Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

what does he do for work and does he manage ok there? Is he asking for prompts and help all day there too? If the answer is that this behaviour only appears at home, then it is indeed weaponised incompetence. From experience, if changes don’t happen you’ll lose any physical desire for him, so I’d probably call it quits if he can’t buck up. Life is too short.

It is weaponised incompetence. You have, at best, a man child. Or it could be the start of something worse. You should not be scared of hurting him…he’s perfectly happy to let you run round after him like his mother and a child can work a washer or dryer and do basic chores. I know, I was running the house from when I was 8, plus ironing, gardening and cleaning downstairs windows. And the dog.

It’s funny when they are so sensitive you can’t hurt their feelings, yet they don’t mind hurting yours. I bet he doesn’t tread on egg shells around you?

How on earth does he manage to hold down a job if he's this helpless?

Could it mean household staff, handyman, cleaner, plumber etc? Ordering things for the house, like furniture or new carpet or lightbulbs or something?

Who does the housework in his parents house?
I would need to be shown how the washer works and need time to find my feet in a new place. You are on home ground and have got used to doing things your own way, in your own time and space. I know I wouldn't charge in, start going through someone else's washing and throwing loads in the machine in someone else's place straight off.
So yes, have that chat, but remember that it is a chat, don't forget to ask questions to see how he thinks the trial is going and how things could be moved forward, in a joint effort and partnership. Maybe step back a bit to see if he actually starts doing things?
I agree, if you are not comfortable at this stage, allowing things to continue without saying anything will probably cause more resentment so would just be a matter of time before you snapped. (Then things would turn around into you being the aggressor and him being the victim, so don't let it get that far!).

@cheeseislife8 my partner sounds similar to yours - he's the most kind and gentle soul and I adore him.

We've been together for 10 years and I suspect he's got some learning difficulties, which he hid very well when we first met (because he's incredibly talented at some other arty things). Do you think this is a possibility with you?

It's taken a lot of getting used to - and now things I think he can cope with, I refuse to help - which has made things get better - but a lot of the other mental load (like checking messages to employer, making sure he's got the right calendar etc) I do pick up because I know otherwise he will get it wrong, and because at this point I've seen him try and get it wrong enough times to know that it's not on purpose. We've also discussed basic tasks like unpacking the draining board A LOT and I've gotten annoyed a fair amount - he still forgets a lot but he is slowly slowly getting better.

It's frustrating sometimes but I (try to) make sure he's picking up more load in other areas/doing some of the jobs I don't want to.

May just be being useless, but may he have ADHD? ADHD can be helped with medication. Also, have you explained to him how this makes you feel, so he can try to grow up a bit and help. With my husband we have found the niches we both like, and split jobs up that way. So if he really likes cooking and cooked 90% of evening meals for instance, would that make things more equitable? Also, you can just say living together isn’t working. That is sort of part of the reason for living together before marriage ect, to see if it will work.

I don't get it, surely he's just running a work situation past you and seeing what you think? I can't believe he's expecting you to manage a situation at his work?

I also don't understand the washing machine thing either, don't people just put it on 40 degrees and then stick everything in? Why is it so complicated?

Does he need to ring suppliers? Pretty much everything can be done online now surely? Phoning is always a hassle IMO.

I think you're just not enjoying living with him because he does things differently to you, which is fair enough. I think it's difficult when someone moves into your space as it's still 'your' space - but now it's got someone else in it. I think you have got used to living alone and now don't want to share any more. I'd just tell him that you're struggling to share, I don't think he's done anything hugely wrong.

People are too obsessed with their 'mental load' when really they just mean they feel pressure to do everything themselves because they're quite controlling and don't want anyone else doing it differently wrong.

Would you need to be shown multiple times though?

I'm not sure how he has all these incompetencies despite having been in a previous relationship? That would be a worry to me.

His previous partner must have also done everything for him which, to me, shows an unwillingness to take on any sort of mental load/learn/grow/shape up.

The thing is, it's all very well going back to 'how you were' but it won't quite be that now. 'How you were' was imagining a future as equal partners, that doesn't seem to be an option now.

The only way I can see this working is he gets a place of his own and demonstrates a massive leap in self-sufficiency and proactive life skills. I am not sure he will ever be able to do that, but, for your sake, I really hope he can.

