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Original poster

Regret him moving in

226 replies

cheeseislife8 · 06/08/2026 23:47

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

OP posts:
Temporal · 10/08/2026 13:02

There's nothing more offputting and unattractive than an adult of either gender who's a gormless oaf at adult things. Working a washing machine, tumble dryer, microwave, cooker, oven, hoover, and dishwasher is something everybody should pick up growing up. Same with ironing, shopping, and basic cooking. I bet they can damn well work the TV, Alexa, and Ipad controls...

BlueFahrenheit · 10/08/2026 13:09

Using a washing machine isn’t exactly difficult, and dealing with utility companies isn’t some highly complex task either.

He comes across as very lazy, lacking initiative, and not especially practical.

It’s hard to see why anyone would want to be romantically involved with someone so immature; honestly, it’s not an appealing prospect.

12234m · 10/08/2026 13:17

He was brilliant about it....

🙄

TiredSENMummy · 10/08/2026 13:33

cheeseislife8 · 06/08/2026 23:47

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

Does he work?
If he can hold down a ft job without having to be repeatedly told what to do, then I'm pretty sure he can stick some clothes in the wash.
This is absolutely weaponised incompetence.

summitfever · 10/08/2026 13:44

I’m glad he’s moving out op but now in the cold light of day, give you head a massive shake! Can navigate his way across the globe on a lads holiday but can’t work a washing machine or call vodaphone? …my arse!! Scared of upsetting him??? Is he 6?? He’s got you over a barrel op, what absolute Cotswollop. You’re walking on eggshells with a manchild who will throw a tantrum when you approach basic life admin and ask him to look after himself like an adult? And repectfully, it sounds like in terms of his marriage breakdown you do not know, or want to hear the whole story. I’m as angry on your behalf as you should be in real life he’s playing you like a fiddle. Oh and he lovebombed you too at the start. For your own sake op take a step back from this and see him for what he is!

SleeperTrain16 · 10/08/2026 13:56

Love a thread with a happy ending! Congratulations OP!

Original poster
cheeseislife8 · 10/08/2026 13:57

He does work. We are both late 30s.

I feel so much better for having discussed it, instead of stewing and worrying

OP posts:
seanconneryseyebrow · 10/08/2026 14:01

Did he own that he wasn't doing as much as he should? Did he explain himself? Did he say hed do better? What was his response when you told him how you felt? I know you say he was brilliant, but what does that mean exactly? He just accepted he needed to move out, rather than owning it, apologising, explaining why, and promising to improve?

IAmKerplunk · 10/08/2026 14:06

Op just keep an eye on how proactive he is about actually looking for a new place to live and actually moving out.

outerspacepotato · 10/08/2026 14:09

Sounds good. Is he moving back to his parents?

If not, do not get sucked into doing the work of finding a new place and arranging his move. This guy is nonfunctional at adulting in his late 30s.

adragoncalledaudrey · 10/08/2026 14:11

Good that you’ve talked.

Is he back from holiday or did you just discuss it over the phone?

TheDenimPoet · 10/08/2026 14:34

Tell him exactly what you've said here. That it feels like you're parenting a man child, and that's not the way you want to live.

My DP can be similar sometimes. It's like, I spend my whole life just doing what needs to be done, and I honestly can't think of the last time I asked him for help or advice on anything related to taking care of the house or finances, or the weekly shop.Yet when he does something, he has constant questions, asks me how I think he should do it, asks me to hold the peg bag if he's putting washing out! I've done it on my own for the past 20 years, I don't see why he can't. He asks me every time what setting the washing machine needs to be on. It's ALWAYS on the same setting no matter what we wash, and nothing bad has ever happened. So all he actually needs to do is press start. I have lost count of the number of times he's been told that.

And yes, it's infuriating.

But for me, the other side of it is that I get to live with my best friend, we talk about everything constantly, we have a laugh, we love the same films and TV shows, and generally adore each other's company.

I do wish he could be a bit more independent, though! It is very annoying!

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2026 15:10

cheeseislife8 · 10/08/2026 11:44

We had a conversation about it, and I basically said exactly this. He was brilliant about it. We talked everything out and ultimately he's going to get a place, and we see how it goes

Show quote history

Back to his parents then!

Original poster
cheeseislife8 · 10/08/2026 15:25

To be honest I don't mind if he gets his own place straight away or moves back to his parents for a bit.

He was very receptive and did own the situation, and I admitted I've let it happen by just doing everything. I also explained that its as much about the space as anything, and I've realised just don't want to live with anyone. He does understand that as he already knew my independence was hard won.

All very positive

OP posts:
seanconneryseyebrow · 10/08/2026 17:35

Ah in that case then OP, all I would say is are you 100 per cent sure YOU want him to go, or that you just maybe need more time to adapt. This will be very hard to undo. When I was in the throws of this situation, I did think like you - that maybe I just wanted to stay living alone. We did work through it and I am so so pleased he didn't move out. I actually can't even imagine feeling that way now. For me, it was definately just a learning curve of living with someone else again - in my case it had been 8 years! We had a whirlwind romance too, and he moved in after 5 montsh (my idea too!). I was just so in love, but then I was like 'WTF - I dont like this!'.

