There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

I agree about Flexibility...

Edited to say I think this has already been dealt with.

Ha Ha. Its late. I thought I was editing not reposting again.

He has said in a WhatsApp message this morning that I should only work nights either on a Wednesday or on the days he already has them for his weekend, so it doesn’t have an impact on his own free time. I’m very grateful he put it in writing.

November is three months away, and as you have found, one month is a long time in this process.
So you have time to breathe. Don't panic.

The next step is to look at your finances. Can you survive between now and about December working just your two days (Wed and Thu is it?) plus odd shifts every other weekend? If so, you won't need to rely on him to be flexible. Make a plan of income and outgoings and write it down.

Meanwhile, Keep Notes Of Bullshit.

May not work for you but could you offer to swap his early returns on a Friday if you’re not working Thursday night for late returns when you are if you can give him notice of when you are? Again offering this would show your intent to be reasonable and support your kids.

And how are you able to work a Wednesday night and then a Thursday day? What an idiot! But yep another bit of evidence of him being unreasonable to add to the list, wouldn't want his precious free time affected would we. There we are then, with bells on

That is exactly the kind of crap from him that you need to save up to show the judge.
And exactly why you don't give him any hint of what you are planning

He really is a special breed of 'it's all about meeeeeee' ... a sad but true indicator that you (and his mum) are their to enable his '50/50' which is only about him not paying child maintenance

I'd actually let him keep saying this stupid shit on whatsapp/texts/whatever so you have it all in writing ...

I’m not sure it’s actually legal to go straight from working a night shift to working a day shift. I’m sure your employers have policies preventing it too. There We Are Then.

Edited for typo

But he’s been trying to impact your free time every Friday.

Also you can’t possibly work a Wednesday night if you can’t work the Thursday night as you can’t do a night shift followed by a day shift starting straight after.

One good thing is that he’s clearly stated you shouldn’t be impacting his free time. Every time he tries to change the goalposts with bringing the kids back early etc now, throw this exact phrase back at him ‘You should not be impacting my free time’.

He knows that it would the Wednesday day I'd have to work then the Thursday night if it’s my weekend with the kids, as weds and thurs are the only two days I can work on those weeks. He knows that when it’s his weekend with the kids, my flexible working states I am available from the Wednesday - Sunday, so he thinks I should be doing nights that week instead. I honestly have no words for him.

I have a word for him, but cannot say in polite company 🤣🤣

So far he's had pretty much everything his own way and he intends for that to continue.

Divorce is always horrible. Remember Winston Churchill's words - "when you're going through hell, keep going".

I don't think it's right at all but is there any childcare that you can look in to for a Friday in this situation?

It is evident he won't stick to the arrangement he agreed to originally and obviously your employer can only do so much to accommodate so I do wonder if actual paid childcare might be an option? I appreciate the cost is so high it almost makes working that shift pointless but just thinking what protects you from all his games and the children too.

Reply with one word - Noted.

No - that can't happen otherwise he will think @mummy917 has agreed.

“The children benefit so much from nursery but I’ll be unable to contribute equally as I cannot match your income from 8 days of working in a fortnight.”
He doesn’t have a problem impacting his mother’s free time, does he?
As you said on a previous thread, she’ll get fed up. 🤞 it’s soon and impacts him.

And you were the controlling one???

Personalily, I’d say that in that case, you’re going to have to have the twins in nursery on Fridays, which you’ll split the cost of, both because shift work is an integral part of your job, so it’s unreasonable to expect you not to have to do it, and because he often seems unable to keep them for the agreed time on Fridays anyway. TBH, this would probably make your life a lot easier anyway, if this is the fifty fifty arrangement that sticks going forward. He’s supposed to be doing school drop offs anyway, so that’s covered. He can drop the twins in nursery and on your weekends, you collect them. Obviously, there will be school holidays to contend with for the older two, but maybe your parents could cope with helping drop offs to holiday clubs on the odd Friday that this is necessary?

Personally! Also, not sure when the two child benefit cap lifts, but if you’re eligible for UC, you might find that you’re eligible for help with childcare costs. Plus - this would mean you almost never have to see the man. Just one drop off for you on a Wednesday, and one for him on a Monday!

He would take this as agreement!

He really is such an arse , if the Thursday night is your last night I’d just suck it up and have a sofa / lazy day and an early night , I worked pt nights as a nurse for 30 years and did that plenty of times .

I would do this honestly or arrange alternative childcare but this tells you that you need to stop being flexible, stop letting him drop them off 3 hours early and make excuses every week.

I would respond saying something like fair enough we need to both stick to the agreed times then so please ensure there are no more early Friday drop offs.

Would your mum and dad be able to come over on any relevant Friday morning for a few hours, I understand holidays will always be a problem, but there's only a couple of years until the twins are in school.

I agree with other posters that any long term plan cannot rely on him helping you on an ad hoc basis.

He's a total bastard. Keep all these messages.