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Original poster

Regret him moving in

154 replies

cheeseislife8 · 06/08/2026 23:47

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

OP posts:
Likeiloveyou · 07/08/2026 09:55

Well it was a trial, yes? So I don’t know why you think there will be no relationship if you decide the trial hasn’t worked for you? Did you not discuss this eventuality when you were talking about the trial?

Just explain it isn’t working for you and he has to move back out. You want to go back to how things were before.

Stelladid · 07/08/2026 18:35

MzHz · 07/08/2026 00:04

you have to be brave. Talk to him and say that this was a trial and it’s not working for you to live with him.

if you don’t talk to him now, it’ll end up blowing up badly anyway because you’ll lose patience and snap

whats that term together living separately or something. Go back to dating. Tell him you did so many years of marriage, feeling trapped is ruining your life together and you need to live alone

he can come and stay on occasions but not every day.

This 👆the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be. Do it straight after his holiday.

Tontostitis · 07/08/2026 18:39

cheeseislife8 · 07/08/2026 00:23

I think I do need to have this conversation. I'm so scared of hurting him, but you're right, it needs to be talked out.

Scared of hurting him is a huge part of weaponised incompetence. I'd be very direct say you are not happy and want to go back to what you had and he needs to move out get his own place and learn to run it. Once he's moved out you can decide if it's a done deal or worth fighting for.

Original poster
cheeseislife8 · 07/08/2026 18:53

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions, it's confirmed what I've been thinking!

OP posts:
Nicewoman · 07/08/2026 19:01

cheeseislife8 · 06/08/2026 23:47

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

You show him once how to use the washing machine. If he’s an adult and not mentally retarded he should be able to do the washing thereafter. After all, the rules are separate the coloureds and whites, fill the drum 2/3rds full, put it on 30 degrees, throw in some tablets and press “go”. Literally, a 10-year-old could understand that.

if he fucks up the washing several times. You spell it out to him in stark terms how to use the washing machine and warn him if he continues to mess up, your relationship is over and he has to move out and not contact you anymore.

Life’s too short to be stressing out over manchilds, delicate personalities or not. Some men mess up household chores just so the woman does the work, whilst they put their feet up and watch the football.

independentfriend · 07/08/2026 19:05

Look up the 'relationship escalator'. You can renegotiate your relationship so that you're not living together anymore. He might decide to split up with you if he doesn't want to be with you and living elsewhere but that's no reason not to try negotiating for what you want.

Carrotsandgrapes · 07/08/2026 19:10

If he can book a holiday, he can deal with an energy supplier. If he can work a mobile phone he can work a bloody washing machine.

It's not that he can't do these things, it's that he doesn't want to. He'd rather you or his parents do it.

I'd be careful about this one tbh. You want a partner, not a child.

amyds2104 · 07/08/2026 19:15

Sorry the trial hasn’t worked out OP. Make sure you stand firm when you have the talk and he doesn’t sulk/manipulate/guilt/make you feel bad about not wanting him to live there. Someone who is worth your time will understand and respect your wishes xx

Arcticienne · 07/08/2026 19:16

Why do you think his previous partner dumped him? Damaged goods. Bite the bullet.

Wreckinball · 07/08/2026 19:21

Tell him you want to be a partner not a parent.
If he wants remain your partner he moves out and gets his own place and learns how to look after himself, then you can date him rather than be his carer!
if he doesn’t like it, you know he’s a lazy waste of space

MrFlintstone · 07/08/2026 19:59

Sit him down, as soon as he gets back, be honest, brutally honest. Tell him to pack his stuff and leave. What ever happens after that happens. It's your house, your happiness. The trial didn't work, it's as simple as that.

Loolayloolaylay · 07/08/2026 20:28

I have finally realised after 6 years and one DS that my partner is completely unable to show empathy for ANYONE. have tried to have discussions about it, he responds like a toddler would, complete denial doesn't understand empathy all. For context his dad has stage 2 cancer, he's not bothered at all.
I understand people have different relationships with parents but his dad has been a lot better then most, I just don't understand he's behaviour. Please help

Minasama · 07/08/2026 20:32

How old is this man?

12234m · 07/08/2026 20:34

Loolayloolaylay · 07/08/2026 20:28

I have finally realised after 6 years and one DS that my partner is completely unable to show empathy for ANYONE. have tried to have discussions about it, he responds like a toddler would, complete denial doesn't understand empathy all. For context his dad has stage 2 cancer, he's not bothered at all.
I understand people have different relationships with parents but his dad has been a lot better then most, I just don't understand he's behaviour. Please help

You need to start your own thread.

Only thing is to leave.

Loolayloolaylay · 07/08/2026 20:38

I am do sorry, I have started a thread on someone else's xx

Loolayloolaylay · 07/08/2026 20:38

I am so sorry, I have started a thread on someone else's xx

JemimaTab · 07/08/2026 20:38

It feels like weaponised incompetence because that’s what it is, unfortunately.
He has difficulty doing routine household things that a child could do. Gets all “sensitive” if you say anything about it. Probably easier if you just give up and do it yourself, right? Like his ex and his mum. That’s what he wants.
I wouldn’t have any patience with this. I guess it’s up to you whether the upside is worth it, but in your shoes I’d certainly want to reclaim my own space.

jenny38 · 07/08/2026 20:52

It depends if he brings other qualities to the table and if you can learn to play to each other's strengths.
For example, one person might handle most of finances, but another better at diy.
Doesn't sound like you have missed him though, and that would worry me more than anything else, at this early stage.

NoisyMonster678 · 07/08/2026 21:08

He may not have had the oppertunity to deal with the tasks you have given him and remember, that may be due to no fault of his own and his confidence will increase gradually.

It may not be his fault if he has never had to deal with these things before.

It could be worth it the end.

Thisismynewname23 · 07/08/2026 21:31

I would speak to him now before you resent him massively, he will drive you mad otherwise

CamillaMcCauley · 07/08/2026 21:47

NoisyMonster678 · 07/08/2026 21:08

He may not have had the oppertunity to deal with the tasks you have given him and remember, that may be due to no fault of his own and his confidence will increase gradually.

It may not be his fault if he has never had to deal with these things before.

It could be worth it the end.

Hahahahaha a man who is old enough to be divorced who has “never had the opportunity to deal with” putting a wash on “due to no fault of his own” hahahahaha

Pull the other one.

seawitchandgarden2 · 07/08/2026 21:55

You should not have to parent a grown man or show him how to do the basics around a house and in life.

Tell him it is not working for you and that he needs to move out.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 07/08/2026 22:11

Why do you think he moved back to his parents when his previous relationship broke down? So many men do this instead of acting like adults and making an independent life for themselves. It suggests to me they want to be looked after with no responsibility on their part. I’d consider this a huge red flag.

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/08/2026 22:13

You need to get him to move out, preferably to live alone for a while, because your relationship will end otherwise. If he wants to learn how to work basic household equipment, he will. Wanting to live with you again will hopefully spur him on.

CookingFatCat · 07/08/2026 23:03

Another grown man using a woman for free labour.
Trial hasn't worked. He can go back to mummy.