Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

I don’t understand the numbers, how is it £4k for you and your daughter when others are paying £2.5k for 3/4 people? I’d understand it being the same cost for you and your daughter as it is for their whole family as you have the same room either way, but not it literally being almost double to take less people?

it’s a shame but as you say you don’t expect them to change their plans for you, I’m not sure what you do expect?

Ive had to opt out of weekends away etc for financial reasons and it is disappointing but it’s life. I’ve also had friendship groups I thought would last forever drift apart as people hit different lift stages and it is sad but again it is life. If you were close during lockdown presumably your kids are now in secondary or about to start, so it’s probably a natural time for it to fizzle out a bit anyway?

You discovered that you prefer different holidays from the rest of the group, why on earth would you want to go away with them again? And if it's too expensive for you, that gives you two major reasons to avoid the holiday altogether.

I am assuming that the cheaper price is because two families are sharing an apartment or something and that you and your daughter would have to get your own. Otherwise it does not make sense that it is cheaper for a couple and kids than two people.

Honestly, it sounds like life has moved on. You don't have to back away from the friendship group totally but I certainly would not consider the holiday as it is something that you and your daughter will not enjoy. Maybe try and make other friends outside the group.

Are you getting a twin room with your DD? Or two single rooms?

Sorry I should have explained, for each couple it’s £5k that’s for two adults and two children, so each adult pays £2,500. But I pay £4k for me and a child.

I was hoping they would look at other options. There are loads of holidays out there, if I was in organising the holiday I would make sure everyone was included and not feel left out. I’d still love to go, but would just take time out and take us off to the beach. And by the way any suggestion I’ve made to the main person organising the holiday is turned down. She is very forthright with the opinions. The last holiday we went on nearly gave everyone a mental breakdown, she send maybe a thousand WhatsApp messages expected people to jump onto teams meeting in the evening. It was properly stressful. She’s starting to do it all again 🫣 She sort of just becomes single minded and forgets about other people in the process.

I think you're overthinking this. They want to go on a resort style holiday. You don't like these so absolutely fine to opt out. You said you were not expecting people to change plans but wanted to have a conversation about alternatives. Surely that would be changing plans?
Just organise the sort of holiday you like for another time and invite others to join you.

@MrsMoastyToastyno just a normal Standard double room.

Price is per room, that's standard. What about the other person who's splitting up, maybe she can come in with you and dd?

Thinking of it as price per adult makes no sense, your household disposable income could well be the same or more than some of the couples.

So it's cheaper for your family than other families (rightly so, as there's more of them).

You could bring a friend and split costs - not acceptable to you (Why? Seems reasonable).

You want the whole group to change their plans to a holiday that suits you?

Look, your choices are:
Go, and suck up the cost.
Go, and invite a friend to split costs.
See if you can do it cheaper (say twin room rather than 1 bed appt, or less convenient flight times or using a different operator)
Don't go.

It's not reasonable for everyone to compromise for you, if this suits the majority of the group, and you have options such as bringing a friend available to you.

It sounds like you're better off out of it and you might be glad to have not gone in the end.
It sounds like a whole drama and holidays should be anything but.

It's a shame but friendships do change and maybe as your feelings have been overlooked perhaps it's time to find better friends who think of your needs as well as their own.

💐

I think you are both being oversensitive and it's reasonable to feel that it's a bit shit and financially more difficult to be a single person in a world of couples.

The brutal truth is it is easier for them to afford with two salaries - they've already suggested you do the same by finding someone else to share the cost.

I can understand you might not want to do that. I think what you want is for them to book a holiday based on what the most financially disadvantaged (you in this case) can afford. I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation or not.. if this is their main family holiday this year I wouldn't want to do that. If it's a second holiday based on spending time with friends then maybe they should.

If I were you, I’d politely decline, book the holiday you and your daughter actually want, and invest more in the individual friendships that still feel reciprocal.

God she sounds like a nightmare, I personally wouldn’t want to get involved in that and would ignore her calls for meetings.

Is she the main person you feel is ignoring you and not considering your wishes? Maybe the others can’t face changing anything as it would mean more what’s apps and meetings?

I don’t think the cost thing is their fault, it’s always going to feel more expensive for you if comparing yourself to a couple.

if you really want to go I’d suck it up and happily go.

If you’re going to spend all that money and not really enjoy yourself, back out now.

Sounds like the holiday would be a nightmare again.

Id skip it.
You could always suggest get togethers that are within your budget and offer to organise thrm.

from what you’ve said about the organiser, you’re well out of it! It’s a shame no one else is standing up to her and saying what about you, but maybe they’ve not got time to think about it or have other things on their minds. Try to let this holiday go as it sounds like it wouldn’t suit you anyway, and maybe organise some other day stuff with the group over the summer . I bet this bossy organiser pisses other people off

I think you’re taking it a bit personally. Yes perhaps they are being a bit selfish but I’m sure they all want you to come. If I were you I’d just opt out this time but you don’t need to lose friends over it.
I do understand how you must feel left out, is there someone who might like to come along and share cost with you?

Also I’ve never spent that much on a. Family holiday and I hate resorts so I’d hate the whole thing and feel resentful

It sounds shit. I can’t abide being bossed around as an adult.

Take your girl on a quiet holiday of your own choice instead.

When you are a single socialising with couples can be a problem. As youv'e pointed out they have a dual income whereas you have one. They rarely think about that and if they do its a case of "you chose your lifestyle". Couples can be very selfish and self absorbed. Single people on package holidays are badly ripped off.. This was one of the main reasons I began to travel alone - admittedly to non tourist destinations. I would book my flights and hotels independently. After I arrived I always managed to negotiate a much better deal room-wise. I had nothing to lose as I could easily go to another hotel and the management knew that. When you book a package or as a group you lose that leverage.

Why not explore the option for you and your daughter to holiday in the kinds of quieter and more scenic places you prefer?

We went on a really amazing holiday last year. It has everything they wanted in a hotel, less me but I was ok with it. But it came in on budget for me. So I could go. This time it’s hugely more expensive, and there doesn’t seem to be any compromise. I don’t actually think a lot of the other couples are that bothered by the standard of the hotel, it’s largely driven by the dominant couple in the group and no one can be bothered to challenge it 🤣 so they just pay and book.

I think what’s at the heart of it, it’s the dominant couple and the way they go around doing things. It’s made me feel really bitter towards them. I honestly feel like they would be happier if I didn’t come along!

But the compromise is that you bring a friend.

Perfectly reasonable, but you are unwilling to entertain it.

The thing with arranging something like this is you are never going to be able to keep everyone happy. Could you book your own place nearby and then meet up with the group? I am not sure you can really expect an entire group to move resorts or absorb some of the extra costs due to your own circumstances.

If they are the type of people who are spending a lot of time in the resort then yes they are more than likely bother by the class of hotel etc.

It's driven by the dominant couple because they're the ones organising it. Everyone else is happy with the arrangements - I think they've offered you a fair solution, but tbh it sounds like you're not really on the same page for holidays anyway.

Just let them go, then arrange a night at yours or similar for another time.