Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

Maybe next year you and some of the others get together and plan a holiday together and then invite the power couple and if they do not like then they do not have to come. However I do think that you are going to accept that holidays are going to be a lot more expensive for you regardless.

I know you feel excluded by the power couple, but if someone who occasionally organises things like this, it becomes unmanageable if you give people loads of choices. As long as most people are in agreement sometimes you just have to power through or it just never happens. It does seem like the rest of the group are happy enough. You may just have to give this one to miss.

I don’t think I’m being spoilt at all, if I was spoilt I would have the whole thing my way. I went on a group holiday last year because I wanted to go away with friends and so my daughter to have friends to play with, the hotel itself was beautiful but massive and not the sort of place I would normally choose, but I went because I wanted to be with my friends. I said I was flexible and happy to go along to join in the fun. But this year I’m trying to actually have some say eg price and the one thing I’ve asked for hasn’t been included in the mix. That’s my main issue, I have zero voice in the group at all.

You sound like you really don't like this power couple. Perhaps they've picked up on your vibes?

Organizing a holiday for a large group of people is actually really, really difficult, just so you know. I think you're being a tiny bit unfair.

A large resort sounds awful to me aswell so take joy from the fact this holiday doesnt work for you and that gives you freedom to book one that does.

Think its a rare situation for a group of ppl on different circumstances to agree on a holiday.

I find it hard enough to book one for me, dh and 2 dc that we'd all be happy with.

You may find that if you pull out others may also rethink going.

If the ‘power couple’ were such a nightmare last year, how come everyone’s happy to let them organise again? I think it’s clear you want to blame them, but you are deluding yourself that people are just going long with it.

Even though last year was more manageable financially, it was “less me but I was ok with it”. And this year the gap is wider. As a PP said, it sounds as though life has moved on. I appreciate that must suck, but sometimes life just does move on. In all kinds of ways, even though we don’t want it to.

It's a lot of work to organise a group holiday. And v difficult to find a option that's perfect for everyone

Instead of moaning about "the power couple" why don't you come up with an alternative suggestion?

I think you’re being unfair to the “power couple”.

It’s really hard organising a group trip. If they have managed to land on something that suits the majority, it doesn’t surprise me that they don’t particularly want to look at other options.

You could have been the one to organise the trip and then you would have had far more control over the options.

I think how you feel about the price is also informed by the fact that this isn’t the type of holiday/hotel you would choose if price weren’t an issue.

For all the other attendees, they love this type of resort so they are more than happy to fork out the £5k for a resort they’ll love and to have their kids entertained with all their friends. For you, the only benefit is to have your DD with her friends which makes £4K tough to swallow.

I/we go on group holidays occasionally. Over the years I have learned which of my friends that works well with and which it doesn’t. I’m still very good friends with those who I have decided to never travel with again though.

I think you're being unreasonable. A large group shouldn't have to change their plans because one person can't make the finances work; as hard as that is on you.

@NorthSouthEastthis is EXACTLY how I feel! Wow, you literally couldn’t have articulated it any better!! It’s so nice to know it’s not just me to feels like that.

Somehow it just feels wrong, I think maybe I have a lot of empathy and think about other people and hate the thought of others feeling left out. I approach things differently. The power couple simply don’t seem to think that way.

Being friends doesn't mean that you have to holiday together as a big group - I personally can't think of anything worst, even if our holiday ideas meshed. Just say its not for you, and book whatever holiday you want with your daughter. If the group dynamic is changing, perhaps its time to focus on different friendships. If these are your only friends, then it's probably time to create some new ones.

I think you shouldn't go on the holiday - it's a lot to spend and it isn't even your first choice of holiday - but try not to let it stop you being friends with this group. After all most friendship groups don't go on holiday together. Say a polite no thanks to the holiday but carry on with the friendships.

But "Price" pretty much dictates location, holiday length, board, timings etc.

You want the holiday that best suits you, and for everyone else to compromise in order for you to get that. You seem to think that compromise is for others to do, whilst being completely unwilling to compromise yourself.

There's loads of ways you could compromise to make this trip more affordable for you, which ones are you prepared to do?

The problem is that you're too empathetic and the power couple is too mean and are leaving you out?

And nothing to do with the fact that everyone else is happy with this option and you are not?

Ok. Yabu.

You can’t control this situation, and it sounds like you will have a better time holidaying separately.

What I would do is ask if a separate group chat could be set up for those going on the trip, as that will make it easier for everyone to find relevant info as time passes, without wading through the regular chat.

It sounds like FOMO to me because it's not the kind of holiday you would choose to do anyway. Could you book something different nearby so you and your daughter could go over and spend some time with the group, but also have some time to do the things you want to do together? Perhaps there could be an excursion you could all do and meals out together as well as some beach days so the kids can play. I know that sounds like a compromise but if these are your chose friends - and DD's friends too - it would be nice to share some holiday memories whilst also getting the holiday that you want.

But you said in your OP that everyone was keen on this resort that has been chosen?

Wherever you go, you’ll be paying more pp than other adults who are sharing a room.

You can’t expect everyone to downgrade their holiday so that you can afford it. That’s not really very fair.

When organising a holiday/ weekend away etc that involves multiple people, it's generally quite normal for those who like the sound of it to go and those who don't, to just decline.
If everyone decides they want input, it can become difficult for the organiser to meet everyone's needs.
Just let them know you won't be going on this holiday. I've declined lots of things over the years with friends because it didn't suit me. That was the end of the story.
So I think this must be about more than just the holiday.

You do sound like you want everyone (who appears happy) to compromise for you. As a single parent unfortunately these things often work out more. If I’m paying 5k I want a nice hotel and facilities. If you can find an option that’s the same standard but cheaper then present that to the group.

@Minnie798I think you’re right, it’s the feeling of being excluded over a number of months. So it hits harder for me. This sort of feels like a weird symbolic final nail in the coffin if that makes sense.

Friendships change and life goes on. I would find a nice holiday for you and your daughter. Holidays are costly and it's wiser to spend your money on a holiday you'll both enjoy. I too would hate big resort holidays. I travel frequently on my own with my kids and we do what we want.

It is hard, but I think you breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to be swept along by this (bullying?!) power couple anymore!
Maybe talk to the divorcing couple about possibly doing something more suitable/low key with the mum and children. This might help her out, as well as you!

Just don't go this time. If you are feeling bad about the costs, it won't get better. Time to politely decline this year and book your own holiday sign your daughter where you are completely in charge of the budget

This holiday is not for you and that is okay.

However, you sound like you are hurt and risk scorching the earth, but there is nothing to really be hurt about. The friendship dynamic has shifted to being centred on couples. It does not make anybody a bad person but rather is the way of life, situations organically grow and change. It is like being angry at a tree for growing outside your house and blocking your view.

You need a different holiday option, not them. They aren't going to fix something that is not broken for them. This is a nice friendship group that you value and includes you in any activity you want join in on, but no you are not the centre of it where your needs are prioritised. Very few of us have a circle of friends that adapts entirely to our needs - and it is entirely unreasonable to expect it.