Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

This as an original group you enjoyed and it helped during lockdown.
It’s now turned into Teams-meeting nightmare.
Led by the driven one and her husband.
To quote the bestselling book, Let Them.
It sounds like a bloody nightmare to me and what are you actually missing out on?
If others go along with it and say nothing, let them as well.
Holidays can be tricky with people you actually love. And as they are so expensive, go in one you and DD will enjoy.
You can still be friends with other mums but if step away from the WhatsApp hell and teach your DD that times change.
As you were writing I could literally feel
myself getting a headache….

Now picturing these two as the Dominant Couple….

Then it might be time to reconsider if they're friends you need. You can cut down the group activities and organise something else with people in the group you specifically like

I think you are making this a much bigger thing than it needs to be. This isn’t your sort of holiday and not the sort of thing you’d prioritise financially. The other people going think differently. That’s fine! I am guessing the last holiday was a compromise for someone else. This time it’s not your thing, just say no thanks and then decide if the friendships are worth maintaining or they were situational. Friendship groups change and reform and adjust - kids will change them too. Your daughter might not even like these kids next year. Or they’ll be besties. Who knows? But you can’t let these sorts of small things affect you to this extent.

My family likes a very specific sort of holiday - quiet, self catered, lots of picnics and outdoor time. Ideally a house with a garden. That’s how we choose to spend our money. Other people like kids’ clubs or tour buses or cruises or whatever… and I’m glad they enjoy those things. But I wouldn’t pay for them. It’s just a mismatch, nothing more than that. Friends don’t have to agree on everything.

I think you are also being quite unkind to the couple organising this. They did the hard work and got 90% agreement. That is amazing. I’ve been the organiser of a large group many times and it’s exhausting and often thankless.

A dominant couple with other couples who love being in the light of their orbit are best kept at arms length.

Watch Two Weeks in August, it's on iPlayer. Take notes. Don't go on the holiday. Congratulate yourself on dodging a bullet!

Sorry but yabu...
The couples have the same or slightly more household cost as you.

You are thinking of this the wrong way and are being difficult.

Maybe time to holiday separately but still socialise otherwise. You are at risk of being the awkward one, not them.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I feel for you, your situation re: the expense and being the only single one of the group holiday is annoying, but what did you expect them to do exactly, in relation to the holiday? Pay your extra share for you?

It's an invitation, not a summons. It suits the majority. If it doesn't suit you, either because it's too expensive or not your type of resort or you don't like being around only couples then it's absolutely fine to say 'thanks but I won't come.'

Why don't you try to arrange a girls only, or girls and kids only long weekend at some point later in the year where it's low key and not expensive? Explain to your friends that you love being with them, you need the break and appreciate the company but these expensive resort places with a bunch of couples don't really work for you.

I think you're making yourself into the odd one out when you're not. The suggestion of bringing a friend sounds perfectly reasonable.

I actually have a lot of sympathy for how you feel, but yes, you are being unreasonable. for a start, the lense you are using to asses costs is wrong. Single adults do pay more (hwhich isn't fair but there it is) but to separate the cost per adult is unreasonable. Most families don't operate like that - you are gettin ga cheaper room than the others.

It sound smore like this couple are the organisers and everyone else is happy to go along with it as they don't want to put the work in. So your options are to step up to do the organising in future, or politely decline.

One thing I would caution you on - is seeing yourself as singl eand therefore excluded. Of course that DOES happen, but i also think that it can also be something you feel more than others. When DH and I are out and about with friends, there's no thinking about couples vs non couples. We just meet up with friends. In our circle, it's quite common for only one member of a couple to turn up anyway - due to work, family commitments etc - so perhaps we have a different view. But I do think you can see yourself as an outsider in a way that is not actuall yhow others see you.

I am someone who conciders everyone and probably in the minority these days - in the me myself and i society we live in. And as you say there should have been a bit more of a discussion to try and suit everyone as surely asking a friend to pay an extra £1500 is a lot to expect.

Sorry you are having a hard time with your Dad and his dementia, i have travelled that journey and lost my mother a few months ago, so realise the pressure you are under. May i make a suggestion that you and your daughter do something special for you, something nice and chilled and exactly what you want. It is very sad when close friendships change and there is probably a lot of grief going on for you at the moment and this is yet another layer.

Gentle hug 🫂

I didn't read the bit about power couple.

OMG.

Run and don't look back, who needs this?

The woman sounds like an absolute nightmare.

You sound a lot more relaxed and also as if you have had enough of the group and what it has to offer you. You've outgrown it in terms of holidays, it might still be nice to meet up for occasional dinner and drinks.

Don't blow up the friendships as such but don't go on holiday with them, its sounds awful.

Take your 4K and book a fab holiday for you and your dd, she may also have had enough and getting older, she will not necessarily be friends with the dc in this group but prefer her own non family friends.

