There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

I'm sorry, but I don't think he will care in the least about @mummy917 and how she's feeling. We've seen no signs of empathy or sympathy from him so far.

Thank you for your reply explaining his behaviour pre-split, @mummy917. I feel angry, incredulous and exhausted on your behalf just reading about it. You sound much stronger than you did a while back when you talk about him though - you're doing so well. I know you are not in control of your feelings but he really does not deserve your love. But I'm sure, given how far you've come, it will extinguish sooner rather than later. You and the kids are going to have a great life!

'there’d been a few occasions in the 13 years we were together that I’d asked him to miss football on a Saturday, so we could do things as a family and I’d not been impressed when he’d come home at 5am from a night out, because the next day he’d spend it in bed and would forego his responsibilities of being a parent. '

He hasn't grown up and deep down he didn't want to be married / a family man, he wanted and wants the single life he has now - which includes Fridays.

I am now surprised he was happy to have more than 1 or 2 children
( I guess no one thought the 3rd pregnancy would be twins )

He thinks he is still in his 20's. :(

No I doubt he will, however that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be told. Having it in black and white what an absolute arse he has been should be drummed into him. Also being told that him continuing like this could easily cause a very real breakdown, should give him pause for thought because if the OP has one he will need to take on more responsibility for the children whilst she recovers.

I don’t agree. He could weaponise that and use it against her, take the children for more time then demand child maintenance from her.

@mummy917 grey rock all the way, your screenshot of the previous conversation where he agreed to support your night shifts is the way forward at this point. If the Friday thing won’t work, then that admission has to come from him, with him telling you he can’t do the current arrangement. At that point you can suggest a reduced contact schedule and a figure for child maintenance in lieu. If you suggest he can’t cope with 50:50 he’ll just dig in and do all he can to make your life harder.

@Lostpassporthelp I think it’s absolutely the last thing she should do , tell a therapist , tell a friend , write it down but it won’t help telling him as past behaviour shows he will just not give a shiny shit and that will make it worse .

I disagree, as incredibly sad as it is, there isn’t a chance in hell that he wants any additional time with the children. The threat of having them more, is probably the only thing that will make him fall into line.

In full agreement with this.
In fact I genuinely worry it would only be used against her.

Grey rock all the way.

(I left an abusive relationship, lots of coercive control and did learn the hard way to keep how he made me feel to myself)

If OP tells him she is at breaking point he will see it as manipulation and will likely either ignore or rain down more abuse on her. I don't think she needs either of those things. Appealing to someone's reason or empathy only works with reasonable or empathic people.

I can't decide whether he is inept (making promises and then forgetting them) or deliberately trying to sabotage her career.

@mummy917 has your solicitor advised how long you need to gather evidence of his messing about re 50:50 and contact times?

Op please don't tell him how your feeling, this is the new him, he will ramp up and make things any thing difficult for you now,
Your mil is helping out so take it,
He will back track on anything to make it difficult for you,

He will if he thinks there is money in it and at the moment he has his mother on side doing all the childcare so it wouldn’t inconvenience him at all . They are getting a divorce , how the OP feels is no longer his business , the only thing they should be engaging about is the children .

If he is the sort of man I think he is, he will absolutely weaponise the kids. My ex used to take our dd when she was little and make his mum look after her- it meant he could still do what he wanted and he could prevent me having her. If I had a work issue and needed him to help me out, I couldn’t ask him to because he’d use it to make my life more difficult- either saying no, or storing it up as a stick to beat me with later on. And he’d drop me in it by bringing her back when that suited him if he thought I was benefitting from her being at his. It was all carefully (and unprovably ) done to cause me maximum anxiety, inconvenience, and make me stay on the eggshells I spent our relationship on. He still does this now but with different tools, usually financial, as our daughter is older now.

Your life is supposed to revolve around the children and his ever-changing 'fun' schedule, even though you're getting divorced. That is his position.

Be glad you're rid of him and keep saving those ridiculous messages.

Hi op sorry you are struggling again with this selfish twat. I’m not surprised you are tbh he’s a fucking cunt.
One please don’t feel guilty for having to work and sleep afterwards this is how we all survive. Don’t feel guilty for mil this is all her son’s doing. She’s not helping you she covering his selfish arse again. I will put money on this being ow dropping his kids to go have his fun did he ever mention a female colleague before the split?
I think even though he doesn’t give a shit you have to remind him he chose everything and he has to stop putting himself before his children or this isn’t going to work. Tell him straight you fucked this family over because you don’t want to be married to me and this I am grateful for. but you don’t get to fuck over your kids. Anything you do on a Friday needs to be planned around them if you won’t do this we can get a court order I need to work just like you do so don’t think you can control this part of my life. honestly op you need to get mad now he’s pulling all the strings he dismisses you anyway so give it to him with both barrels.

