Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

How old are you both, @cheeseislife8 ? He sounds like he’s in his early twenties and in his first job?

Your first post said you’d sadly not had children with your ex. Are you hoping for children in the future? This man does not sound like a good bet as a father - you’d end up doing absolutely everything for him and a baby.

I’d say the trial hasn’t worked out and you’d like to go back to living separately as you were happier that way. I’d be honest and say the reason is because he does not seem able to function independently and you are his girlfriend not his mum and didn’t sign up to teaching him life skills. If he wishes to live together in the future he must first learn to be an independent adult.

If my lads,when they were teenagers could put washing in the machine then , peg it out and put it away,hoover, clean a bathroom etc etc I am 100% sure a grown assed man can.

If he holds down a job and he can get to the airport with his mates gor a holiday he doesn't need to 'try' at chores he needs to bloody well 'do'!
Absolutely pathetic!!

Id be saying ' remember the trial we talked about well its not gone well and I want to go back to as we were.

I think I do need to have this conversation. I'm so scared of hurting him, but you're right, it needs to be talked out.
Come on, he has no issue for you to do everything for him. He may not have planned it but he is inadvertently taking you for a mug. The thought of anyone doing that to me would make me forget about any sad puppy eyes struggling to put a tablet in the machine and setting it off.

@cheeseislife8 I don't know whether this will help but I thought of it when I read your post. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/05/well/family/relationship-coach-mental-load-chores.html?unlocked_article_code=1.4FA.VlnV.oEDh5PH_vt2M&smid=url-share
And here is the book mentioned
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fair-Play-rebalance-relationship-transform/dp/152940021X

It's a bad idea to soften the message by saying things like "I love you but....", "I adore you to pieces but..."

no, he's proven himself to be a millstone round your neck and you want your alone time back.

It's kinder to say it like it is "I'm really sad that the trial hasn't worked out, since you've been away it has made me realise I'm best when I live alone. can we agree that you'll move out by x date. Thanks for the happy times "

anything else is mixed messages and the chance for him to worm his way back in.

You need to tell him it's just not working for you and that you're rapidly losing any attraction to a 'man' who can't actually 'adult'. You don't want a child; you want a partner. And he's showing you he can't do it.

Sensitive soul my arse. You've been played.

I think you need to tell him he needs to move out on his own/with peers and get used to doing stuff himself because his inability to cope is becoming a burden for you. Otherwise he'll never be able to live with anyone. And then maybe you can live together eventually or maybe not, but good luck working it out.

you tell him he needs to be an adult as you don't want to have to mother him and it will be the end of your sex life ( who wants to have sex with someone they parent)

I'd be frank that he needs to help himself and not look to you for help, he needs to step up for a partnership and if he can't do that then its going to be difficult to move forward

be open and honest

but the best way for him to learn is to fail, so the weaponised incompetence then backfires. Failing to do something and not having you pick up the peaces - if he then realises and get on and does - he is a keeper, but if he then realises and goes into little boy mode, he needs to be ditched

Good luck, let us know how it goes. If he’s really a good guy you can carry on as you were before.

How old is he? He can’t use kitchen appliances! What an absolute idiot. How has he got this far in life? What does he do for a living?

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story)

The story that he told you, right? Possibly different from the story that his ex would tell you? It can't be a coincidence that his previous relationship ended and he went back to his parents' house rather than looking for a place of his own. I simply don't believe that any adult who can hold down a job needs to be instructed repeatedly on how to do basic tasks and run domestic machines. And even then, needing to be given instructions like a child, rather than (of his own volition and if he needed to) googling the make and model and making sure he selects the right programme. It's not rocket science. Phoning providers is not rocket science. I don't like it either, lots of people don't, but it's one of those things you have to do as an adult. You just get on with it and know that each thing will be easier and more familiar the next time you do it.

I also agree with the PP who suggested that he'd love-bombed you somewhat. It's a hard thing to hear but honestly, I don't know you've had the patience to put up with him and can totally see why you're starting to resent him. Any self-respecting functioning adult would!

It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point Why are you working on the basis that it’s not weaponised incompetence? How many times do you need to show him before it sinks in? How many times would his boss have to show him a task before it sank in? He’s not incapable. He’s taking the piss.

he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. So he’s made you think that it’s a bad idea to pull him up on this because it will upset him? How convenient for him.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) So he’s capable of doing stuff by himself when it’s something that he wants to do? It’s only when it’s boring household stuff needs doing that he needs help?

If a grown adult can’t put a wash on, despite being shown however many times, then he is not capable of independent living. Who wants to have a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of independent living? Tell him that you’ve packed up his stuff and taken it back to his parents home for him, so he needs to go straight there from the airport and call you when he gets home so you can tell him why the trial hasn’t worked out. If his parents ask why you’ve brought his stuff round, tell them he’s acting like he can’t work a washing machine or make a phone call without your help, so you’ve decided you can’t pretend to be his mum any longer but have decided to give him the opportunity to try dating again in the hope that he sees how much he has to lose.

