Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

He can ask for space but this isnt all on him, if you dont want to have a month in limbo and feel this isnt right, you can call it now. Just depends on whether you see potential here or not. But it takes two people to be in a relationship so if him hitting pause doesnt work for you then tell him no, it isnt working and we will go our separate ways.

I understand possibly wanting a step back but to put a defined 1 month on it, I would be wondering in my own cynical way, whether there was a reason for this specific bracket of time.

Just dump him

Hmmmm, I would say he is looking at his options, as in his heads been turned and he wants some fun or to see if he can make it work with someone else.

Keep you on the backburner if it goes wrong.

I would call the shots and tell him its over, permanently

Cherchez la femme. Block him

I'm sorry but thats just not how relationships work. You don't get "time off" to revaluate stuff. You either work on what needs working on, or you go your seperate ways. Stop letting yourself be an option. Why should you wait around whilst he decides your fate. Decide it for yourself and make it a permanent break. He's not committed at all, he wants to live the single life for a bit and then he will decide what life he prefers. Fuck. That!!

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend

I am twice your age and I do remember how shitry this sort of thing felt. But you are 25. You are young and have the whole world out there to explore. No man is an island, as the saying goes, and this one doesn’t look like he’s on the same page as you. Take back your own agency and get out there over the summer. Catch up with old friends and make some new ones. See who or what else is out there. Decide your own fate. I promise you’ll feel much better for it.

I would get in there first and dump him op. That wait would kill me and fuck him with his enforced ‘break‘
He’s probably had his head turned and wants the opportunity to pursue this person but have you hanging on in case it goes tits up

I think you should let him go and think about how you are going to move on with your life.

Don't make decisions based on him, you are still very young and you are just starting out so you don't want to be held back by someone who "isn't sure".

He may well come back to you having decided you are what he wants but you owe to yourself to have a think about what you want and how you want your life to develop rather than just waiting around for him.
Sometimes relationships have a shelf life and we outgrow them, this could be what is happening here.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

a lot can change between 19 & 25.

are you sure you even want him back after this?

when I was 30 I had a similar experience, he was a bit younger though not enough to make a difference. We did get back together and initially I was delighted, I was madly in love but his flopping about changed how I felt. Once someone’s hurt you it’s very hard to be un-hurt and have the same relaxed sense of trust.

his ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’ Psychobabble is a load of crap frankly and not a good enough reason to leave you for a month.

bit of a nerve that he’s so confident he can pick up where he left off, if he chooses!

especially without clearly defining what ‘space’ looks like to him. Is this no contact / reduced contact?

I would honestly not contact him for a month.
work on yourself, think about what you want from a partner, the sort of relationship you want, if you want one at all, or to be single.

and if you’re feeling petty, when he crawls back I’d be tempted to tell him you need another fortnight ‘space’. He shouldn’t be so quick to assume he can just float back to you at his leisure.

Make the most of the break OP. Don't just sit around waiting to hear his decision. Get out there and try being single yourself, see if you still want him by the end of it.

You aren't in limbo. You have your control by not contacting him, getting on with your life and deciding yourself.

Personally if someone wants a break, it means they have had their head turned and fancy a different person to shag.

Tell him it's permanent and wish him well imo.

Don't stand still. Move on.

Why does he get to decide while you have to wait for him to pronounce his verdict?

It’s incredibly cruel.

After 5 years he knows whether he wants to be with you or not.

And even if he decides in your favour what happens next time your relationship goes through a difficult period (as all long term relationships do with job stress, pregnancy, bereavements, parenting, ill health etc.) ?

Is he going to do this over and over?? Or have you walking on egg shells to avoid it?

If you were my DD I’d be advising you to think very hard if this is how you want to be treated for the rest of your life.

He's got his eye in another woman, I'd bet good money on it!
A man who loves you doesn't need a month's break. After 5 years, you know if you're in or out.
Tine to take ownership of this. I'd send a text saying that this isn't working for you, you've thought about it and have decided to call time. Then block his pathetic little arse!

What he wants is a month to try his luck with other women safe in the knowledge that he can get back with you when he’s finished.

Mate - he’s met someone else and will be seeing how that goes over the next month, and then he’ll make his decision on who’s better.

ask 25yo me how I know and also how it worked out (clue: he didn’t choose me….!).

walk away. Take back the power to make decisions that affect you. Don’t look back.

Sounds like he's got FOMO and wants the freedom to look about (and come running back if the "consideration" doesn't pan out🙄).

You mentioned emotional needs not being met. Yours? Was that ever resolved, I'm thinking not?

It seems this has run it's course, I'd not wait for him to decide I wasn't what he wanted.

Can’t say anything more pertinent than this. You will ok, take his power away and make your own decision to dump him.

Take back control of your life. Tell him it’s over. This man isn’t worth your time x

I agree he is testing someone else and you are now his back up plan.

Anyway you have as much say in this relationship as he does. You now know what he has on offer for you. You know he is the type of guy who will just put you on hold. You have a choice now. You can spend the next month hoping his new relationship doesn't work out and he comes back to you (until next time someone turns his head). Or you can just end it, block him on everything and spend the whole of August looking after your life and assessing what you want from now forward. You can prioritise yourself. You can do things for you. You can make the decision that waiting is not what you want. Because what do you get at the end of it? Some flaky guy who will just jump in and out of your relationship whenever he wants to and doesn't give a shiny shit how you feel.

Did you post previously that he had cheated on you?

Either way the relationship is over. Just end it.

Sorry OP you are his back up plan. Don’t sit around waiting for him, tell him you’ve thought it through and it’s over. Dump him and block him. Take some time away by yourself if you can. Do not be anyone’s option B.

Sounds like he met some one else during his weeks holiday OP and he wants to enjoy himself with her whilst keeping you on standby .
I agree with pp: just end it with him. Don't let him mess you around just to suit his agenda.

God no! No cheating (that I am aware of), just unfortunately some nerves about the direction of the relationship and where it is going

Listen to A Little Time by The Beautiful South! I think he wants to break up with you sadly but is too scared to say. You’ll be ok x