There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

I totally agree - he’d probably turn it on her and say she was trying to control him again.

Say nothing to him about your thoughts or feelings.

Definitely do not tell him how you are feeling etc. as suggested by a previous poster. There is no way that would give a good outcome for you. Grey rock all the way and facts. Well done on sending the screen shot. He’s such a liar isn’t he!

Yes, There is a definite pattern with him wanting Friday mornings..... I agree Grey Rock. so These replies will do.
We agreed on this schedule.
Not open for debate
Fridays are written in stone, find a solution.
Do you want the judge to decide.
CMS exists......
I might message his mother & say Thank you so much for picking up his slack, he keeps playing about with the agreed schedule, surely she doesn't believe all his fabrication ?

Thank you all, I’ve only just gotten round to reading all the replies as I’ve been at my friend’s daughter’s birthday party this afternoon.

No, I definitely won’t be telling him how I am feeling at the moment as it will only feed his ego and be something he can throw in my face at a later date.

I selfishly wish he’d have just up and left our lives fully. I can’t even begin to get my head around having to deal with him for at least the next 15 years.

It will get easier as you start to care less and less. Also there will come a time well before that when the kids will be able to organise things more themselves and you will not need to contact him even if you’re dropping them off at his. See the light - it may be a long tunnel but it’s still shining there.

I think unfortunately I agree with this.

It was either on this thread or the last one I said I had concerns about relying on him being flexible when you needed it - and here we are. He’s so predictable.

I don’t think you should make any arrangements that rely on him being flexible, no matter how much he promises that he’s happy to help.

You need a structured arrangement, for your own sanity. Hopefully things will be easier in term-time, but holidays are still a fair chunk of the year. Every week he’s pulling you in different directions and it’s not fair on you.

I think you should book mediation (not that it will work, if he even turns up). You can then move on to getting a proper court-ordered schedule in due course.

I know you’re struggling with how you feel, but him messing you about really won’t be helping.

Forgive me, I can’t remember where you’re at in terms of your divorce - I think you filed and appointed a solicitor? I know it takes time but I think the sooner you can wrap things up, the better for your mental health 💐

@mummy917 that is the exact attitude that you need at the moment

“I selfishly wish he’d have just up and left our lives fully. I can’t even begin to get my head around having to deal with him for at least the next 15 years.”

OMG. I know you’ll just have written this in the moment to reflect how you’re feeling but I think this is yet another breakthrough! They warm my heart! Until now all your wishes have been about what might have been. Suddenly, out of the blue, here’s one which is utterly objective, cold, analytical and (as ever) absolutely on the nose. He’s not him any more, he’s just a fucking nuisance whom you’d be better off having nothing to do with. I am having little happy dance about this comment (well, not literally, I’m holding a cup of tea) because I love, love, love it. Oh…and it’s not selfish. It’s reflective of his behaviour and fully deserved. I wonder if next time you clap eyes on him you’ll feel a glimmer of distaste. Wouldn’t that be a thing?! PS I know I told you crying was good for you but I didn’t know it’s THAT good!

@mummy917

I selfishly wish he’d have just up and left our lives fully. I can’t even begin to get my head around having to deal with him for at least the next 15 years.

I'll get easier I promise. You still have 'raw places' that haven't healed. But they will.

As far as leaving your lives fully, it's early days yet. Chances are once the divorce is finalized (because for him 50/50=no maintenance is what the current arrangement is all about) and/or he 'gets serious' with someone new he will start seeing them less and less.

And that last is a good reason for you to be sure you've figured out alternative childcare before it happens.

@mummy917 Do Not mention CMS or the judge to him.
Let him think you are helpless and clueless and that he is 'winning'. You just need to keep your head above water until the mediation and court hearing.

Until the court order is finalised, it is probably best to avoid working any Thursday nights that rely on him being flexible for you - that is just giving him the power to mess you around.

Get a timeline from your solicitor.

I don’t plan on mentioning anything to him, I will continue as I have done so far to grey rock, even though I’ve found that harder at times.

Currently in the 20 week window and can sign the conditional order in November (actually the day after what would’ve been our 5th wedding anniversary, so another kick in the teeth really).

I know this is going to sound daft or even maybe lax of me, but the thought of dragging things through mediation (which I don’t think he’ll attend anyway) or a court, is something I don’t have the motivation to do at the moment. That might change in the coming days or weeks, but I feel like all I’ve done for the last few months is fight and I haven’t got much left in me right now.

Unfair though it is, I agree with others who have said you will need to only make arrangements that you have a ‘plan B’ in place for, as he continues to demonstrate that he is unreliable and inflexible.

I would text him along the lines of …

I find it disappointing that you seem unwilling / unable to be flexible in our parenting arrangements in spite of having agreed in writing that you would do so ( see my previous message detailing that agreement).

Just so you have it on record, and demonstrating that you are being reasonable, not responding emotionally, but reminding him again what he has AGREED to.

I wouldn’t use the word flexible.

I’d stick with ‘honouring our agreement concerning Friday mornings if I’ve worked a Night shift.’.

Dont give him words like flexible or he’ll start expecting flexibility that allows him to drop the children at 7am on Fridays, except when he’s having a tattoo or he fancies a day off.

Well done for texting him a screenshot of the agreement—all the more reason to keep conversations to texts only, to prevent him from gaslighting you and going back on agreements.

My prediction is that he will continue to try to jerk you around for a few months, but will stop once he realises that he will only get a grey rock reaction or a screenshot of what he agreed on text. He’s like a child who is testing boundaries. As they say in the parenting books—firm, consistent boundaries work best with small children.

Tempting to send back "Suzie is happy! She won the sweepstake on why you want to bring back the kids early this time. I had your car breaking down again, Jane had illness and Suzie said you would change it up and claim you have to go to work! You owe her a tenner!"

'I know this is going to sound daft or even maybe lax of me, but the thought of dragging things through mediation (which I don’t think he’ll attend anyway) or a court, is something I don’t have the motivation to do at the moment. '

Sadly between now and the day you are fully divorced is when you do need to document everything / notify your solicitor / fight as it becomes more difficult once divorced.

I suggest he knows the above, and when that divorce is final he really will take the pis re Fridays and other things as he will know you would have to keep going back to Court and that costs !

It's perfectly normal to have these feelings, so don't beat yourself up over them. It's a form of grief. You're grieving the relationship you thought you'd have as your children grew up. I saw this today and it struck a chord. As time goes on OP, things will get easier and the pain will lessen. You are a strong woman and you will get through this, I have no doubt.

@mummy917

I know this is going to sound daft or even maybe lax of me, but the thought of dragging things through mediation (which I don’t think he’ll attend anyway) or a court, is something I don’t have the motivation to do at the moment. That might change in the coming days or weeks, but I feel like all I’ve done for the last few months is fight and I haven’t got much left in me right now.

I don't think there's anything too wrong with 'taking a breather' as long as you calendar it for sometime in the not too distant future.

I think an attempt at mediation is mandatory (I'm not in the UK). If you're really, really sure he won't cooperate then it might be worth it to just get it out of the way now. Or at least get something in writing from him (text/email?) that he refuses to go.

I know, and I know now is the time I need to battle through all of his bullshit. I would be happy to go to mediation but it will ultimately be my money I’ll be wasting if, or more likely when, he doesn’t show up.