Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

I wouldn’t say they are bullies, they feels a bit strong. I would say they are over powering and dominant though. It’s all about fun, booking the next holiday and drinking. I’m just wired a bit differently. Thanks everyone for your comments, I know you’re right x

I'm a single parent too and it simply does have implications in terms of extra costs, feeling a bit out of the loop with couples, etc. Those are no ones fault and it's not up to my friends to equalise things. I am not that special or important. I don't do that many couple oriented things anyway, it's not my scene. My advice is to accept that your life circumstances ARE different, and just mix it up AND do your own thing more. There's a whole world out there outside of bloody holiday resorts. My daughter and I went interrailing this summer for 3 weeks and it was absolutely fantastic. We spent 4k at least but we saw and did so much and both came back closer and feeling great about our place in the world. I didn't once wish there were other people with us.

TBVH i would just say i cant do the holiday.
And then id book something for me and my child that we both like for a change.

You don't seem to actually want to go on the holiday, you just them to be sadder that you're not going? You clearly don't like this couple and think you're better than them, so I'm not shocked that they don't think you attending is a vital part of a holiday.

if I was in organising the holiday I would make sure everyone was included and not feel left out.

Do that then.

I think you're way beyond unreasonable. You clearly hate the so called dominant couple so I don't know why you want to go on holiday with them.

They found a holiday they wanted to go on and they invited others to go. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way they did that at all and it's not their fault your cost is higher because you're a single adult. That's also likely to be the case wherever you go.

You just seem to be looking for a pity party when nobody has done anything remotely wrong to you.

Absolutely this.

Also (gently, but just to offer another perspective....)

You made the friend sound like a Type A nightmare, but to be honest I wouldn't underestimate how much she's already doing to get the holiday to happen in the first place for everyone. And then I bet she's getting loads of "whataboutme" isms! I planned my own destination wedding, and it was like herding bloody cats, so I can imagine she may just not have much bandwidth for an issue that doesn't really appear to be an issue on her side, you know?

But again, as people said - this holiday isn't your cup of tea anyway!

I'd quietly back out, and leave them to it..i suspect if dominant couple as annoying as you suggest theyll be fallings out or evolving friendships anyway.... Id decline on cost so its clear why, but keep it light and breezy (sorry guys, bit priced out this time for me and dd, but hope you all have a fab time, and hopefully next year we'll be able to mske it!) - you might find others duck out too?

…..”it’s largely driven by the dominant couple in the group and no one can be bothered to challenge it 🤣 so they just pay and book”………… Actually, they all sound rather false and shallow and of the mind to be seen in all the right places with all the right people. Book your own holiday OP on a budget that you can afford doing things that your and DD like to do rather than being a square peg in a very materialistic, and false round hole!

When you're a single mother and your friends are all in couples, you do often get pushed to the sidelines. I don't think it's conscious or deliberate. People with similar lifestyles tend to stick together. Many of my coupled friends gradually dropped me after my husband and I separated. I just didn't fit in with the kinds holidays and dinner parties they wanted. The new friends I made subsequently are people who don't feel uncomfortable befriending a single woman.

But this year I’m trying to actually have some say eg price and the one thing I’ve asked for hasn’t been included in the mix

What is the one thing you've asked for? If it's 'lower price for me without any change in what I get' then I just don't think that's realistic, sorry.

Can you share a family room with the other parent who is separating to reduce cost if you do want to go?

'whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches' - here, this - I totally agree with you and for people who would prefer that, a horde with couples is the ruination of it all. You can holiday happily with your daughter, why do you need the whole troupe or camp to drag along? Go on your own and enjoy it with your daughter - soon she will grow up and won't want to holiday with you, and you can go back and join that commune or whatever it is called.

I think that's a slightly weird way to look at the cost - if me, DH and the kids go away the cost is for the family, I don't tot it up per person as I don't "pay" my bit and he pays his, it just gets paid from the family pot. So I wouldn't necessarily look at that being "split" for a couple.

Just book a holiday for you and your daughter that you will actually enjoy.
This seems more coupled & family based holiday.

I also don’t understand why you are breaking up the cost per household. Later in a comment you mentioned they would be £5k spend & yours would be £4k.

We are all on different life paths, take your own path & see where you end up. You might find yourself looking at another single adult taking their child on your exact same holiday.
Don’t let FOMO doom you.

The last holiday we went on nearly gave everyone a mental breakdown, she send maybe a thousand WhatsApp messages expected people to jump onto teams meeting in the evening. It was properly stressful. She’s starting to do it all again 🫣 She sort of just becomes single minded and forgets about other people in the process.

Sod that - life's too short for bossy sergeant major figures!

I wouldn’t go . Go where you and your child will enjoy.

Are the ‘bossy’ couple just very organised, has anybody else including yourself volunteered to organise the holiday thus finessing it more towards a different style of holiday that you would prefer?

That type of activity can be quite the undertaking and is sometimes a thankless task.

Honestly I wouldn't want to go away with a massive group especially when you've said you don't enjoy that style of trip anyway. Just leave them to it and book a trip with your daughter - you'll still have a great time!

It sound as though the power couple have picked a holiday that they like and opened it up and suggested that others come along. And they've taken over organising to make sure it is exactly to their liking. Rather than it being genuinely a holiday to get everyone together.

Does it help to think about it like that and just say that it's not your sort of thing (and maybe you could all hire an AirBnB for a weekend in November for a different sort of break away)? For what it's worth, unless you are moving in very affluent circles, I can't imagine anyone paying £5K for a holiday that they aren't 100% keen on, so you may find that other people drop out once you set a precedent.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It’s not that deep. Circumstances change and adult friendships evolve alongside and some don’t survive the changes. That’s it really.

If you and DD prefer quiet holidays then do that. Let the others do as they want. 👍

I don’t think it’s possible to make sure everyone feels included, because as soon as one person wants something different they feel excluded if that thing doesn’t happen. These things have to be a bit majority rule or it would never happen because you can’t meet everyone’s competing needs, wants and wishes. That’s not about being malicious, or not caring it’s the practicality of trying to get everyone in the same place at the same time. I’m guessing that if others couldn’t afford it they’d simply not go. Others will really appreciate having the leg work done for them - they might pay a bit more than they necessarily want to but they haven’t had to spend their time doing the research so will accept the quirks of the person who did.

Could you just be honest with the organizer and explain that you are feeling less important to the group now that it’s more couple focused? Tell her that you can’t afford this specific holiday and suggest others? If she knew how you were feeling maybe she would budge on the trip.

If not, who cares if you have to miss one trip. You can still be friends and not go on the trip.

I always think it’s weird to throw away a perfectly good group of friends without talking to them first about how you are feeling. People can’t read minds.

The group has changed, partners are involved, everyone is a bit older. It was lovely for a long time but not at the moment so time to move on at least as far as the big holidays go. Maybe the mum who is divorcing will want to join you on a cheaper holiday next year.