Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

It’s over as you won’t be able to trust or feel secure in the relationship again after this.

I’d just tell him it’s over.

I think people are being unfair saying that he's a bastard who just wants a month of shagging around. He may be, but he may not be.

After 5 years, it's a big step to end a relationship. He's clearly having doubts about the relationship, but isn't sure enough to end it. So he's asked for some breathing space to take stock and decide what he wants.

Of course that is a selfish act, based on his own needs, but what are the alternatives? Should he pretend he's happy and just carry on? Or should he say to OP that he's not sure what he wants so he thinks he should end the relationship so she doesn't have to endure the limbo? You can bet your life that most people, on hearing that suggestion, would actually prefer to give their partner some space to think. At that moment, uncertainty feels preferable to misery.

What he's doing is hurtful, but whatever he does, he's going to hurt OP. That's the nature of break-ups unfortunately.

@BeEdgyDenimCat

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with,

No, you are not in 'limbo free fall'. You are in the space where you, too, can examine your relationship, and his behaviour, and decide if his actions are those of a person you really want to entrust with your heart, and your future.

And no, he doesn't get to 'decide your fate'. You are the Captain of your proverbial ship. You can use this time to make that decision for yourself.

You really need to examine your relationship brutally and honestly. Either with a very trusted friend or relative who has your best interests at heart or with a professional counselor or therapist.

Whatever you do, do NOT sit at home waiting for him to make a decision. Get out and do things. Live as a single person for August. I'm not saying to sleep with someone, just saying to see the world through fresh 'single eyes' and see how it feels.

Because when men 'take a break' they aren't sitting quietly examining their hearts and contemplating a future with you. They're seeing 'what's out there' as an alternative and deciding if they like that better. I'm not saying he's going to sleep with someone, but I am saying he will be viewing the world through his 'single eyes'.

You are young and you have spent the last five years together I think it’s fine that he wants a break - just embrace what comes

This smacks to me of someone wanting to keep you on the back burner while doing a bit of shagging about. Sorry op. You’ve been together a while, since pretty young, and he may have had his head turned a bit but wants to hedge his bets. I would take the initiative here and end it. Or, go have some fun elsewhere yourself?

As PP have said I strongly suspect he has had his head turned and wants to see if he can get something else off the ground whilst keeping you as a backup plan.

The question for you is do you want to be someone’s backup plan? I hope not.

If you were my friend or my daughter I would remind you of the sunk cost fallacy, just because you have devoted 5 years to the relationship does not mean you should stick with it at all costs. This relationship has given you it can, and cost you what it has and it’s run its course and that’s OK.

I would advise you to either dump him straight away for a clean break, or keep him hanging for a month and then tell him that you have discovered that you are better off without him. Trust me, even though it hurts now you will be better off in the long run.

The worst thing you can do right now if you want him back is to message or contact him. He needs to be wondering what you are up to and he needs a chance to miss you. Don’t smother him.

That said I’m afraid I agree he either wants to sleep with someone else or wants to be single over the summer for obvious reasons.

Since you got together fairly young he has probably realised he never had much chance for fun.

If you were “the one” he wouldn’t risk losing you so I think the relationship is over. Be brave and end it to keep your dignity before you drive yourself insane trying to hold onto something that you have no control over.

And block his social media. It’s for the best.

Sounds like he may have someone else he is interested in . Don't wait for a man to decide if he wants to be with you or not . In the bin he goes.

I agree it sounds like he's got his eye on someone or someones ... you've been together since you were 20 and he's afraid he's settled down too young but is afraid to fully end it without a fallback - 'you' ' in case he's wrong. Hence the 'break' terminology...

I'd end it yourself. He's in or he's out; none of this break nonsense. That's an 'out'. Call him on it, say you're not going to wait around for him to decide if you're what he wants and will move on yourself if he's out.

You don't have to accept the limbo period or await his decision. You can take control and end things now.

I would suspect that he's either using this as a cowardly way to break up with you or that hes got his eye on someone else and wants to try his luck and keep you as a fall back option.

You are young and have no ties. Free yourself to find someone new.

Honestly OP, get back in the driver’s seat and take control and make the decision to end it.

