Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

Has he been reading too much Reddit? Unless he's a philosophy lecturer, I'd find the way he talks a bit strange-seems very unusual.
You could suggest therapy, you could go along with this if you want to-but only if that's really ok with you.
Has he gone through anything specific, because that's the only reason I see this as normal for a young man-if he's just lost someone, he might be genuinely confused/unable to handle stuff. In that case, reassure him you're there.

a healthy relationship really shouldn’t be this hard

its nice you grew together etc etc but maybe now it’s time you set off on your own

He wants a break to decide what he wants. Everyone is entitled to do that. But you don’t have to hang around waiting on his decision.

It’s over. You’re 25. You don’t even live together. Wave him goodbye, move on and stop talking about limbo. You are embarking on a new stage in your life.

There is a song called " a little time " by The Beautiful South. Look it up and have a listen.

Does he have any teacher friends ?

choose someone that cant live with out you, not someone that cant decide they can live with you. life is too short hes probably got his eye on someone else and is holding you in limbo as a back up.

How brave are you @BeEdgyDenimCat?

If after 5years he doesn't think you are "the one", why would a break make any difference, it sounds as if your relationship has run it's course.

Do you have the courage to want more for yourself?

It's your choice, not his, don't hang around whilst he's exploring his options.

Love the song but never actually seen the video of this. Makes it look like he narrowly escaped being murdered by the girlfriend!! 🤣

Agree with the sentiment of the song though OP- he wants a month to play away 🙄

Also, 5 years and neither of you wanting to live together is a red flag for that relationship. Sounds much more like habit than love.

This!! Great song and so true
.

Well and truly stuck in my head now thanks 😂

I would take the decision away from him and dump.

This. He is breaking up with you like a proper coward. Dump and don't look back - you deserve better.

He might want a break but he isn’t the only one that has a say. If you don’t want to spend the next month in limbo, end it and move on! Who needs a month to see if their life is better without you? If anyone needs time to think about that I wouldn’t be waiting around for him to decide. Has he any holiday plans over the summer by any chance?

Just tell him it is a clean break. You both go separate ways.

You try on something new as he will.

If a year from now you meet again who knows.
But dont go sitting moping for a month

I have never bought into the whole "we're on a break" thing. You're either together or you're not. This is a set up where it's very easy for one person to hurt the other. You are young, you will both have changed since Uni. If you're meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other but while you're in a situation without any major shared responsibilities, enjoy the freedom and live your life without considering him.

I'm saying this as someone who's married to my high school boyfriend. We broke up after A levels, stayed friends but very much did our own separate things in different cities. We got back together in our 20s. We're in our 40s now. But I feel like we chose each other rather than just coasted along and ended up together out of habit. Because we broke up properly and didn't go on a break.

It's scary to break up because there's uncertainty where maybe there was comfort and familiarity but honestly, it was the best thing for us to have a complete break and fully be ourselves.

You're of an age where it should still be fun and exciting and he sounds like a right buzz kill.

Why would you want a man who could treat you so poorly? What relationships were role modelled to you as a child? Because a young woman with the world at her feet should laugh in this guys face, block him and move on. He’s not for you and you’re not for him. That’s ok, 25 is much too young to be tied down!

We also got together when we were 18, and it is really young to commit to each other for life. And I get that you can feel like you are missing out on things etc.

But we never even considered a break from each other. I did go travelling for a bit but we didn't break up, we made it work long distance for a bit. Together 25 years now.

It does feel a bit like he is keeping his options open. It's OK to decide you don't want to be his back up plan.

why the fuck is he deciding your fate? Tell him you don't need a month to decide and kick to kerb now. and yes Beautiful South

after years together you are at a crossroads, the relationship either needs to end or become more serious (live together, marriage, children) which at just 25 is quite an overwhelming feeling. you too could be “exploring your options”. My own dc found it was a make or break age and called it a day, wasn’t ready to settle down.

I suggest you think about what you really want and need rather than the easy option of staying together, if he’s not sure now, in a month he may walk away, or even if he comes back to you will walk away later

Watch how to be single? The gf dumps the bf, so she can go off and have some 'fun' then she goed back when shes done shagging around and announces she's ready to come back. And obviously he's like 'no' xx go have some of your own time alone or not and try to forget him

I think this too

Sadly OP I think a lot of university relationships hit this point. Couples get together at uni, and are blissfully happy for years, and then it gets to the "is this the person I want to spend my life with" stage. I remember lots of rock solid uni relationships ending as we all got to our mid 20s.

It sounds as though your boyfriend has reached the point of wondering if he wants to spend his life with you, or if it's time to move on. He's not sure, so rather than ending it, he's asked for a break. I imagine he's hoping that he'll either miss you desperately, or feel happier on his own, and then his decision will be made.

It's torture for you of course. As others have said, you could take control and end it yourself. But the problem with that is that a) you might miss him and regret being potentially hasty, and b) he might come back to you in a panic at losing you, only to do the same thing again in a few months.

Your future is not determined solely by his decision, it is determined by yours too. If you don’t want a break and you feel it is messing you around, then you can choose to end the relationship now. If you are uncertain, then you should take this time to really consider whether, in fact, the relationship is what YOU want.

I don’t want to come across as patronising but the fact that the relationship has been quite a long one and you are now 25 shouldn’t make you forget you were only 20 when it began. Most 25 year olds are pretty different to who they were at 20. This may simply have run its course and if so, that is ok and you can take some time to get over the sadness and then find someone else (if that’s what you want.)