Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

an afternoon? 30 minutes more like!

this. Puppy eyed cocklodger

He is a slow learner that is why I said an afternoon!

None of that is hard, why have you stepped in at all instead of leaving him to work it out? This isn't stuff adults who are actually trying need help with. It's all work-out-able on your own.

In fact it's grossly inappropriate to step in in a work situation.

It sounds like weaponised incompetence (in which case you might want to rethink your assessment of his lack of blame for his previous relationship breaking up) or possibly he just doesn't do it the way you think it should be done?

In either case, though, you need to tell him the trial isn't working for you and you really want your space back.

That's is so ridiculous, how do parents bring up children into growing adults that lack si much basic common skills??
And the frustration is it ends up on whichever woman they end up in a relationship with to pick up the slack and pretty much parent them. Ok imagine having kids with such a man and how much of the load will be in you.

As others have said I would have the conversation that the trial is not working and better to return to his parents place and I would probably reassess the whole relationship unless you're happy with a friends with benefits type situation. I don't see long term potential here.

Sensitive soul my ass 😂 sounds like weaponized incompetence and if you try to correct or tell him off he uses his sensitivity to push back so you put him and continue to pander to him and pick up the slack.

I hate to say this but I would question the relationship break down too. I know you say you know the story but... do you? Because if he's this incompetent, then one assumes he was the same with his ex and that may actually have been an issue for her too.

As others have said - don't know how to use a washing machine? Read the instruction manual or watch a youtube video. it's really not that hard. Which suggests that he doesn't really think it's his problem at all. And he's very cleverly turning it into a situation where HIS incompetence makes HIM a victim? Ridiculous.

It’s just not attractive to be with a man that’s really 14 years old.
Help him to understand he needs to move out. You can still have a relationship if you want to. But not living together. (Until he really grows up )

It’s just not attractive to be with a man that’s really 14 years old.
Help him to understand he needs to move out. You can still have a relationship if you want to. But not living together. (Until he really grows up )

DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story).
he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers.
he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot.
It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive.
he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much.
It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.
I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What the fuck was the story that the relationship breakdown wasn't this absolute man-baby’s fault?

You can turn the clock back as it was suggested as a trial. Do it. Life's too short. Enjoy your independence.

He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer

nothing to do with "mental load", he's just stupid. No one need to be shown multiple times

Most people don't even need to read the instruction manuals on holiday, appliances are pretty straight forward apart from the odd weird instruction.

When you speak to him you should call out the sensitive bit. ‘This is all even harder for me to handle because you’re so sensitive about how I explain you haven’t done something or haven’t done it well enough, you get really upset. So in addition to carrying this household while you don’t pull your weight, and teaching you what basic standards are and how to use a washing machine like you’re 15, I also have to tiptoe around saying you forgot to do x or you didn’t do y quite right to avoid upsetting you. More work and load for me to keep you happy - where’s the load you’re carrying to keep me happy? Let me say it really clearly - you are shit at housework, is that said gently enough for you? I am starting to think it’s part deliberate because you want a woman to do it all for you, and I’m fed up. You need to move out because I no longer accept you’re so inadequate you can’t learn these basic things, I think it’s a deliberate strategy to be as lazy and useless as possible and hope I compensate for you and do it all.

his sensitive soul can take that and eat it.

Actions speak louder than words, dont waste your breath reading him the riot act, just stop being his butler, let him deal with his own admin, etc.

I was thinking the same -and wondering if DH sees me as infantile and unable to manage living like an adult!😂

I am sort of wondering what all these things are op? Presumably utility bills are the same in number whether he is there or not and, honestly, how many weeks can it really take for him to learn to use the washing machine?

Oh wow.

Can I just say, its not your fault at all! You'd think a grown man would be able to do basic tasks. From the way you've described him I'd imagine a 17 year old or someone with special needs. He's not is he?

She’s answered that exact question, it’s nothing to do with running her house. ‘Sorry it was worded badly. I mean if he needs to contact say his phone provider, or deal with a situation at work, it's always me who helps with prompting him etc.’
if you really couldn’t manage your own phone contract that is not in any way joint or a family plan then I’d hope your dh would wonder about you!

That is a good idea, but he is much more likely to find a place if he is living with his parents..
This is a man who couldn't use a washing machine. He's unlikely to go out and find a place whilst he's at OPs ... or she will have to get involved in hunting for one too... nothing will be good enough or she will start feeling sorry for him again.

He's a man baby who's jumped from the parental home to a partner back to parents now to a new partner and he's not a functional adult.

Nothing would give me the ick more than an adult man playing incompetent at basic skills of living. My kids could turn the washer and dryer at 10. I fixed my fridge using a youtube tutorial. He works, right? I call bullshit that he can't learn to use household appliances or do his bill stuff. He chooses to have someone else do it and pulls the sensitive ploy.

Don't feel bad. He's choosing to stay incompetent so you do his shit for him. He chooses to drain your energy and your time so he doesn't have to do stuff. Deep down, he feels entitled to that time and energy of yours. It's not on you to make him grow up and function as an adult. He's probably not ever going to.

You're relieved he's away and that means it's time he goes back to his parents house.

I always saw men who hadn't lived on their own for a significant period of time as red flags just because of this failure to adult.

He's either an idiot or pretending to be one. Neither is desirable in a life partner, let alone someone who might contribute half your potential children's genes.

Yes, I hadn't got to that bit of the thread - but it was badly worded and I think a few of us were perplexed.

@cheeseislife8 yes, you need to enjoy him while he's not living with you or dump if he kicks off about moving out.

Think she means bills such as gas, electric, water, council tax etc.

Ugh. Glad you are questioning and going to act on this now before if drags on too long (although sounds like it's been long enough!)

If you do want to keep a relationship with him even now (maybe the way you view him has changed too much) I think I would frame it as you don't think living together is good for your relationship, as the dynamic has changed too much. You think it's better if he works on his homemaking skills independently.

Honestly, what a disappointment.

Parenting an adult man = lack of sexual attraction. Do you feel that happening?

I don’t understand how you couldn’t see what he was like before he moved in with you, in just general day to day things?