Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

Urgh - when my exh moved in with me he brought his own washing machine with him (was a better one than mine) then pretended he didn’t know how it worked despite it being his and he had lived on his own for 3 years. I didn’t heed that warning sign…

What bothers me on this thread is the number of posters who say ask him to move out.
Tell.
It's her house.

My gran told me to never feel sorry for men. She wasn’t far wrong. Please yourself. He sure will. He’ll probably have more respect for you.

I haven't actually read any of the other replies but here is my advise having recently had to adjust to my boyfriend of 5 years moving in with me (and my 19yo son) recently.

It sounds like you have found love, and are very happy in this relationship. My boyfriend never irritated me until he moved in and I became aware of some of his annoying habits! It really tests a relationship and I am sure is the reason they always used to say 'the first year of marriage is hard.'

I wouldn't give up on this, personally. I would give it time; have the chat.

My boyfriend has to go away with work sometimes and I absolutely love that time, having the house to myself again sometimes.

My exH was excellent with housework, cooking etc.. My boyfriend however - not so much! He hasn't been married before and tends to sit back and let other people do domestic stuff. He cannot cook (and I don't especially enjoy it but have a bank of easy meals I stick to). However, he is brilliant at mending things.

I am very happy, we get along great and so I have settled it in my mind. He might have driven me mad had we met when younger and had babies together, but we didn't, I had children with a very hands-on person - so it's not important to me at this stage of life; we aren't under the pressure of sleep depravation and caring for little ones. It isn't desperation, I could live alone but he makes me happy. Moving in together is a big adjustment. Boyfriend has a dog, too and I have cats so they have had to adjust to each other as well. Getting out of the house every day to walk the dog helps, it gives us a chance to be together and chat and just leave the house and whatever work needs doing behind for a while.

In short, he makes you happy so it is worth giving it time.

If I am lucky enough to ever own my own home there is NO way a man is ever moving in. Even if I am head over heels with him.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

To be clear they become- women need to learn there is no such thing as not being good at this stuff. There is an unwillingness to do this stuff. He does not need to be shown multiple times. He just wants you to do it for him. You are right to resent his presence and I would tell him he needs to be a true partner or leave.

Same. Though I will never own my own home but still will never let a man move in with me.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

OP, this would completely emasculate him in my eyes, and it would affect things in the bedroom.

To be fair I got a new washing machine and the display looks like something out of a racing car, I was walking around with the manual in my hand for weeks. Just got a new dishwasher that is similarly daunting.

If he's never run a house before there is a lot to learn and it being the op's house he may also be worried about over stepping.

I would suggest splitting up responsibilities so he knows what he is expected to do and master those elements at least first. But if it's not working out as said it was a trial. Will his parents have him back or were they very keen for him to be out? Perhaps he should get his own place for a while to get the house management skills?

Is this not exhausting? I would be exhausted. I would also lose all sexual interest in a man who felt comfortable having his girlfriend adult for him.

Where is his pride?!

I thought it was just me. How do you have sex with a man you have spent the day parenting?

Eugh!

From what you've written — a man who went straight from a family home to living with parents again

As far as I can tell from the OP’s first post, he had a relationship then moved back in with his parents.

We had a conversation about it, and I basically said exactly this. He was brilliant about it. We talked everything out and ultimately he's going to get a place, and we see how it goes

I'm really wondering how old you are/he is (just a ballpark!), because it makes a massive difference IMO.

DH was wildly incapable when we first moved in together, but I'd lived alone/worked as an au pair prior to us living together whereas he has only lived in uni halls and house shares where he was only responsible for a very small space/his bills were included in the upfront cost... and we were only 21! Even though we were young I still found the dynamic difficult, I can't imagine how off-putting it would be for a man in his 30s/40s/50s to be so incompetent.

I’d be giving him a timeline to get a place op or it could drag on and the resentment get worse.
be direct but kind and make it clear you want that to happen asap

We talked everything out and ultimately he's going to get a place, and we see how it goes
Ultimately? Are you back to having to do the adulting (i.e. thinking things through)?
Has he offered a time-scale on this. Can't he go back to parents meanwhile (or are they glad to be free of him, too )

X-post!

