that he took glee from your pain. That’s not normal.

Id ask your son if you think people who mentally and emotionally abuse people are good people?

Then id say “don’t you think it’s the case that we want to think of the people we love as good people but when they show that infact they are not, through their actions, we should believe them. Men who hit women are NEVER good people. You are wrong about your father. And I’m sorry”.

Be very clear. There is no nuance.

But you also need to be firm with YOU. Your son can think what he likes ultimately, he is not the one being bullied and assaulted.

I would urge you to speak to a domestic violence organisation who can do a CAADA DASH risk assessment with you, regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. This is a risk identification tool that helps professionals to understand the risk your abuser poses towards you.

Even if you do decide to stay, it is important you receive specialist advice on how to stay safe. If you wish to consider leaving they can also help you develop a safe exit plan. The time when things have escalated and you are considering leaving or when you actually leave and then first 12-months post separation are volatile and come with increased risks as the abuser has lost control.

You are already in a position where his violence has escalated and where he is aware that you have been thinking of leaving. This puts you in danger and is why posters are urging you to seek help from a DV support organisation and the police.

You deserve to feel safe and respected in your home.

I think you have a complex situation because you are not only dealing with domestic violence and abuse but what sounds like high-control religion and possibly misogynistic cultural norms. It's like being mind-bended from multiple angles.

Love does not hurt.

Your sons should want their mother to be safe and respected. I believe it is important for you to model for them not only the boundaries a woman/wife should have regarding how she is treated, but also what they as young men should want and accept for women and girls. Heaven forbid they go out into the world thinking this is an acceptable pattern of behaviour.

We have to break the generational trauma cycle for our children.