Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

I can remember being 25 and a few of my friends and I had all been in long term relationships and all went through this at the same time. Mostly at the behest of the boyfriends.
I think there are times in life when people take stock and I do think some young men think at 25, I’ve been with my GF for 5 years if I stay much longer it will be marriage and babies and they feel they are missing out.
Some young women feel the same.
A few of us got back together, a few us didn’t but none us were together as couples long term after those breaks.
My advice would be to tell him take his break and shove it. He won’t be sitting home knitting all summer…
It will be hard, and you will be upset, but being in limbo is awful.
You are still so young, there is a whole world out there full of people and experiences. Go live in it. 25 of the perfect age to do it.

Don't lower yourself to waiting to be picked by some man.
Your frontal lobe has just finished developing this year, go and enjoy life, forget the bloke entirely.

I would bet good money that if you reacted to this by saying 'actually do you know what, I don't deserve to be left hanging like this, it's clearly not working well so let's call it a day's he'd be begging you to reconsider. It sounds like the relationship is dead in the water, either that or the worse option of him either wanting to see someone else or emotionally abuse you by pulling stunts like this. My best piece of advice would be to walk away altogether OP, but I know it can be hard to do that.

Ermm he wants to shag about for a month. Maybe he’s got someone else lined up already.
There’s no way someone in a committed relationship would do this - he just doesn’t have the balls to call it. Put him in the bin, you deserve better. And without being patronising - you’re young, you sound lovely and you’ll meet someone great.

Does he think you are Ross and Rachel?!

Use this time to decide what you want and I suspect it won't be to wait for a month and hope he comes back to you. How selfish.

There’s someone else.

Don’t let him mess you around, take back your power and end it. You’ll find someone deserving of you

You are young. If it’s complicated now, it won’t work later when life gets real and you are dealing with kids, financial stress and bereavements.

I would bet money this won’t work out and you may feel better by taking control and finishing it.

However if you don’t want to cut loose yet you could give him the month but don’t talk to him except to respond if he gets in touch.

Unless he comes back of his own volition, 100 percent convinced it’s you, it’s time to call it a day.

Sorry.

In the nicest possible way - there is no way that after a month break he is going to want to go back to the relationship and it be the same as it ever was. This is the beginning of the end

You need the self respect to end it now rather than wait around for a month for him to tell you he doesn't want you back

So he met someone else on his holiday who he’s going to have a little test run with for a month, then pick who he prefers?!
The guy’s a selfish prick.
You really need to stand up for yourself and tell him it’s over rather than wait for him to decide your fate! You are worth so much more than that.
I couldn’t stay with my partner knowing they’d been (presumably) sleeping with someone else for a month, just because they felt like it. Who’s to say he won’t try it again later down the line now that he knows you’ll put up with him doing it.

A) either his head has already been turned and his hedging his bets with you as back up.

B) or he’s too chicken to end it so is taking a l phased approach.

my money is on a), b) is a side effect of a).

if you can book yourself a holiday / weekend break for August. With a friend or be brave and go solo. Really live your life this month, go out, party, have meals.
do not wait for him.

in fact tell him that he can come to you in a month but you may not be waiting for him by then.

then ignore him and don’t stay dangling on the hook while he checks out another girl.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend

Why would you think that?

Just tell him you aren't going to be messed about & he can make the month permanent.

Has he got anything in particular going on this month, such as festivals or lads holidays?
sounds like he has a plan to do something, and he’l know whether it was the right decision or not come September…
I would bet the plan has another woman in it somewhere sadly.

Get some self respect and dump him. It's not just his decision on the relationship.
He's got some one else and seeing if the grass is greener.

Actually I think it's a very good and sensible idea to take a break and find out how you BOTH feel after so long together at such a young age.

You were both only 20 when it started and you've both surely matured and changed in these 5 years.

Taking a time out to ascertain your true feelings for each other is applaudable.

It worked for William and Catherine!

This ^

Don't let him dangle you, cut him loose.

Most likely he wants to try to sleep around for a month and then decide whether he wants to continue the relationship. I suggest you either do the same or end it, depending on your inclinations

You were "on a break." Please. He's not Ross!
Cherchez la femme.
He wants to play away.
I am sorry 💐 LTB, no to the "pick me" dance. End it and get yourself on tinder x

He wants another woman but doesn’t want to cheat technically lol; he thinks he’s being clever.

He does not like you anymore.

I am not sure what part of that still requires interpretation.

My (educated) guess is that he’s planning to pursue someone else, keeping you on the back burner incase it doesn’t work out as he hopes.

Use the month to decide what YOU want, and tell him that’s what you’ve decided to do. This works both ways. The relationship is not his to control with you living in hope, awaiting on his decision 🙄
p.s. I also think this is his way of calling it off/seeing what else is out here for him.

If you've been with someone for 5 1/2 years you don't get to unilaterally decide that you want a break...you discuss it and both agree to it, or not.

If he thinks it's ok to do this now @BeEdgyDenimCat (fab name btw), for whatever reason, then he's perfectly capable of thinking he'll do it, on a whim, for the rest of your time together. You can't live like that love, hoping that he won't suddenly do the same again, learning to tread on eggshells hoping not to "set him off" as if his moods are your responsibility when they absolutely are not.

Call his bluff, tell him "do you know what, I think you're right, as sad as it is, let's just let this go". You deserve far better, so don't wait for his decision, make your own.

Sounds like he’s ’in charge’ of things there! He’s possibly interested in someone else and keeping you as an option on the back burner.

As a PP said, if there’s an issue you stick around and work it out together.

Shock him out of his complacency and ditch him.

They write songs about this OP,
Crappy behaviour on his part

Listen to 'I need a little time" Beautiful South...find your anger and decide you deserve FAR better

Yeah, I'm afraid my first thought was also that he may have someone else lined up but doesn't want to end this relationship until he's sure the new one will work out. Or he thinks this will give him a way to fool around without technically cheating. Even if it's nothing like that, this is not the way to treat someone you care for and it's not how you solve problems, imo.

I would be questioning the stability of the relationship, regardless of his decision at the end of the month-long 'break'. I'd always worry that he must not really have liked me enough if he needed that month to decide.