I only ever once went away as a group and it was a nightmare. I paid more than others (as it was just my DS and I), there was little to do, we were surrounded by couples and everything was so expensive.

As a single parent I then began avoiding couples things.

I wouldn't go if I were you. It sounds stressful already.

OP, you say you asked them to consider one thing which was cost and they haven’t. The problem here is that if I could afford £5000 for a nice holiday and somebody asked me to take a less nice holiday for £3000, I think I’d rather have the holiday I prefer. I don’t think you can ask people to downgrade because you can’t afford it. That doesn’t mean to say it isn’t tough on you but it’s just reality. Holidays are a big thing for most people and they really want to have the one they enjoy.

It sounds like you fear missing out far more than you actually want to go on this holiday. Group dynamics can be tricky and fundamentally a holiday should be relaxing and fun. I like to make my own decisions so if a group was being overbearing as you describe, I'd probably just drop out and do my own thing. Others in the group may also feel the pressure but are more prepared to suck it up than you are. You can't expect to sway the whole group dynamic however. Also, as kids get into their teen years, they also are less easy going about socialising with their parents' friends' kids so the whole group going on holiday together may naturally fizzle soon anyway.

I understand you feel hurt. The idea to bring a friend is, to me, far fetched. So you firstly need to have a friend who wants to go on holiday with people and kids they don't know. Have £2500 spare to pay, enjoy that type of holiday and be free the exact dates? Very unlikely. I'm single, I have one other single friend. All other friends are married. If single friend asked me to come away with her and her group of school mums, plus husbands and kids...no. I don't have spare £2500 for a holiday with random people. I don't have unlimited annual leave. Do people who think this is a reasonable idea realistically have friends who would be up for this. Maybe just me, but I don't and if I go onnholiday I want to go with my children. Also, I don't like resort holidays so wouldn't go even as a couple.

I don't understand why you want to go on holiday with them again? Just don't go? Do something else.

As a family we much prefer a quieter hotel, and aren't bothered by the AI option and in-house entertainment. A lot of people like this type of holiday, and aren't interested in doing much outside of the hotel or beach.

I would decline the holiday, it's simply not within your budget and it's not really your style of hotel. There's no point in spending a bomb, when you're not all that keen, and possibly overstretching yourself financially.

Book somewhere you and your daughter like, elsewhere if necessary. You mentioned a city break as well, if that appeals that throw that in, later in the year.

Unfortunately, if this couple have decided X is where the holiday will be and it's going to be X hotel, they aren't going to amend it or provide alternatives. They aren't interested in doing so.

I think things like labelling them the “dominant couple” is just unnecessarily snarky. They take on more planning than anyone else, other people are free to suggest meetings, activities, trips etc, but most people are happy to leave this couple to do the brunt of the organising.
You said you didn’t like the style of the holiday last year so just leave it as that, you can still be friends with people and not go on the holiday with them.

Sounds like hell to me, I would never have signed up for it in the first place!
Sorry I'm not being very helpful, but I'm sure you can book a very nice, alternative, holiday for yourself and your daughter without bankrupting yourself.

Given everything you've said just book your own holiday. I dont think anybody is being unreasonable or difficult.

I get this has made you feel a bit isolated but that price difference is eye-watering. And you've said it yourself, this is not the type of holiday that you and your daughter enjoy. Please don't waste your money on fitting in with those who seem to be increasingly distant from you. Go somewhere quieter (and cheaper!) that you'll both enjoy. Group dynamics always change I think. It's a bit sad, but maybe you could find a new hobby/group that's more 'your tribe'. Could be an opportunity to branch out.

It's a shame and I'd be miffed too (as a fellow single mum) but can honestly say when I was coupled up I wouldn't really have got it.

Do you only ever meet up in the big group?

I was just thinking that you can always tell people that have never tried to organise a large group because they say things like "I could never leave anyone out because I'm always just thinking about others" and we have:

Somehow it just feels wrong, I think maybe I have a lot of empathy and think about other people and hate the thought of others feeling left out. I approach things differently.

Whereas if you've ever tried to organise a large group you know you can't please everyone.

I suspect some of the group this is ideal. Some it's not their choice but they are happy to go along with it because they have a lot of empathy for the organisers, and know how hard it is, . They also have empathy for the rest of the group - as in understand that things that make it better for them may make it worse for another, so are happy to keep quiet and go along with it.

Just tell them. Sorry we won’t be coming as unaffordable atm. Plan your own holiday.

You and your DD don't like the holidays they like. I'd see it as a positive that you're priced out. You can now chose of holiday for you and DD that you'll actually enjoy.
I don't think your friends have done anything wrong. They offered a solution, you don't like the solution. Maybe they picked up on you and DD nor enjoying the holiday so didn't want to make you feel awkward by pushing too much. Maybe they want to enjoy the holiday they chose instead of worrying about other people's budgets, which is fair. Most people only get one family holiday, they're entitled to have that holiday be one they will enjoy.