Regret him moving in

[cheeseislife8]

18 months ago started dating a man. Lovely guy I'd known a while through a circle of friends, and we tentatively started something which became quite intense quite quickly, in that he was round my place more nights than he wasn't, we fell in love and started talking about the future all within the first 4 months. Like, ridiculously happy. He's kind, funny, caring and we've been absolutely crazy about each other. Everyone happy for us, friends loving it, his family and I get on really well, etc.

For context, I separated from STBXH almost 3 years ago, divorce imminent, though we're amicable. I LOVED living alone for the first time in 13 years (no kids, very sadly). XDH and I were both on level ground when we met at the time so it felt easy, both with our own place, both functioning adults at the time.

New DP, however, had been living with parents again following relationship breakdown (not his fault, I know the story). When I asked him after a particularly happy spell if he wanted to trial living together, all was great. Stuff arrived at my place, he began contributing, so far so good.

Except it soon became apparent he has no adulting experience whatsoever. He had to be shown multiple times how to use the washer, for example, and how to deal with suppliers and employers. He does try but he's just not great at the daily stuff and asks for help and prompts a lot. The dynamic between us obviously changed completely.

I love him but I'm quietly, slowly starting to resent his presence in my house, which I'd hoped would become ours. It honestly feels like I'm having to parent a grown man, and it's not attractive. I've talked to him about it, and he's actively trying to do more and be more helpful but he's such a sensitive soul it's hard to tell him it's not helped much. It almost feels like weaponised incompetence at this point.

He's on holiday with friends currently (booked over a year ago and I opted not to go) and I've so enjoyed having my place to myself, the reduction in mental load and the peace. I feel horribly guilty for it, but much as I care for him I'm not looking forward to his return and the return to having to do the brainwork and adulting for two people.

What do I do, at this point? I'd hate to throw away the things that we have/had. I know it's my fault for suggesting he move in, and I'd love to be able to go back to to happiness we had when we were just dating, but I know we can't turn the clock back. Is this broken?

Hey OP. DP moved in with me after 4 months of dating and it just didn’t work. I love him and he loves me but we have vastly different ways of living. I want him around all the time, to go to bed with me etc but he has his own things he does on an evening, and although he tried to be there I knew he didn’t like it. We broke up for a bit and he moved out and we are in a better place now. I do miss him so much but it was too much, too fast. We agreed it was only because my roommate got her own place and he felt obliged to move in with me, but that’s not why he should have moved in, I wanted him to want to, and put in the effort. And he did. He WFH and my flat was always so tidy. It’s not when it’s just me. But we literally did nothing together. Too soon in a relationship I think and you have to have this conversation with him.

Agree, this is the only way forward.

Adulting for a man is exhausting, it is also the death of sexual attraction. It makes most women switch off. The constant coaching reminding is too much work. "A man that cooks cleans washes dishes and does laundry is just a functional adult, not a special being. The bar is so low for men they get praised for doing chores in a house they live in". You shouldn't have to retrain him. For some men realising that weaponised incompetence and the helpless manchild behaviour is killing all desire is enough to make him change. If I could get my meals cooked,my house cleaned and the laundry shopping and the endless planning out sourced for free I would be thrilled. Send him home to his mummy.

No one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live.

You've been lovebombed, hence the getting intense really fast, by a man looking to leave his parents' house.

It sounds like he has never lived on his own. He probably needs to move out of his parents' house and live by himself for a bit. This will give him the freedom to make adulting mistakes in private instead of in front of his parents or a partner.

The previous relationship broke down but none of it was his fault?

Perhaps he was a lazy cock lodger in that one as well? As others have advised let him know the trial hasn't worked out. He needs to learn how to be an adult somewhere else.

Second this

Sorry it was worded badly. I mean if he needs to contact say his phone provider, or deal with a situation at work, it's always me who helps with prompting him etc. It was there to illustrate my additional mental load

I assumed you meant bills and stuff but yeah that makes sense.

How are you op, is he still away or have you had the chat?

Sorry OP, but he doesn’t sound like a fully functioning adult, either because he has learning disabilities, or because he’s been babied all his life. I’m not sure he can be’fixed’.