You don’t need to ‘respect the space’ and nor do you need to hang around in limbo waiting for him to decide whether he wants to continue. This isn’t some sort of chivalrous noble thing he’s doing. At best he’s being completely inconsiderate and self-centered while he does a bit of navel gazing, but like many others I suspect there’s more to it. Even in the best case scenario, it shows a lack of maturity and respect for you and your five years together.

It’s your life and if you allow yourself to be dictated to over this, even if he decides he wants to stay together, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship dynamics.

He either wants to be in the relationship or
he doesn’t. It’s actually really simple. It doesn’t take a month (of doing what exactly?) to work this out. He’s either done, or he wants to make it work, and in the latter scenario he would make it work by communicating with you, not by being apart from you for a month.

Sorry OP. I’m sure it’s not what you want to hear . Hold your head up high and choose the standard you want to set for yourself. You deserve better than this.

Dump him.

It sounds to me like he is too cowardly to just end it and wants to try single life while keeping you as a back up option.

Don't let anyone treat you like that.

You are young and should move on.

It's summer time so his head has been turned by the young lovelies so wants to shag around for a month. Then back home to you in time for Christmas and having his dinner cooked & pants ironed.

Do yourself a favour and make it a permanent break so you don't catch an STD or HIV from him.

This. You are not in limbo. Take control of your life, meet new people and do things you have always wanted to do. Enjoy a free life. Then later decide if you do want him back.

But yes, it does sound like you are keener on him than he is on you.... so would be nervous about what your longer term relationship looks like, even if he does come back. I think he may break up later on as sounds like he has doubts.

Look, never EVER be someone’s option. You deserve do much more that this. If he can’t decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with you, you decide and bin the fucker off.

but my guess is that he wants to see if another woman is an option.

sorry

Way back when something similar happened to me: boyfriend behaved differently, over a period of time (months or even a year), and eventually dumped me. Said hurtful things about me. I was devastated and became unwell with depression which lasted around 18 months.

No MN back then but a savvy friend advised me to have a clean break and no further contact with him. Did that. Helped me at least retain some pride and peace of mind. Six months later I dated another young man, for around a year, who turned out to be horrible!

Later turned out my longstanding ex had had his head turned by a ‘friend’ he began officially dating a few weeks after our break up, and later married. The things he’d done and said to me were, in retrospect, like ‘the script’.

I bumped into and had a drink with him a couple of years later, I was single and doing better by that time. just chatted about mutual friends, family, work. Superficial stuff. kissed cheeks goodbye and it was like kissing a door! Nothing was there anymore. Other than residual anger about how he’d treated me and that I’d put up with it.

In retrospect I would: rip off the band aid much sooner; do the no contact; and get help for my mental health much sooner.

Oh, and if I’d had MN I think that would have helped!

You are both 25 and have been together for five and a half years. It's an extremely good idea to step back and reevaluate the relationship!

This.

He just wants to fuck other people with you as his safety net to come back to if it doesn't work out.

Don't be optional.

you deserve better. Call it quits now rather than dancing to his tune with the month long separation idea.

You could go off and have a wild time of your own in that month, then reconsider what YOU want ...💐

I would listen to The Housemartins song 'A Little Time'
And then dump him.

Absolutely not.

Do not sit around while he decides if he wants you. The 'break' tells you all you need to know about him and his mindset. He is keeping his options open or looking for someone or something better.

Know your worth. Don't be a passenger in your own life.

I disagree. They're not married, they're not engaged, and he wants space to evaluate if this relationship is really where he wants to be in the future. Given they've been having some tough convos about this, he's been feeling he wants space for some time. They got together as teens and they're hitting that stage where the frontal lobe has matured and adulthood is kicking in.

He had a holiday and got to experience life without his gf of 5 and a half years. He liked it and wants more of that rather than the relationship. It could be there's someone else, or he likes the freedom of being single and able to meet anyone he chooses without explanations or deceit. Whatever it is, he wants time and space to see where he wants his adult life to go.

You can't force a relationship on him. Truth is, he's not ready to settle down and this has come to a head for him.

I would consider this a breakup, not a break, and tell him that.

I had a couple of long term on-/off relationships between the ages of 17 and 23 (met DH at 23) but still also managed to sleep with ten guys in that time. Not that you have to do that, but neither do you have to let the grass grow under your feet in your month "off".