Don't give him a stick to beat you with @mummy917 he will use it against you. Keep doing what you've been doing - grey rock him - but find your anger towards him instead of feelings of love n care. He doesn't deserve them.

So you shouldn’t be finishing work on a Friday
morning, but it’s ok for him to book the car in, go for a haircut, get a tattoo, etc…. on his time with the children? Riiiiiiight 🙄

Not pathetic at all. You were trying to honour your vows. And when we’re in it, we can’t see it the same as when we’re out of it. And we naturally let a lot more slide when we’re more emotionally invested.

I think you’re right, he had mentally already decided. Again, he was operating in a singular mode… 🤷‍♀️ He wasn’t working with you for the sake of the family, marriage etc..

Not pathetic at all. You were trying to honour your vows. And when we’re in it, we can’t see it the same as when we’re out of it. And we naturally let a lot more slide when we’re more emotionally invested.

I think you’re right, he had mentally already decided. Again, he was operating in a singular mode… 🤷‍♀️ He wasn’t working with you for the sake of the family, marriage etc..

Go to bed in another place on Friday if possible, and leave him to it.

"he all but said that our marriage ending was because of me" I could feel your sadness and the hurt that phrase caused when I read that.
But you then went on to list all the awful things he did which have brought you now to this point. So logically your brain knows even if your feelings haven't caught up yet.
Both of you know that you were willing to stay in the marriage and had been trying to make it work. So its illogical to blame you.
This is the man who didn't need marriage guidance. He didn't need it because he had no interest in changing for you or I suspect for anyone. He wanted to do his own thing and he blames you because he obviously can't blame
"The Big I Am"
His mum is willing to have them for a few hours on Friday. Don't feel guilty about that! That is on him. I suspect she's beginning to see more of what he is likely purely because of how willing he is to dump them all on her. She's said yes to help you because she knows its better for you That is such a positive..
He on the other hand constantly reveals his innate selfishness, and pettyness.
This is a huge life change for you and your DC but you are freeing yourself and your DC to live happier lives x

@mummy917

Sorry, didn’t mean to double post, it was slow.

Please try not to feel guilty. You acted on the information available.

I think the screenshot is a nice way to remind him of what he has said. It may make him think a bit more before he says stuff in the future. I doubt it, but that’s a him thing. It’s up to him to problem solve the Friday morning, which he has. You need some sleep to function! That is a priority when looking after 4 young children!! His children!!

Would a mention about trying to avoid needing to claim spousal maintenance from him be helpful? Highlighting you need to work enough to pay bills… 😉

I’m on team #don’t share how much you’re struggling. I don’t think he can be trusted with the information. Do tell others who have your best interests at heart, but not him. He does not, and I fear it may go against you some how at some point.

Pointing out the stress and unhelpfulness of his TWATiness, sure.

People who work in the caring sector are disproportionately lacking in compassion for self, and often more vulnerable to being exploited by twats. I see it over and over again in my line of work.

Be kind, treat yourself like you would a loved one.

Exactly this, it seems to be one rule for him and one for you.
I think though there either needs to be flexibility both ways or it needs to remain structured both. So if he cant give any then you need to start doing the same. Unfortunately that may mean not doing a shift where you rely on him in any way to do extra, because you cant rely on him at all as even if he says it one week he can take it back the next.

So I would arrange your shifts around the agreed schedule only. But you then need to get tougher on sticking to that schedule and not letting him have these constant changes because he is only capable of scheduling things for a friday!

I agree. He will see it as his tactics having the desired effect.

He left but claims its all her fault, he will he will write it off in his brain that any hurt he's caused her as a comeuppance, is justifiable punishment -

because of course he is never to blame for anything. Just a simple soul yearning for freedom and tattoos...

Oh, there'll be something every bloody Friday, you mark my words. His inventiveness for trumped-up spurious excuses to ruin the OP's weekly timetable will be neverending. There is no point in expecting anything else.

You really need to be kind to yourself. You are doing amazing, it’s early days and school holidays. Despite your personal reservations, you’ve just taken your kids on hols and smashed it!

I also want to add, when you are ready explore those sad feelings. I mourned the loss of my family unit, what could / should have been, my own personal negative feelings around not being ‘good enough’ and it was never really about the ex!!