Can he hold down a job? Is he quite thick? I’m worried about his cognitive abilities if he can’t put on a wash despite being shown multiple times.
You will need to be firm. I can see a man tantrum coming but be direct and calm.

I prefer my independence and living alone.
I will consider moving in with you once you’ve got standard adult skills sorted.

And maybe it’s just me, but I’d also add that I can’t maintain an attraction to someone so incompetent.

It sounds like the last relationship might have broken down for the same reasons? Did he live with her too?

I don't want to label him, but some neurodiverse people find daily tasks very hard to do (not deliberately avoiding but brain just hasn't got enough dopamine to make it do the thing it needs to do) and that might explain why he's still living at his parents. It's not to say he can't do it but if he has ADHD for instance, and he's very sensitive - so sounds like he might have it, it may be that he needs to get support.

He could try Dubbi - which is a body doubling app for those that struggle with daily tasks. It can really help those that have more severe executive dysfunction find a way to get ontop of normal life.

Good luck OP. He sounds sweet and lovely but he needs to work out why he's not helping enough, be it ND or just lack of training.. who knows but you need him trained!

You have tried. It's not for you. Encourage him to get his own place not back to mum and dad, otherwise he will never grow up.

Your needs and feelings are just as important as his. You shouldn’t be sacrificing your peace of mind to avoid annoying him.

The point of the washing machine is that most of us only use a couple of programmes anyway ( I think I had my current machine for over two years before I even spotted that it has a programme for sports wear, who knew! Not me) and most washing machines have big clear buttons that say very clearly what they do, so using them is basic, and anyway, if you do get things wrong and wash your cashmere on 90 you only do it once.

If someone can work a phone, drive a car, use a computer, send an email, get money from a cash machine or buy train tickets then they are fully competent in using and understanding how simple things work in our world and so choosing not to understand how domestic life works is quite deliberate imo.

Sadly I think this might be the truth of it!
Maybe just stop providing assistance, if he asks you for something then act like a man, make vague excuses then put it out of your mind and forget about it. Maybe he'll go of his own accord when the benefits he receives (whilst giving nothing in return) are off the table.

Your partner needs to live on his own, and learn to look after himself domestically. Going back home to his Mum isn't going to solve the issue. He'll still be incompetent, because his Mum will just continue to do everything for him.

If you didn't tell him to do domestic chores, would he simply let you get on with it, and not bother to help or offer? To me that's the key. If he'd happily let you take all the chores on and more than your share of the mental load, then he's lazy, as well as incompetent!

You're not asking the impossible here, and it's not "your fault" for suggesting he move in — you made a reasonable offer based on what you knew of him at the time. What's happened since is information, not a moral failing on your part.
A few things I'd gently untangle:

Weaponised incompetence vs genuine lack of experience. These look identical from the outside but need completely different responses. Weaponised incompetence is when someone is capable but has learned that fumbling gets them out of the task. Genuine lack of experience is someone who's simply never had to run a household and doesn't know what he doesn't know. From what you've written — a man who went straight from a family home to living with parents again — this sounds more like the second. That's actually the better problem to have, because it's fixable with time and deliberate practice, not a character flaw you're up against.

But "he's trying" isn't the same as "it's working." You've told him, he's making an effort, and it's still not landing. That's worth naming plainly rather than softening. Sensitive soul or not, he's an adult and he needs to hear, clearly and without you cushioning it into vagueness, that the mental load is genuinely too much and something has to change — not as a criticism of him as a person, but as a practical fact about your household right now.

The resentment is the real issue, not the washing machine. You can teach someone to use a washer in an afternoon. What you're describing — dreading his return, savouring having the house to yourself — is your body telling you the current arrangement isn't sustainable, whatever the cause. That's worth taking seriously rather than feeling guilty about.
What I'd actually do: have one proper sit-down conversation, not another passing comment. Be specific — not "you need to help more" but a concrete list of what running the house involves, divided fairly, with him owning some of it outright rather than being reminded. Give it a real trial period, not just for chores but for the more's when he does the maths himself instead of needing prompted. If in three or four months it hasn't shifted, that tells you something important — not necessarily that it's over, but possibly that living together happened before he was ready to live independently at all, parents' house included.
It's not necessarily broken. But it's not fine either, and you're allowed to say that out loud to him rather than just to Mumsnet.

His parents were undoubtedly thrilled to see you, his new mommy take him on.
Get him out would be my advice asap.
You will always be the parent.
Get him out before your resentment turns toxic.

Maybe this is why his last relationship fizzled?

get him out before the gvt goes ahead with it's crazy plan to give cohabitees rights to each others stuff!

well OP you said it yourself....."weaponised incompetence" "I don't want to hurt him" I mean yeah, he might be just a drip but are you sure you aren't being trained?