There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

No I suggested marriage counselling and his response was “I don’t need that” - it was never about what the marriage may have needed or what I felt might’ve helped us work through things. It was also me who did everything I could and took a step back to see things from his point of view, to try and repair the relationship. He didn’t make any changes as he never believed he had played any part in all of this and to this day has never taken one single bit of accountability for anything. I know now that he never will.

I sincerely hope I’m not one of the ones who loves their ex forever; there’s no way I could handle this ongoing up and down indefinitely.

Hi op hopefully you won’t be that person.

I'm sorry if I missed this at the beginning of the first thread but how exactly were you at fault in his view? You seem too balanced, @mummy917, to not have reflected on this and I get the feeling you would be honest and put your hand up if you had a part to play in it. I don't see you doing that yet it comes across as though he has left you feeling bad enough that a bit of you accepts his version of events, at least some of the time.

I have followed this thread since your first post. You are so much further on than you think you are. Sit with the sad moments and move on. You are doing fabulously for yourself and for your children

@mummy917

His response of ‘I don’t need that’ in response to the marriage counselling suggestion sums him up fairly well from what I gather. Self focused, selfish, arrogant, missing the fucking point, lazy etc..

He told me I was controlling as there’d been a few occasions in the 13 years we were together that I’d asked him to miss football on a Saturday, so we could do things as a family and I’d not been impressed when he’d come home at 5am from a night out, because the next day he’d spend it in bed and would forego his responsibilities of being a parent. He never had a shred of consideration for me or my feelings and always dismissed them, told me my reaction to his behaviour was “just an excuse” and I didn’t really feel upset or annoyed. I was also repeatedly told during our marriage that I was “just going on” (nagging him basically) if I brought up something I was unhappy with. All of these things were his basis for him not wanting to be with me anymore and at the very beginning of all this, I took a huge step back and did my utmost to not nag him about anything, basically I put up and shut up in the hope it’d make him stay. I was a mug.

I should’ve known then really that he had no desire or intention to work on our marriage. At that point though, it just filled me with despair so I became even more determined to prove to him I was worth fighting for. Pathetic now when I look back.

Thank you for your kind words 🥰 I still struggle some days to see any progress I’ve made xx

@mummy917 weren’t you also really mean suggesting he didn’t spend £400 on a tattoo when there were family expenses to be met??? No wonder he couldn’t stay with you 😂😂😂

Yes, so much so that I finished a run of night shifts the morning after he had one of his £400 tattoo sessions, then I was away from work less than 24 hours before I was back there doing a bank shift to replace what he’d spent, so we didn’t end up really struggling for the rest of that month and didn’t have to dip into savings. No wonder he hated me.

@mummy917 everything Twatoo accuses you of is actually something he does.

He is the controlling one. He is the one full of excuses. He is the one who 'goes on'. He is the one who is useless. He is the one who is uncooperative.

If he dares to be rude / abusive to you in the future, see it for what it is - him telling you exactly who he is.

Just seeing the behaviour for what it is is progress.

each time he lets you or the kids down, each time he behaves callously or selfishly, each time you are in full control of your work and your money, whenever you enjoy the peace of not being gaslit and abused, you’ll remember how far you’ve come. 💪💐

One has to wonder how on earth he’s going to run a house large enough for 4 children, feed them, clothe them and take responsibility for 50% of their outgoings long term on his salary and STILL have money for his precious tattoos.

This coming week I am working Wednesday day shift and Thursday night, and he agreed to be flexible on a Friday morning if I was ever on nights. He has said he is going to a “work thing” at 12 on Friday and when I told him that me working and getting some rest on Friday morning, would need to take priority, he has came back and said I shouldn’t be finishing nights on my Friday mornings. We discussed this at length in texts weeks ago when I was going into work with my new flexi working request and he said he would accommodate on a Friday morning if needed because I was on nights. He knew I’d be putting my availability down for a Thursday night as it’s what we had discussed and agreed was feasible. His mum has agreed to have the kids so I can get a few hours sleep when I come home from work, yet somehow I now feel guilty for both the kids and her, that I’m doing the night shift at all. Work have rostered me in to do this night shift as me and him agreed it was doable with a little bit of flexibility from him on the odd Friday.

It isn't you who needs to feel guilty. You discussed this with him and whilst it is doesn't surprise me that he would go back on his agreement and be so selfish, you at the time had no reason to think he wouldn't be capable of sticking to something agreed when you went in to request it.

I know you mentioned before as well that your trust doesn't allow you to only work night shifts so what did he expect as it wouldn't work of course to a night shift Wednesday and then day shift Thursday, doh!

I am glad his Mum is able to help and please don't feel guilty for the children or his Mum. It is his choice to have said one thing and done another. I'm sure his Mum will make sure they are okay and honestly it really does seem like she sees through him at least a bit.

@mummy917 has he ever had a work event on a Friday before?

Send him a screenshot of the conversation where this was agreed, without commenting.

Quelle surprise, @mummy917 he is backtracking yet again on agreements to keep you on the back foot and doubting yourself.
This is all part of his coercive control over you. You're doing a great job of not responding to him and letting things wash over you, but they will be taking their toll. I think Women's Aid could help you to work through things and help you make sense of his behaviour, especially the way he controls by accusing you of being controlling.

He's a selfish, selfish man. No thought or consideration to ANYone but himself.

It's certainly not you who should feel guilty.

A 'work thing' at 12? He means he's going to the pub/out for lunch @mummy917!

There We Are Then.

I’ve gone back in the texts and have sent him it in a screenshot so he can see it in black and white but he hasn’t replied to it which is what I expected.

No, he never had a work thing on a Friday during the day before, as the rest of his colleagues would be at work.

I can feel how much of a toll this is taking on me and I am struggling to feel like my head is above water at the moment. It’s one obstacle after another.

I’m assuming he’s been absolutely vile to you again in text messages, so I’m so sorry.

In someways would it be worth telling him you are literally at breaking point? That he chose this, it’s all been what he wants and on his terms. This isn’t something you saw coming and isn’t what you wanted. It’s incredibly new and you are struggling. Whilst he may not care for you as a person or partner anymore, he should still care about your wellbeing as the mother of his children. Your mental health directly affects his children. If you have a breakdown, which constantly fighting with him is pushing you towards he is going to end up having to do far more than 50/50 childcare whilst you recover. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he caused this, he broke up the family and walked away, leaving you to pick up the pieces and rearrange your whole work schedule around him and start a new life. He now needs to pick up the slack and help his children whilst you all get used to this new setup.

He has major problems re Fridays - I guess one day he will remove them altogether ( but that will mess up his 50/50 )

so far you have had 1. hair cut 2. the car 3. the car again 4. his next tattoo is on a Friday
Have I missed any ?

No need for you to feel guilty , he’s the one who has moved the goal posts once again , just take up his mother’s offer of having the children . Presumably this kind of thing will be less of an issue when they are back at school/ nursery so only a few weeks a year . I worked pt nights as a nurse for almost 30 yrs with school / nursery mornings as childcare and it worked fine . I have to say it again but he really is a knob and making it so clear that the only reason he is having the children at all is to avoid CMS as he literally cannot wait to hand them back ASAP . KNOB .

@mummy917 I get why you might not want to lay it on the line to him so bluntly and why you may not want want to open up to him how much you are struggling and how this is affecting you. You don’t want to feel vulnerable emotionally with him again. However he should be made aware just how acutely his behaviour is affecting you and he should be reminded that he chose this, this is all on him. Because of him and his decisions your life has been turned upside down, not just your life, your children’s too. You now have to work your shifts around the breadcrumbs of time he’s willing to throw at you childcare wise, look after the children and also parent a little daughter who is emotionally struggling with the split. At the same time he is being abusive and trying to make things as difficult as humanly possible for you. You are human and a good person, you deserve compassion and respect and unless he changes his attitude and starts treating you with respect you are going to break.