HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

Thanks again to the person who posted some more links

I did leave a message on the Southall sisters yesterday and will be speaking to them so this is logged by someone somewhere who can keep a record. My GP / the NHS has two records already, once from 15-17 years ago once from about 10 years ago. There were no bruises the second time but went to ask for something to calm me down. There were marks the first time. So this is actually the third time in 25 years

But he has a very very very long list of my sins and he says anyone who hears his side of it, will see he has behaved with restraint with anything. The only thing that I keep telling myself every time I waver is none of my sins are arrestable offences AT ALL (being bitchy, trying to cut people using me off from not calling them over anymore, not being a polite and cordial enough daughter in law the first few years of our marriage etc)

What your children think is neither here nor there.
They are children (one of them at least.)

No one is expecting you to carry on as if nothing has happened- just you.

You are the adult here.
You need to show them what is the right response here.

It comes over as if you're always looking for excuses not to report him and using your children as the excuses.

You had masses of sympathy at the start but you must see it's dwindling.

I'm sorry but I've nothing to add and no one else can either.

Hi OP, we're so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💕

Please find the strength to report him.

I am going to say this.

THIS is not the behaviour of a man who loves Christ. THIS is the behaviour of a wolf in sheeps skin. Remember the verse not everyone who says Lord Lord is acknowledged by God.
I admit the police in some places have a deservedly rotten reputation for dealing with black victims of domestic violence and please make no doubt about it what you have posted really is domestic violence and not something a real follower of Christ would engage in. IF you had told me about this at church I would have a) advised you to contact the police and get advice from woman’s domestic abuse helplines in your area and b) logged the incident via safequarding policies.
TBH you taking those ahem ‘slaps’ aka physical and intention hits and not reporting him lets him think he has got away with it and could do more next time. BTW from experience of church safequarding around domestic violence there is always a next time but you will never know when that will be.

You may not feel able to contact the main domestic violence but could contact Christian specific domestic violence National organisations. I would not advise speaking with your church if they are into paternalistic heavy shepherding type church in which the victim is blamed for speaking out. Good church z leadership will invite in external investigation from statutory bodies as they know the investigation is not within their remit and will always act to safequard and protect the victim.

It doesn't matter what you have or haven't done. Nothing excuse violence towards women and girls. Ever.

My abuser is British-born Caribbean. He grew up in a chaotic family and was taken into care where he was immediately and continually abused by the people who were supposed to care for him. As an adult, he is a traumatised and manipulative individual. He continually used his culture to try and excuse his behaviour towards me and our child. I also came from a high-control religious background and this made me vulnerable to someone like him

It doesn't matter what the cultural norm is or what the religion supports - this abusive and controlling behaviour from these men is never acceptable or excusable. We should be stamping down on it and publicly blasting these men to Kingdom come.

My abuser is in prison for what he did to me and our child. I am continually openly speaking about what happened to me because abuse thrives on its taboo and closed-doors nature. These abusers try to manipulate everyone into thinking we are crazy women who drove them to it. Part of his family support me, and part think: it takes 2. Well you know what, it doesn't take 2. It takes 1. 1 man who makes the choice to try and have total power and control.

I hope you hear back from Southall Sisters. They are a great organisation. If not, try one of the others. Don't give up.

THis is the URL of restored UK. IT is a national organisation that provides additional Christian support for those experiencing domestic violence but who are uncertain if it’s okay because it has been presented as ‘Christian’ . it can also link you in with a more supportive Church fellowship if one of the issues you are facing is the church taking the side of your abuser. I would like to say that does not happen but sadly I know from listening to victims it does.

The advice of restored is to contact secular helplines for real help as they provide additional faith focussed support in addition to what the secular helplines already do. it really is okay to contact the secular helplines for advice and it certainly is okay to make a report to the police as soon as you feel able to.

www.restored-uk.org/survivors/i-need-help/

You husband is an abuser. Full stop. Your sons family and church are enablers, full stop. There is no excuse for anyone raising a hand to anyone, ever.
That’s it. Report it. Get Out. None of them truly care about you.
They only care about what you do for them…… I’m sorry @PinkPanthreess but you need to look after you now

I lied before on here to not be outing - I am from the BAME minority communities in the UK but not Black.

