Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

you have to be brave. Talk to him and say that this was a trial and it’s not working for you to live with him.

if you don’t talk to him now, it’ll end up blowing up badly anyway because you’ll lose patience and snap

whats that term together living separately or something. Go back to dating. Tell him you did so many years of marriage, feeling trapped is ruining your life together and you need to live alone

he can come and stay on occasions but not every day.

Are you seeing progress? Is he getting better (ie at using the dryer)?

If the willing is there and things are moving (albeit slowly) then keep going.

Some people if they have lived a way for a long time will struggle to adapt. But if he is the good person you say, have that conversation with him.

I think I do need to have this conversation. I'm so scared of hurting him, but you're right, it needs to be talked out.

Avoid training or parenting an adult, as it results in an unhealthy dynamic... I speak from very bitter experience.

Express the need for some alone time.

The trial didn’t work.

This is key:
"When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together"

Remember it was a trial. Tell him that you'd prefer he returns to his parents after his trip and you both need some time living apart. "As you know.... housework...." You can continue dating each other if you both want to.

Talk to him and tell him to move back to his parents. I wouldn't put up with this.

You cannot sacrifice your future and happiness to save hurting someone else's feelings.

Scared of hurting him is the mist serious complaint of all. As one of my patients said to me as her marriage of nine years was imploding “He was so sensitive! I spent all my energy crafting my words so as not to hurt him. Now I realize he wasn’t sensitive—he was fragile. He couldn’t accept anything that made him uncomfortable.”

The sad puppy thing works for him. Sorry to say but he's a grown up. He's had a long term relationship. He's not a teenager. If he doesn't know how to use a washer, he's chosen that. Over and over again. He's allowed other people (let's be honest, women) to wash his clothes for him. His whole life.

The internet exists. I want to do something I wasn't taught how to? I either pay someone or watch a video on it.

If you didn't teach and prompt, the real question is would he lapse happily into you doing everything or would he still try? Because if it's the first one, and it probably is if he didn't learn during his last relationship, it's not great.

What do you mean by ‘suppliers and employers’? I don’t deal with either of these things in relation to my house.

You had a trial and it has not resulted in you wishing to continue living with him.

Do the decent thing of telling him why.

If you sincerely see a long term future, suggest that he lives alone for a bit (doesn't go back to parents). Give him time to find a place.

Break up if you don't fancy him as a partner.

“So here’s the thing sweet-cheeks, I adore you but I’ve realised i don’t like sharing my space and honestly it’s kinda making me feel like a mum to you. And I have nto interest in being that. So you’re gonna have to pack your shit up and shift out again. Hey, we gave it a try. Doesn’t mean we need to split up. Just that living together isn’t for us. At least for the foreseeable future”.

And yes as pp said, if he ever wants to live with you again then he needs to have lived alone first. So you know he is capable of taking care of himself, the home, the bills etc..probably for at least 18 months.

It sounds to me that you don’t see him as very manly eg more a man child and once that dynamic has gone it’s going to be hard to get back.

You mentioned it was trial try at living together. If you did say that then easier to say that he hasn’t passed his probation. You need to talk. Not sure what you mean by suppliers and employees - are you in a stately home?

Seen I’ve asked the same question about suppliers and employers - what’s the answer OP?

My ex was a manchild and they never grow out of it. More than a decade with him and he seemed incapable of grasping things that I consider to be basics.

It really hit home after we divorced and my tweens started complaining about his housekeeping at his new place. I realised that if literal children could do better than him then all my efforts at trying to get him to change/improve had been a complete waste of time and energy.

Life is too short to spend it living with someone you have to repeatedly educate on cleaning the toilet, not leaving toothpaste spit and hairs in the sink, putting a rubbish bag back into the bin after you empty it and doing a dishwasher clean cycle every once in a while.

You know yourself what you have to do. It’s sad, after all the joy of falling in love and the hope you had for the future. However, the trial run hasn’t worked out. At least you didn’t buy a place together. On the practical side, you have your home and you have nothing financial at stake. I’m sorry it’s not worked out for you. 🌺

I suspect it was AI generated and the OP didn’t realise those two words were there

Ah Thanks. I’m getting really disconcerted with the amount of AI stuff appearing on here (and everywhere)

A man who doesn't know how to use a washing machine would be a turn-off. How old is he? Hasn't he ever lived independently? Has he been mothered to the extent he expects his girlfriends/wife to mother him as well?

Nope. He has chosen to not do the most basic things around the house in the past and now he is expecting you to take over. Not an attractive partner to live with.

Tell him that the trial period is making you feel like a mother and not a partner. He really needs to have some time to live on his own where he has no choice but to use the washing machine!

How old are you?

Better to temporarily hurt him than ruin your whole life. Your responsibility is to create a happy life for yourself

I'd move his stuff back to his parents whilst he's away and change the locks. But I appreciate that you're unlikely to do that.

There’s nothing more unattractive than a man who can’t fend for himself.
I’m surprised this was quite such a shock to you given you knew he was still living at his parent’s home.

Maybe it would have been slightly different if you had both had to adjust to living together in a home which was entirely new to you both.

As it is, you loved your freedom and independence and really valued your own home just as it was, and he had to do all the adjusting, albeit very willingly, when he moved into your personal space.

For him, it’s not just about learning how to operate your appliances and how/where to put away a tesco delivery, it’s also about breaking through the psychological walls of feeling like a guest in YOUR home as opposed to a joint home. Sounds like he’s scared of doing things wrong or damaging/disturbing your stuff. Imposter syndrome for him no doubt, while you feel like his carer.

The longer it goes on, the more his self esteem will be knocked and the more you get the ick.

He needed to be in a position where he was as fully independent as you already were, in a lovely impressive home of his own.

I reckon it’s too awkward and too late to get that madly in love feeling back OP.
You will have to tell him how you feel and hope he suggests moving out again.
Hard for you both to come back from this position really.
But at least you know that.
Sad situation for you both for now.