Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

I’m in my 40’s now and had a boyfriend like this when I was younger
my sister and other people tried to say “look he’s seeing someone else and wanting to see how it goes and hedging his bets”
I was young and stupid and naive and didn’t want to hear this - respected his space then surely enough went out one night to see him with another girl I was gutted and heartbroken

please don’t be me! It was an awful experience

So much wisdom on this thread.

Easy to say from my grand age, but I'd say 'of course, have your space. See you around' and then assume the relationship is over. I wouldn't contact him again.

Very hard - but absolutely no-one says this because they're committed.

I don't think it was The Housemartins unless they did a cover.......

OP he is wanting you to do the pick me dance.....don't do it.

Hes got another woman and wants to see how it goes. If it doesnt go well he will want to come back
Dont give him the opportunity.
Bin him now

Beautiful South x

@godmum56 wasn't it The Beautiful South, which contained a couple of Housemartins members?

Yes... Beautiful South, you're right.

Haven't RTFT but got as far as "after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him" - and my first thought was that he met someone on holiday and is either pursuing that or wants to 🤷‍♀️

Sorry op.

Your relationships over, sorry.
He’s wanting to break up but not sure how to say it. Like others, I believe he wants to try his luck out on the open market. If that doesn’t work he’ll probably call you.
Either way, it’s done!

He’s wanting a month off to shag someone else and expecting you to do the pick me dance.

If you want to keep your dignity - don’t. Tell him that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sure and needs “time to decide”.

@trockodile I was about to post the same thing. This song says it all.

OP, you may feel in limbo now, but why don't you also take that month, claim it for yourself as a period of reflection about him.

Do you want to make a life with a man who will abruptly announce such changes? Or see your relationship in such black and white terms: why do you have to review or judge your relationship either through the lens of good times or through the lens of tricky times? All long term relationships go through tricky times. Most have very tricky times when DC are small. Is he flexible enough, committed enough, mature enough to recognise this?

Sorry OP but he has moved on already. Does the break mean he can go out and meet other women? Is this why he wants the break? Does it mean you can go and meet other men? Or is it a one sided break? Men love those!

Yeah I’ve re read your post and it definitely looks like he had a fantastic time on holiday and now wants to be single or has met someone else but doesn’t have the balls to say it! Sorry OP! Take the summer for you and to do nice things for you with friends and family xxx

And waggling le coque I’ll be bound.

He’d be gone.

I don’t think it’s fair that he has decided on a break that he may or may not wish to resume! I think reclaim your power and see other people. If you meet someone else then so be it because he who snoozes, loses! Best to tell yourself that it’s over with, and enjoy your life and date others. He doesn’t get to call the shots anymore, either he wants you or he doesn’t!

@BeEdgyDenimCat I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly destabilising, and anyone would feel anxious in your shoes.
But I’m going to be blunt, because you’ll get that a lot on here: a month‑long “break” is almost always a slow, gentle breakup. People who are committed don’t put their partner on ice for 30 days while they “decide” if they want the relationship. They work on things together. They don’t retreat.

The timing is also telling. You had a rough patch → then three great weeks → then he goes on holiday → comes back cold and unsure. That pattern usually means someone has enjoyed the feeling of freedom, or has started questioning whether they want to be in a relationship at all. It doesn’t automatically mean there’s someone else (but I suspect there maybe someone he is interested in), but it does mean his head is not where yours is.

His line about “is the relationship defined by the ups or the downs?” is classic waffle from someone trying to justify stepping back without looking like the bad guy. It’s not the language of someone fighting for the relationship.

And the cold messaging? That’s the real giveaway. People who love you don’t suddenly detach. People who are checking out do.

You’re not in a partnership right now, you’re in limbo while he decides whether you’re enough. That’s not fair, and it’s not how someone behaves when they’re fully in.

Has he specified if this is a complete break, that he can played away during this break?

You deserve someone who knows they want you, not someone who needs a month’s silence to think about it.

If he comes back after August, you get to decide whether you want a partner who can switch off like this. Don’t forget your power in all of this, you don't have to take it.

Do not wait for this guy. You are not cohabiting so nothing to organise here.
He wants ‘a break’ for a while because he is too cowardly to tell you that he has met someone and is infatuated. He is figuring his options while he believes you will sit pining for him while he is ‘trying out’ his new woman.
I would heartily recommend taking the bull by the horns, telling him that a month’s break is a permanent one. Block him, walk away with a straight back and a flick of your hair.
I know it’s hard to hear but I suspect that I, and the majority of posters here, are spot on.
Ring up your friends, organise some things, have some fun. Think of this as the first day of a new era in your life. Vent on here if you need to, we will have your back and will help by remote.

After five years, I’d have expected to move in together.
Your life isn’t in his hands. He may want a month break, but you don’t have to accept that. If I’d been with someone five years and they wanted a break, I’d assume they have had their head turned by someone else. Someone who loves you won’t need a break from you.

You’re young. Just because you’ve had five years with him, doesn’t mean you need to waste any more with him. He could do this again or leave etc. end it now and go and find someone who wouldn’t dream of asking for a break.

The cynic in me thinks he wants a month to play the field and see if he gets a better offer or he’s just too much of a coward to call it a day.
If you don’t want to be in limbo for a month then call it a day, say it’s obviously not working for you both at the moment and carry on with life.

I agree with others, reading that this followed a holiday, I think he has either met someone and wants to see how that goes or he tried single life and thought it was fun so wants that guilt free for a bit.

Based on a LOT of threads on here, men generally dont leave relationships unless they have something else. So he is just dipping a toe outside to test if there is something better before committing.

But to me that say he isnt the one. Its up to you whether you want to wait around knowing you were the backup plan or whether you want to take control and wait for someone that picks you first, rather than just when he couldn't find anything better. But if he comes back this time because he didnt like the other option, no doubt this will happen again when someone else catches his eye.

This. After five years it should be crystal clear whether you are both equally excited about the next step - moving in together, maybe getting married etc. Neither of you seems to want this much, which suggests you might have outgrown each other.

My ex partner wanted "space" to do his own thing whilst I was pregnant! Said he wanted to go out with friends and get it out his system before our baby arrived. Turns out he was having an affair and we split when baby had arrived and was very young. I'd be suspicious I'm afraid.

It sounds like your relationship has fizzled out for him and if you were honest it’s probably the same for you. I think he’s trying to let you down gently.

These sorts of pushes and pulls in relationships invariably lead to a power imbalance where one party holds all the cards and the other is left feeling insecure. Counterintuitively, by allowing this break, you sign the death warrant of the relationship. You lose your faith in him, he loses his respect for you.

The only way to redress the balance is to take control, end the relationship and work on yourself as an individual. Try to enjoy the freedom whilst you’re young! If you two are meant to be, you will find each other again, and hopefully by then you’ll have grown as individuals and can be stronger together. Or perhaps it’s just not meant to be.

You were only 20 when you got together, that's young to start a forever relationship. A lot of people grow out of their first loves. You need to re-evaluate it on your side also.