Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

Sounds like you are best of out of it!

It's not the right holiday for you. It's too expensive, too flashy and too busy.
If you enjoy spending time with the group (or some of them) then continue to do that in a way that suits you.
But decline the holiday, just say you won't be joining this tine as it's not in your budget.
Then plan with your DD where you actually want to go on holiday that suits you with places to explore and potter about.
If (and it's a big if) they are going to or close to a location you want to visit and it's the sort of place you could drop in and meet them at a beach for the day or for a meal out then you could look into your own accomodation elsewhere. But tbh why limit yourself based on one couple's choice.
If you value the time away then you could be proactive about suggesting an Autumn or Spring get away somewhere that's affordable. It doesn't have to be everyone all the time - that makes it increasingly difficult and can end up not doing as much - a few optional trips that the group can join or not join, can come as singles, couples of families etc might be more low key and appreciated.

I have to say this did bias me against the OP considerably. I have never met anyone who declared themselves to be unusually empathetic and always putting others first who wasn't absolutely awful, so this post made me pretty Team Dominant Couple.

I'm single. If my female friendship group started changing the dynamic into a "couples" group I'd have fucked off and left them all to it long before now. They're not your tribe

The power couple woman sounds annoying and pushy but no one is pushing anyone out. You have just different needs and priorities now. Maybe some FOMO but these things cannot be forced.

Best opt out of this holiday. Go somewhere you and your daughter will enjoy. Review your relationship with this friendship group as it may be time to move away.perhaps retain them as friends but not in the same way.

I would start treating this group as an occasional activities thing and not really a friendship group.

No way I’d drop 4k a single parent myself for a resort holiday with people who don’t even take me into consideration that much. You can have an amazing holiday the two of you for that kind of money.

Yeah this isn’t really about team me against team dominant couple. The reality is I’m feel a bit isolated due to my circumstances which can at times feel really lonely. I’m just in a way venting because I want to be like other people, and I’m not.

And btw, I did actually recommend destinations to start off with and they straight away dismissed them, I would have then looked for hotels. The dominate wife absolutely loves booking holidays, this is her things. She puts spreadsheets together for the holiday, it’s insane. So it’s not really like we’re off loading it to her, she actively WANTS to do it, she take control and then pretty much decides through her spreadsheet that has a whole list of things which need to be included, that this is the hotel we all go to. I’m exhausted even writing this 🤣

You sound super annoyed about the woman, why would you wan to go on holiday with her? Just leave them to it.

You don’t like her. Why would you want to go?

I do like her, but I don’t like her when she books holidays 🤣

Why not pair up with the mum from the « splitting up » couple?

Because it then makes it expensive for the ex husband. He then has the same situation that I’m in which wouldn’t be fair on him. So I think for the holiday they would somehow make it work, maybe separate bedrooms or something to allow space.

There seems to be 3 issues: 1. Do you want to go on this type pf holiday,is it for you? 2. Is this holiday within your budget or not,if not is there a way you can reduce the cost,ie: a different room category,or bringing an extra person? 3. Are the lead couple a deal breaker for you?
I do understand your feelings about wether you are not so welcome now the group focus is couples,im a widow and that threw a spanner in the works of some friendship groups in many respects.
In your circunstances my answers would be 1. No,so 2 and 3 dont matter.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP. I wonder if, in future, if you do enjoy the actual holidays with these friends, maybe you could do a weekend with them but spend the time before or after doing something you prefer. Ie somewhere that you can travel to/from? It might give you a bit of both types of holiday?

It does depend on cost though as it might be annoying to spend the equivalent a your week on the weekend just to join them. I do think group holidays should cater to everyone as far as possible, as a rule. Otherwise what is the point?!

The last holiday we went on, the average each couple paid was around £7k 🫣 They seemed to think this was normal for school holidays when I first challenged the pricing! I’ve always paid around £1,700 to £2k but we stay in 3/4 star hotels which are absolutely fine for us.

No way would I be going away with Holidayzilla, whether I could afford it or not!

I hope you’re okay OP💐

It’s shit and lonely being the only single person in an established friendship group. It can leave you feeling inferior, left out, behind and unable to join in with certain topics of conversation. Many married couples or couples that have been together for years sometimes don’t realise this.

Is this group the only friends you have? If so, I can see how you are hurt and how you would feel like you’re being “left behind” “not as important” and “forgotten”. So your feelings are totally valid.

Or do you have any other friends with children that you can arrange trips with? Or can you go with family? Or just somewhere for quality time with you and your daughter that you will both enjoy.

I’m glad you aren’t putting yourself and your child through financial difficulty just to fit in and on the basis of FOMO (fear of missing out).

I don’t think this group are intentionally “pushing you out”. They would probably be mortified if they found out you felt that way. I think it’s more of a: they are all couples who enjoy the same type of holidays, therefore it’s just more practical and easier for them to organise something that suits the majority.

So as shit as the situation is, please don’t take it to heart. I’m sure there will be plenty future plans where you feel more included and thought about. Why not try and arrange a women and kids day out one day over the summer holidays?

Oh, I thought that this coming holiday was more expensive than the last one hence why you couldn’t afford it? Or is it just more expensive for you somehow?

Op never said that she couldn't afford it. Just that she thought it was unfair she was paying more for her than the others were paying each as a couple.

This time for the couples it’s less expensive but for me it’s more 😥

@Gooselingthank you 😊

I do have other friends, and another friendship group, but we don’t do group holidays together. It’s more days out and we go to each others houses. This group with the dominant couple are the social group which I enjoy being in because they are fun, but the problem is they are perhaps too much at times. So I can move from one group to another to get what I need if that makes sense.

It’s just nice to have company on holiday especially in evening, but I think next year we will go alone because I think it will be easier for us.

I wouldn't go on this holiday. Find one you and your daughter will really love instead.

I think they're entitled to book an expensive holiday if they want to. Is it that you think the sharing of costs is unfair or are you all paying separately for your own accommodation. Whatever it is it just isn't working for you so time to make different plans or pay the extra.