Ok I had this happen to me, but the difference being he had lived alone for years. However, I worked from home he worked outside the home and I just felt like I was doing everything and when he was doing stuff he was asking me what needed doing - which really boiled my piss. We got on so well, were so happy (and I had come from a very abusive shouty marriage I was deeply opposed to any arguing). So anyway, I bottled it and bottled it, then I just exploded and it all came spilling out (not good). I just went at him. It became clear that the issue was he saw it as 'my' home rather than ours, and he didn't notice the things I notice, and there was lots of things he was doing that i wasn't seeing and vice versa. Ultimately we got through it and now I dont even think about it - we just really do work well together. I think maybe this might be just you two adapting to living together and working out your way? Difference is I never doubted my love for him at all, but I do remember in those early months thinking 'oh shit what have I done, i think I prefer living alone!'.

So all is not lost OP> If you do still love him, have it out with him tell him what you need - in my case it was I needed him to see things and do things without me asking, but saying that Ive also chilled and realised its not that big a deal. He brings so much more to the table that I realised when I had my big flip out. Eg, he is very protective and security conscious and Im terrible. He goes round like a doberman locking everything up at night. He always does the dishes without any prompting, hangs washing out without prompting, cooks for me. He picks things up for the house without being asked. So he did improve massively. He still doesnt change the bed without prompting but Ive gotten over that.

I think have a big chat about it, say you are feeling like his mum and thats not sexy and hopefully he will step up but also really assess if overall he is stepping up - but maybe not in the ways you want. Give him a chance to and if it doesnt improve then let him go - lifes too short.

That's such a shame for you and I can entirely understand the conundrum you find yourself in.

On the one hand, you had a relationship that worked really well and you want that to prevail. On the other hand you're quite obviously aware of the negative impact his inability to adult is having (and will continue to have) on that relationship that once worked well.

I'd suggest the middle ground is continuing the relationship but living separately but that including him getting a place of his own so he can learn to stand on his own two feet. It sounds as though he's never had to do that and so he's never learned or even begun to appreciate what it requires to run a household.

If he did have his own place for a year or so and has to navigate rental agreements, organising utilities, paying bills, cleaning, washing, cooking etc he will get better and, even if he doesn't become a master at those things, he should at least be appreciative of things you are doing (should you then decide to trial living together again). My concern would be that he'd possibly push to live together again with the idea that, in doing so, those responsibilities would fall away for him.

Edited to add: not all relationships thrive when people live together and, in today's world, it's becoming increasingly common for a couple to have their own separate homes but then stay with each other. I think it works particularly well for people who have been in previous long term relationships and have hangovers from that or for people who have very established ways of life and don't want those to change.

spot on! I had a long distance partner if 3 years move in, as it was the only was to know if we had a future together. We didn’t, so he had to move back to his place. Don’t let it drag on though.

We choose the bear.

I bet you a million pounds he'll just move right back in with his mum.

He's either doing this on purpose, got it all planned out. Free wife work + sex sorted. Or he's completely incompetent. Not sure which is worse.

Well done for having the awkward conversation, which seems to have gone really well. The word ultimately does stand out to me though. It sounds like the spirit is willing but I think you still need to keep an eye on the situation as he may be one of those that promises and means it, and things are great for a while, and then he lapses back into old behaviour patterns.
But the main thing is that he knows your thinking on this and accepted it, you made it very clear, so I guess if he does do that he knows he will be on a sticky wicket.

I’m on holiday at the moment, in an apartment in a resort. I travelled here on my own, checked in, managed my luggage, whilst navigating a new place at night (badly lit) through a huge hotel complex with multiple buildings. I used the washing machine and dryer in the apartment this morning, looked at it once, selected a wash cycle and voila it worked. My sister came over last night, she made a dessert, worked out how to use the oven and voila it worked. I heated up the dessert leftovers tonight in the microwave, pressed a few buttons and voila it worked. If a grown man cannot use a washing machine after being shown multiple times then he is a lost cause. He doesn’t want to do it. You either accept that and do everything or you choose to get rid of him.