Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

How old is everyone in this scenario?

Ring him before he returns to tell him it is not for you.
If he throws in the relationship to bad...he will do your head in.
A peaceful life with a man child who gets on your nerves isnt worth it because ir shouldnt be a drag.

I am being completely honest here
My 4.5 yo can run a wash.

• I help with wash liquid and santiser. Ie I get and pour - She puts them in.
• She knows all white thing from the basket come out and dont go in the washer.
• She turns it to what she calls "Ffffff" which is fast wash setting (she only knows letter RN.)
• Then to "20" temp and she picks "the work" ie how long "1-5" and pushes start
• she takes them out i hang and she helps me collect and fold dry stuff.

If you think he wont leave easily I would go for
"i love you but i can't live like this.
You need to move out either to your parents or to rented if the relationship is going to survive. if you wonr we need to break up

Get him the hell out of your home and break up anyway because lets be real this relationship has no legs.

And I'd be honest about the fact it's because he cant wont do basic household tasks. it costs nothing and may help him going forward.

Who cares?

Like I said a 4.5 yo can run a wash, and while I think of it...make a bed, load a dishwasher, unload a dishwasher and sweep badly

It was a trial. It hasn’t worked for you. If this bruises his ego to the point he wants to end it, then he shows himself up to be a childish baby who you will forever be parenting. Alternatively he could understand, move out and you guys could continue.

however honestly? This is dead in the water to me.

I am interested.
I don’t ‘care’ however and I doubt the other poster does either

As others have said, you do need to have this conversation. Not just to get your sanity and space back, but also to give this relationship a chance. I have been with my partner for five years, lovely chap, does not need to be parented(!), but I still want my space and independence. We are absolutely fine for weekends/holidays together. Longer stretches leave me feeling less affectionate and more annoyed. Figure out what works for you. It is perfectly fine to have your own space and have a relationship alongside it. You do not need to 'progress' to living together. If he wants/needs it ofcourse that is a different conversation.

“I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house”

And this resentment will grow, OP, if you let him carry in with his weaponised incompetence. After all, it’s working for him - you patiently showing him multiple times how to work the washing machine (is he dim or what? It’s not rocket science) and you have the choice of a lifetime of explaining to him how to do the most menial of household admin, or telling him it isn’t working. I’d tell him nicely when he returns from holiday that you’ve been finding it so much easier without him and that you need to go back to living separately: it was a trial and sadly, it isn’t working for you. Otherwise, you will end up hating him and the whole relationship will blow up and end very badly.

His holiday gives you the ideal timing to bring this up. ‘Whilst you have been away I’ve realised that much as I love you I want to go back to living alone.’

“He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot.”

Not sure I could cope with this either OP.

Just say ‘this has no bearing on our relationship, but I think I prefer to live alone. Can you please move back to your parents, I would like to continue seeing you as usual however’.

Are you sure his marriage breakup was completely "not his fault"? Because presumably his ex had to put up with this too.

Like pps I can't really fathom how he is still failing on all these basic adult functions, given that you have expressed that you want him to take on his share.

I have moved several boyfriends in with me over the years (one at a time 😂), all had been in houseshares, and all could -and did -function normally.

And don't be too sad about losing the madly in love thing. Consider it a transition to "the scales have fallen from my eyes" and you can see him clearly, you have re-entered the reality.

Yeah and second what a pp said about "sensitive" vs "fragile". Not to be able to take constructive criticism is immature. I know, I was absolutely that person till embarrassingly late in life.

Here we go again. Such a sensitive soul he can't be told he's upsetting you but not sensitive enough to care to do something about it..

Get him back to mummy. Pronto. It won't change. Don't give him another chance. If he could do better he should do it because he's decent, not because he doesn't want to live with his parents again..

I'd pack for him since he's away. It's the sensible thing to do, saves all the hang dog looks as he takes hours to pack three things.

Op... this man doesnt mind YOU doing everything, having to hold his hand and show him basic things.

Does he have a job! Jeez, i bet he doesnt behave like this with his colleagues and boss.

Men like this act incompetent so you will end up his bangmaid.

Tale as old as time. He should be on his best behaviour now. Imagine in 3 to 5 years.

I highly doubt he is as caring about your feelings to the level you are about his.
I agree with a poster who says he is fragile not sensitive and that works for him alongside his weaponised incompetence.

My children know how to wash and dry their clothes it couldn't be simpler. When they get stuck with things they figure it out mostly themselves because alexa/Google/trial and error exist.

If he really wanted to he would.
There aren't many spaces men want to be incompetent in unless it's in their favour. The domestic space is one of them for a lot of men. Funnily it's not at work, down the pub at their hobbies.

I just don't understand why he needs to be shown how to use the washing machine multiple times. When my kids started washing their clothes (they were teenagers not like the 4yo upthread!) I only had to show them once and they got the hang of it. It's not rocket science! And if he was previously in a LTR it's really, really unattractive that he never used the washing machine. He sounds like a man child.

Yes I agree! Don't be scared of hurting his feelings op. He is fully prepared for YOU to be his human support mummy he can also .... gross saying. But tap into that anger to get the conversation done I wouldn't worry about hurting him he knows full well what he is doing. He is being very manipulative.

If you ask him to move back out again and he takes it well - makes a firm decision to learn how to 'adult' and will do all he can to become the man you need him to be, well, then he's a good and decent man who just hasn't realised how much his lack of life skills have held him back. Your future looks good.

If you ask him to move out and he spits the dummy out, argues, protests, does 'but what about....' or otherwise makes it plain that he really just wants his feet under a table, any table, well, you then get to see the kind of man he really is and you're well rid.

Erring in either direction will help you see whether you have a future anyway, won't it?

You can hurt him now or resent him for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry it didn't work but you really have to end it.

I’m interested. Which is why I asked.

Picking up on this - sure you're aware anyway - but don't ever let anyone control you with their feelings or shut you down by being 'hurt'... deliberately or not, you end up walking on eggshells to 'keep the peace'...

You know you have to have this convo, and you've clearly got all our support here! Courage! 😄

Thank you for your wisdom and advice! I'm going to sit him down when he gets back

And? What does sit him down mean? And make him a cup of coffee? Set him ground rules? Or kick him out?

Him moving in was on a trial basis so I'd talk to him about the trial not working and about him moving into his own place. Help him find somewhere if you need to.

I've never understood mumsnetters obsession about living with a man. Is it just financial?