I don’t think this is necessarily broken, but I do think you’ve discovered a really important difference between being in love with someone and being compatible living with someone. It sounds like the relationship was wonderful when you were dating because you were seeing the best parts of each other, but moving in together has exposed a gap in life skills and responsibility that is now affecting how you see him.
I actually think the fact that you enjoyed having your own space again is worth paying attention to, not because it means you don’t love him, but because it shows how much mental load you were carrying. It’s very hard to stay romantically attracted to someone when you feel like their manager or parent.
I wouldn’t make the next conversation about whether he is “lazy” or whether he has failed. He sounds like someone who has perhaps never had to develop certain habits, and habits can change. But the important question is whether he can take ownership without you having to supervise the process. There’s a big difference between someone saying “tell me what to do” and someone noticing what needs doing and just doing it.
It might be worth considering whether living together was simply too much too soon. You don’t have to end a good relationship because cohabiting isn’t working right now. Sometimes going back to separate homes for a while can actually save a relationship because it removes the resentment and gives both people space to grow.
I’d have an honest conversation with him when he’s back, not in the middle of frustration, and explain that you love him but the current dynamic is damaging your feelings towards him. See how he responds. If he listens, takes responsibility and genuinely changes over time, there may be something to rebuild. If the pattern continues and you remain the person carrying the mental load, love alone may not be enough.

Probably not. I would definitely feel a bit cautious about sorting out someone else's undies though.

This is your home, its starting to mentally stress you out, Ive seen a few friends and family who have wither given up their home to move in with a man or moved a man into their home and it doesnt always end well. Said men start to show their true colours, dont pay their way etc. Personally I would ask him to find his own place and continue the relationship that way.

A man who can't do the most basic tasks at home makes me drier than the Sahara desert. I know Id instantly fall out of love.
You'll have to ask him to move out. Just tell him its too soon.
Its amazing how many men want to move in with women and be looked after. You very rarely see the reverse.

Adult helplessness drives me loopy - get rid

Yes, you can learn to do anything from YouTube. It's ridiculous to need instructions to use the washing machine.

However, if this is unequal housework expectations the easier solution is a chart. I know it's a bit like parenting, but if he's happy to be organised/ joint the adulting world, and can tick things off a list then it's manageable.

Depends how much you like him really.

I agree with the first part of this but I do think it would be incredibly difficult to go back to dating after this . Perhaps the op would be better off just breaking up with him
altogether

Weaponised Incompetence comes to mind here. Have the difficult conversation with him, better to hurt his feelings now than have a full blown screaming match later! Also bear in mind you only have his side of the story as to his previous break up. It might have been for similar reasons.

My husband is pretty incompetent at times but if I needed to help him out with problems at his work, I'd be very concerned for his executive functioning skills.

People saying doing the washing etc, surely any idiot can wash up, hoover, do there own washing? I don't like how my three sons do their laundry ( in fact it's rage inducing. Leaving jeans in a ball before oeggi g then out so they dry in crusty ball that's wet and musty in the middle) but they can do it.

I know it's a MN trope to ask, but do you think he is neurodiverse? The dealing with the executive function type stuff with suppliers and employers suggests this to me, as it's just how my ND son (aged 24) is (although getting better). People always say that ND folk can appear 3-4 years 'younger' in terms of their maturity with everyday organisational stuff . They get there eventually though!

How old are you both? If it's 20s then there may be hope 😀 If it's 30s then it may not be the relationship for you!

Sorry, what does 'suppliers and employers' mean in this context? However, moving on, I can't fault you for getting irritable with having to baby a useless man child, I'd be the same. Forget his sensitivity; that's a defence of his to try and tone down your mounting frustration at his incompetence, and I think you're right, it's weaponised incompetence. Sorry, I can't offer advice except get him to move out, but I can offer support.

Don't overthink it OP, living together is not working for you and that's OK. Tell him this calmly and remind him it was a trial period. Of course he's capable, anyone can learn but he has no need to if you are doing it for him.
You don't need to break up necessarily but resentment will build if you stay as you are. Explain you are not happy that he is leaving everything to you. I would suggest he lives separately from you now and learns how to be an adult. Make it clear he needs to learn to fend for himself. You are not his Mum!

I think this is called c*ck-lodging - where the bloke gets a nice home but doesn't fully contribute.

Good to be honest here!

Perfectly put!