There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

😆

So sorry you have had a dip. Do read or listen to this book, it’s really good on how your partner of 20 years opts out- and how he is a ‘stranger’ not who you he was.

Google Oprah Winfrey interview Belle Burden for a preview!

LMAO.
I’m not gonna… but that would make a fantastic song haha.

Provide the lyrics, @Sodthesystem, to give mummy917 her much needed laugh.

Thank you once again everyone for your comforting words and just overall loveliness!

I am definitely taking this weekend to rest and reset. I’ve had a night in with my friend tonight and we had some picky bits and watched The Housemaid and it was exactly what I needed! I sobbed until I felt ready to pull myself round earlier when we first got back home from the holiday.

The hairy mechanic made me chuckle and is now what I will probably always think of when he mentions his car again 🤣

I honestly debated whether I was doing the right thing by going to where we used to always go as a family on holiday and did think I’d be better off just losing the money and cutting my losses with it, but the kids did enjoy it and it was quality time I got to spend with them, even though the holiday overall came with its challenges. I’m sure somewhere down the line, I’ll be glad I stuck
with it and took the kids away.

My ex didn’t seem to look at me with any disgust or anything similar to that when he noticed I had welled up today. He didn’t mention it and maybe (probably) felt awkward, but I suppose it’s a small win that he didn’t say or do anything that made me feel worse or embarrassed about it.

@mummy917 the fact that the kids enjoyed themselves is the main thing really , I’m glad you are feeling a bit better .

@mummy917 you are doing an amazing job. This really stuck out to me: “He didn’t mention it and maybe (probably) felt awkward, but I suppose it’s a small win that he didn’t say or do anything that made me feel worse or embarrassed about it.” Please please please remember that anything he does is either due to self-centredness or his own shame at his behaviour. He won’t be able to admit that so he will try to make you feel bad instead. Don’t let him! Grey rock and firmly believe in yourself. Your children are very lucky to have you and they will know this. That is the only thing that matters.

This is good advice, you don’t turn your feelings off overnight

I am feeling slightly better again this morning and have agreed to go into work to do a bank shift until 5pm as they’re short staffed. I feel as though it will help take my mind off things further.

Well done. Keep your head busy on other stuff. You are doing GREAT!

Extra money and keeping busy = great plan

Feeling better, working and supplementing your income are three bonuses for you today mummy917.

Good plan working today to keep yourself busy and not overthink. We are all rooting for you OP. You are an inspiration but you don’t realise it yet. Take care of yourself

@mummy917

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'm reminded of the verse "Weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". I'm not sure a full day's work qualifies as 'joy', but it'll do in the meantime.

I hope you had a good shift OP, taking your mind off things for a while and making some extra cash too 😊

Being at work definitely helped! I’ve just gotten home and always a bonus to make some extra pennies xx

I think it was inevitable that your first holiday since separating was going to be challenging - whether you went to a place with memories or without. The important thing is, you gave it your best shot. Yes, it was tricky and understandably emotional it I bet your DC had a lovely time. Next time, it will be different.

You are still so early on in this journey and it’s only natural there will be downs, sometimes big ones, as well us ups. It’s ok to cry, to mourn, to wonder how it all went wrong …. I encourage you to be kinder to yourself and give yourself permission to let those feelings out.

I hope you can enjoy the time now while the DC are with Mattress Man. Fill it with work, friends, trashy telly, whatever you feel you need.

You are doing so well… you absolutely can do this!

@mummy917 if you can afford it and it is your custody time perhaps you could get away somewhere in Oct half term for a couple of nights just to start a new tradition of solo holidays with the kids to somewhere that just you , and them , have chosen . Glad you had a good day .

I find it difficult not to be hard on myself when he all but said that our marriage ending was because of me. Maybe in time I’ll see it the same way as you all do, but I think that’s partly what is keeping me as stuck as I still seem to be. Obviously it’s because I still love and miss him too but that kind of goes without saying.

It fills me with a feeling of dread when I think that it still is early days, because to me it feels like I’ve lived this for a lifetime already.

I have my new book to be getting on with tonight and tomorrow will be a much slower day, doing things for myself.

@mummy917

Glad the extra shift was helpful.

Remember, it’s just his opinion, it doesn’t make it fact. There are always 2 sides, and often reality is something inbetween.

Enjoy your new book! And try to be kind to yourself tomorrow. It’s been a tough week!

Sadly @mummy917 when you say you still love him, you need to accept that the man you think you love is no longer here. And his behaviour towards you (and your DC by extension) over the last few weeks has only proved that.

I'm sorry

Yeah I totally get that and see where you’re all coming from, and I’m sure in time (however long that may be), that I will see it too.

The book is one I actually picked up while we were in the Lake District this week and it’s very good!

What makes you think that what he said was true? "You made me do it" is the classic male abuser trick, and very hard to see from inside the marriage. You didn't cause the marriage to end - he did. Did he suggest marriage counselling? Did he work with you to sort out things he was finding difficult? I've followed all your threads and I'm not seeing that.

Your love isn’t going to disappear over night you might never ever stop loving him some women and men never stop loving there exes no matter what they do. Op but he has definitely shown you that he no longer loves you and I do believe it’s because he has someone already in your place. The nastiness is to help him not you. Enjoy your book and hopefully one day you will stop loving him enough that you won’t actually care what he thinks of you.. Don’t beat yourself up about your feelings they are what you feel.

The whole "if you hadnt done....[whatever]......I wouldnt be this person so its all your fault" is just their way to try and excuse being a cunt.

He was always a cunt and will always be a cunt. But disguising that is very hard to keep up long term, especially when the going gets tough, such as unexpectedly having newborn twins. So the mask slipped and Mr Selfish showed himself.

This was always the real him, you fell in love with the "celebrity" version of him (thinking of Justin Lee Collins, who a lot of women had a crush on at his height) but you ended up living with the cunt that he always was.