Just be sure is all I will say. Hard I know, and probably not very helpful, sorry.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/08/2026 17:40

To be honest I don't mind if he gets his own place straight away or moves back to his parents for a bit.

If the plan was for him to be independent and learn how to manage a house, how is that going to happen if his mum's doing his washing?

seanconneryseyebrow · 10/08/2026 17:41

TheDenimPoet · 10/08/2026 14:34

Tell him exactly what you've said here. That it feels like you're parenting a man child, and that's not the way you want to live.

My DP can be similar sometimes. It's like, I spend my whole life just doing what needs to be done, and I honestly can't think of the last time I asked him for help or advice on anything related to taking care of the house or finances, or the weekly shop.Yet when he does something, he has constant questions, asks me how I think he should do it, asks me to hold the peg bag if he's putting washing out! I've done it on my own for the past 20 years, I don't see why he can't. He asks me every time what setting the washing machine needs to be on. It's ALWAYS on the same setting no matter what we wash, and nothing bad has ever happened. So all he actually needs to do is press start. I have lost count of the number of times he's been told that.

And yes, it's infuriating.

But for me, the other side of it is that I get to live with my best friend, we talk about everything constantly, we have a laugh, we love the same films and TV shows, and generally adore each other's company.

I do wish he could be a bit more independent, though! It is very annoying!

Oh I hear this! Thing is my fella brings sooo much to the table. It was my birthday yesterday and I was sick and my adult children had 'forgotten' - and well he just was so so sweet. Getitng my stepkids to make me cards and cakes, decorating the house, bringing me food - just being a real sweetheart. He also got me the best present EVER - (a night in a hotel and a trip to hampton court palace - im a history nerd). Hes just lovely and I feel v. loved.

HOWEVER, has he ever changed the bedding - no. Apparently the fairies do that. Is horrible with money and paperwork (as in not meeting deadlines for bills etc), and couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. If I asked him to do something/get something unless it was right there and then he would definately forget. So hes not reliable in that way. Where he is reliable is protecting and defending me (thats happened a lot in our relationship with outsiders) and just generally knowing how to make me feel loved.

Noones perfect though hey - Im certainly not.

seanconneryseyebrow · 10/08/2026 17:43

WallaceinAnderland · 10/08/2026 17:40

To be honest I don't mind if he gets his own place straight away or moves back to his parents for a bit.

If the plan was for him to be independent and learn how to manage a house, how is that going to happen if his mum's doing his washing?

Because I think she just doesnt want to live with anyone and this has made her realise that - right OP? I do get that.

Granville82 · 10/08/2026 20:05

It's potentially not too late to find someone to have children with. Don't waste time.

BlueFahrenheit · 10/08/2026 20:28

What is the attraction to a man who cannot use a simple appliance?

It sounds like you were his maid @cheeseislife8

Mamabear8864 · 10/08/2026 20:30

Life is short, the longer you spend with him the less time to find the right guy. If you dreading him coming home it’s not gunna get any better

ShrubLover · 10/08/2026 21:04

LadyMinerva · 07/08/2026 03:53

You cannot sacrifice your future and happiness to save hurting someone else's feelings.

This, so so so much this.

Whiteshapelz · 10/08/2026 21:46

OP, if you never want to live with him and have children, then that is fine.
But useless/helpless men are absolutely soul destroying when you have children.
They are far far worse than being on your own, as so many women on MN attest to.

CamillaMcCauley · 10/08/2026 22:05

Whiteshapelz · 10/08/2026 21:46

OP, if you never want to live with him and have children, then that is fine.
But useless/helpless men are absolutely soul destroying when you have children.
They are far far worse than being on your own, as so many women on MN attest to.

Quoted for truth. I wish I had paid more attention to the fact that I was pulling a larger share of the work before my ex and I had kids and that he had some odd incompetencies for a man in his 40s.

When you have kids, it’s very easy not to see incompetence and disengagement until it’s too late, as the imbalance is often obscured by maternity leave and the idea that men need a grace period to adjust to being a parent, particularly if they had poor parenting themselves.

By the time you realise they’re not actually going to get it, or perhaps they simply don’t want to get it, you can be two kids in.

Original poster
cheeseislife8 · 11/08/2026 18:10

Whiteshapelz · 10/08/2026 21:46

OP, if you never want to live with him and have children, then that is fine.
But useless/helpless men are absolutely soul destroying when you have children.
They are far far worse than being on your own, as so many women on MN attest to.

Kids aren't an option for me any more for medical reasons so that's not the issue. But I do agree, having kids in a situation where the partner isn't pulling their weight would be soul crushing

OP posts: