There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

You know what is a really good thing to teach your kids? That we dont all have the be the "best" version of ourselves.

Its ok for mummy to be down or sad or bored or angry or struggling. The parents who insist on protecting their kids from the harder side of life are not teaching their kids that sometimes, things are shit! Frankly, the earlier they learn that the better! You did a good job of teaching them that mummy isnt perfect, well done xxx

Didn't he have to drop them home early last week as the car was in the garage? Does this garage only work Fridays and why is his car in 2 weeks in a row?

I would offer to bring the kids to the garage as I guarantee his car isnt there and nor is he.

I think you either have to call him out on this or this is your future, week after week of excuses.

Yeah I would be inclined to send a a message "Sounds like your car is costing more to fix than it is worth. If it was me I would get rid because frankly I am not happy with the kids being driven around in a car that has needed to be "in the garage" once a week for the last month (and always early on a Friday). Happy to keep them at home until you have a safe and reliable car for them".

Ive never heard of a car needing so much work and that can only be completed on a friday. And its convenient that it always needs to go in when he has the kids. This could have been done any day during the week but is only on his days with the kids.

But how many more excuses can he come up with now as his car has had enough work to last a lifetime so wondering what the next excuse will be. Im wondering if its just to get through summer or if its going to be every Friday there will be an excuse even when school starts back.

I think the only way to stop it is to call it out for how blatant it is (pointing out that there are frequent friday issues and is he having problems arranging things for days when he doesn't have the kids) or working around the excuses (so for example, he doesnt know if he will be home from the garage so take the kids to the garage, as generally people dont sit in waiting for car repairs)

shoes are a really good one to say ‘you will need to take them to buy school shoes for the big ones and new sneakers for the others. School shoes are black Leather, with a good grip sole, the shop everyone goes to is xxxx .’ do that next time and you can also say I bought the last set, and you never paid towards them so we will alternate now. Basic shoes like sneakers and school shoes were one of the first jobs I handed off to my dh, it’s a simple task.

He said apparently they are finishing off the work that needs doing to his car this week and he’s booked it in for a Friday because he doesn’t work Fridays. I have sent a message back saying I will do the handover at the garage but obviously haven’t had a reply yet as it’s still early.

That’s a really good idea about the school shoes!

Yeah I’m always as age appropriately honest with the kids as possible about feeling sad etc. I have been honest and said that sometimes I miss their dad and it’s normal as we were together for a very long time.

@mummy917

This.

And remember, it wasn’t just you going through another first. Well done!!

I hope TWAT doesn’t mess you around too much today. And that you manage to have some time to yourself this evening to do or feel whatever you want or need to. A good cry and a takeaway may not be a bad idea!

Let’s not forget. He offered for you to have them another night and to hand them over tomorrow morning ‘if that’s easier for you’?

Is he suggesting he might be waiting at the garage while they fix it at drop off? He may need to be collecting it? That you drop off and meet him at the garage? I guess there are car seats to think about.

Obviously, we all feel it’s probably just a convenient excuse, however, you have to deal with face value, for now still at least.

Good luck! Safe travels back.

Cross posted I think.

I see you’ve already offered to meet at the garage. Even if the car isn’t ready, he can still do that I’m sure.

Didn’t he keep the week off still? To have some time to himself?

So, he’s had the whole week off not working, not just Friday?

I was about to say this, he was meant to be off work this week too I thought? So surely any sensible person would have had it booked in for Monday to get it done.

I have no idea what he ended up doing in regards to his “week off”, I didn’t think it was really my business anymore to ask what he was doing with the time while we were away, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had still taken the annual leave.

I have to take him at face value with this, so I’ll be at the garage when we get home and we always sort out car seats at handovers.

He said yesterday that he plans on going to the gym while he’s waiting for his car to be done 🙄 so the holes are already there in his story as he’d have to be there for hours while waiting for it to be done as we won’t be back until 2pm ish.

Twat really doesn’t want his kids back on Friday does he 😔

This. All part of your reasoning for suggesting to him that 50/50 isn't working.

I would just reply let me know whether to meet you at the gym or garage at 2pm.

He should make himself available so he cant just swan around to the gym.

Or you could say to him you will call the garage this morning and ask them what time the car is expected to be done by and meet him there then, because my guess is the car isnt in there.

Best idea yet! His car isn’t at the garage. He told you he was taking some me time this week and he’s clearly forgotten saying it. You’ve had a break from his ridiculousness for a week and it’s starting up again as soon as you’re due back. Do this and it can end now. While you’re at it, tell him you’re starting yoga/kick-boxing/whatever classes as of this week and that classes are on Friday mornings, so he needs to sort his shit out and stick to the agreement you both made. What a twat.

@mummy917
Ignore the posters suggesting things like solicitors letters.
It is way to early for that.
You are still at the stage of gathering evidence of all his failings, it has not been nearly long enough yet.
Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't let him know you are keeping track.

You need to be thinking about your long term goal: do you actually want to carry on with something near 50/50 (maybe tweaking the routine a bit to make it more stable), or do you want something much nearer you having them 12 nights out of 14 and him having them every other weekend (with him then paying you child maintenance of course, and you paying for childcare so that you can work).
If childcare is not practical for your working shifts (nightmare to get evening or late night or very early morning childcare), you may decide you actually need him to have them more than EOW.

Decide your long-term goal.
Continue gathering evidence.
Then go for what you want in mediation. If/when mediation fails, go for what you want in court.
But you need evidence, lots and lots of evidence over many, many weeks and months, to back up your case.

I think you're being hard on yourself, @mummy917 about the children not getting the best of you this week. Your 50-60% will still probably be more than his 100% because his children have to fit around his other life which he's keeping hidden at the moment.
His car is either outside a holiday location or in an airport car park just now.
As others have said, this is a longer game, so keep adding to your notes, don't say anything inflammatory, if you aren't able to handover according to the agreement, note this with him via WhatsApp. Keep the digital paper trail and after 6 months of this caper, it will soon be very damning reading about his ability to do 50/50 faithfully and reliably.

Hi Op he really is the shittiest dad is his car and gym more important than his his 4 kids. Seriously how are you not getting angry at him. He should buy a uniform for his house so the kids always have a clean one. He really wants to be telling you what to do. Op most caring dads would be oh how are the kids can’t wait to see them I’ve missed them but nope not this twat. I take it this is his weekend if I was you I would be calling to the garage to see the car in situ because he is not trustworthy. He certainly doesn’t know how 50/50 works.

I wouldn’t be pissing about with him and just message him to collect them from yours

Surely if the car is in the garage he is more likely to be at home as he has no transport. He’s lying once again. Garage conveniently on drop off days. Most normal decent people would do it another day. But twattoo isn’t anything other than a selfish twat who thinks getting divorced means less thinking of his 4 kids.

It really won’t take long before the eldest is working out that his Dad always wants to drop them off earlier or pick them up later and has no regard to how they feel about it. 😡

There's a lot of "mentionitis" of the Gym in his texts. Has been from your first thread, OP. I'd suggest dropping the kids at the Gym and watch him panic ....

It's made me think your Ex has seen, or is chatting to, someone at the Gym and has reconfigured his life to make himself available. I know it's not your business, or probably in your best interests, to know, but in the same position I think I'd find a bit of a personal "ah-ha" moment in finding out.

It's more than that. Him going to the gym is probably him going to see his OW. Maybe he does go to the gym sometimes 🤷‍♀️ but it's just something he thinks he won't be questioned about.

It's clear he lies about many things. I think taking him at face value is the correct approach, even if OP (rightly) doesn't believe him.

The gym is within walking distance of the garage he’d taken his car to. He rang me when I was driving home and said he’d meet me at my house, which he actually stuck to and turned up 10 minutes after me and the kids arrived home.

I have gone into a bit of a downward spiral since the kids went to his though; I’ve sat and sobbed thinking how different this holiday was to our last family holiday and how much I miss him.

I started to well up when he was at mine collecting the kids and he definitely noticed, I could feel him looking at me as I was trying to look anywhere but at him. I know I haven’t sworn a lot on these threads, but fucking hell I am really not holding it together well at the moment.