I genuinely thought maybe there were no bruises on my brown skin as maybe that kind of redness on bruising you were suggesting would be there maybe only was visible on white skin. I could not see any on my outer left arm where I held it up to ward off two blows.

I did not notice this or could not when showering yesterday but there is a mirror in front of the bathtub and when I went for a bath today, noticed it incidentally and shocked anew.

BLue, purple, black, grey discoloration all the way one long stretch below the shoulder to above the below.

Have shown it to DS2 now

I changed couple of other details to not be outing. But doesn't change the facts.

I was going on and on about the female friend on Friday, I took her out of an upcoming event group with a polite excuse that she would have known was BS and she went very quiet, then on some feeble excuses HE hit me. Nothing else of consequence happened on friday before the violence

The other thing I changed to not be outing and hear what a bad mother I am - DS2 is 17 not 19 , at sixth form college.

Oh God .....

Everything else is accurate, he was vehement that I not report to women's aid or anyone on friday, that is true, everything else is.

I have reported before though as I said twice to GP, and social work have been home that one time when DS was 13.

Any report I make now, I think will be taken very seriously

Definitely not staying in the marriage and HIM

The only 2 questions are will he leave the house as SIL said or shall I. It may be that I leave temporarily and then come back when he has left

And how, when I report this

Perhaps you should consider WHY all your IRL family and friends AND all the anonymous women commenting on your posts here, ALL think that.
Prove us wrong.

So now that I see there is the mother of all bruises

I will go to the GP tomorrow, it is in fact aching. will say its hurt to move it , there is a slight ache when i move it and ask for pain killers

same as last time will say how it happened.

They will report it onwards like they did last time

Pls pray for me he does not go crazy again when I go to the GP and incidentally have to admit how it happened to get medical pain relief.

I will ask GP to log it and I might want to use it as evidence later.

I found this to understand CPS process and am reading it, sharing it in case anyone else finds it useful. Not limited to, I know, but I think especially in, British minority and mixed race communities, there is more patriarchy and minimisation of DA, for sure.

HMCPSI – The service from the CPS to victims of domestic abuse

The facts you have changed make a big difference to the replies you've had.

Please take photos of your bruises as evidence and save them to your email not just in your phone.

Its good that your kid is only 17, that means he’s maybe still young enough hopefully that you can keep talking with him and make him see it is never ok to hit people and that it is our moral duty to stand against abusers of women not excuse their behaviour.

I’d be having the chat with him about “what sort of man do you want to become and do you want to be one of those men who stick up for people who are abused or, who defends abusers?”. That there will be countless times in his life where he realises men around him are not good to women and that a decent man removes himself from these people where possible.

I’d of course tell him that I understood that when it’s a father there are other feelings involved and that’s valid. But that we never ever ask a woman not be silent about abuse. That is never ok. That you understand if he wants to remain in his dad’s life but that he should take this incident as a serious lesson in doing whatever it takes to address his own issues and never become his father.

That life gives us tests. Sometimes they are hard. But we mustn’t be cowards about them. All that it takes for evil to prevail is that good men and women, do nothing.

He wasn't there when it happened @JinglingSpringbells

Oh and

Psalm 11:5: "The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence."

How would your reply differ @JinglingSpringbells ......

As someone who’s been through this.. I fear you won’t report this you seem hung Up on logistics, some other women and what your children will think.
It will get to the point you brush it under the rug like you’ve done before as that’s less scary than starting new.

He should be removed and not allowed back in your home. If you don’t report this now you’ll keep making excuses not too. I’m sorry I’ve been through this and this post is painful to read.

Thank you for your post, you are so right

Your son is now learning that he can get away with beating women. Good lesson for him there.

Another long walk his father has taken him on, third in as many days, not one before the whole summer

I would tell him he can say no to these walks.

And that he aught to be careful of anyone trying to spin the narrative that it’s ok to hit women. They don’t have anyone’s interest at heart but their own.

But really, you need to get out of there asap. Your kid too tbh.