Who deals with suppliers and employers as part of their house? This post smells like BS

There is nothing that destroys sexual chemistry faster than a parent child dynamic in a relationship. If he can’t adult then he needs to learn to damn quickly or accept that he needs to move back home to mummy who must have washed his clothes for him and you go back to dating.

i agree with the love bombing other posters have suggested - now he has his feet under the table the lazy cocklodger has revealed himself.

Similar happened to me - after 2 years I let my ex move in. He had been very kind and helpful around my house, always keen to pull his weight and had told me he’d given up weed many years before. The day after he moved in he bought £175 worth of weed and a pipe, stopped washing every day, glued his arse to my sofa watching YouTube on my telly all day while scrolling on his phone, stopped doing anything round the house apart from cooking himself 3 big meals a day plus snacks and refused to go out anywhere. He told me he was going to resign from his new job and “just do uber” in my lovely new car. I got him out within a month. Never again!!!

I bought my dd a book called Successful Life Skills for Teens. It sounds as if he could do with a copy.

Not being able to use a washing machine is absolutely weaponized imcompetence. It's just a washing machine. It isn't hard to understand or remember. Leave the instruction book nearby if you must. There is no good reason why he needs to be instructed in this over and over again. The same with everything else. Can you take a step back and consider how hard these things he needs help with actually are? Are they the kind of thing that most people understand after one explanation..?

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Start getting some packing boxes. Pack up his stuff . Just tell him that you need some time ALONE after the trial arrangement. Put a lot of hus stuff by the door ready to go. He WILL see it when he gets back. Message him and inform him of your plan to gain back FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM......

Absolutely! How can someone not get how to put on a wash after being taught? Utterly ridiculous.

That’s very handy… for him.

Unless he’s a fucking moron, he should be able to learn. I can tell you my DH soon learned to remember shit, because if he didn’t, I’d leave and he knows it.

Tell him to move into his own place and work out how to be an adult, and maybe you can look at living together in a couple of years - but don't take his washing home to his mum.

I think it depends what you want op? In theory, a traditional relationship involves living together in a home, but honestly a lot of those types of relationships I see really do result in women doing more domestically and being "mum" even when there's no children. I have children with my husband, and luckily he is super competent, but if I were of an age where I had my own home, no need to a house partner or contributer, no requirement to set up "home" for a family..... Then I'd not have a man in.
Can you go back to him living elsewhere? Dating/holidaying/spending a few nights together then being separate? That'd make me happier I think.
Or does he earn enough to outsource his share? If he pays for a weekly cleaner and someone to collect his laundry?
Or he learns how to adult?
Or you break up.
I think they're the options. Personally, I'd rather have as long as possible in the dating/bf stage where you live apart but see each other regularly and actually enjoy time together rather than arguing over who needs to clean the air fryer. However, if you want a house/life/live-in partner then maybe he isn't it.

@cheeseislife8 has he never lived alone?

As somebody once kindly pointed out to me; you have a cocklodger.

You need to be honest with him, the only truly happy relationships that survive are those with good, strong foundations rooted in honesty. You have had the honeymoon period and of course, with any relationship, there will be disagreements.

Tell him how you feel and go from there. If he makes a big theatrical, nasty exist then he's done you a favour by leaving. If not, then you can progress onto the next step of what sounds like a lovely relationship.

If you don't tell him, and welcome him back and carry on having to live his life for him, you will grow to resent him, treat him differently, and it will all end in flames anyway.

Good luck, be brave!

Get him to move back into parents otherwise itll be months of saving up a deposit, finding the house to rent etc etc. youll literally have to handhold every damn step. Parents he can be out by the end of the week. It’s difficult but rip the plaster off and youll soon have a peaceful house!

Agree with this.

Your first post implied he’d lived with his ex, OP. Did she do everything for him? And he let her??

Suggest your conversation includes exploring what happened there because objectively speaking, this really does look like willing incompetence at best, weaponised incompetence at worst.

He needs to move back in with mummy and look for his own place. A year of living alone to become a fully functional adult and you can consider moving in together again. If he doesn’t want to or he suddenly ends it he’s a cocklodger!
it’s actually a good test if everything else is good, if he doesn’t bother or comes us with excuses then you have your answer.