Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

Could you share with the other woman who is currently separating from her husband?

You are paying less, the per adult cost analysis is irrelevant. You either go or not given everyone else is happy.

I’ve missed a holiday before with my family. It was 6k all inclusive and we didn’t have the money but I also just wasn’t that bothered as I don’t like those types of holidays.

The main organisers then set up a separate WhatsApp which was great as I didn’t have to hear all the planning.

We are all still friends and we’ve been on other, more low key breaks with them :-)

I don’t think you need to go on holiday with someone to remain friends , I’ve never been on holiday with any of my friends . Just book your own holiday .

The overbearingness of the organiser is telling you something OP! Get out while you still can! I totally get this. Sounds like the group might be running its course, maybe fade them while reaching out to others with more similar interests and budgets, and people that listen to you and care about your situation. Maybe some of the group might like to go on a holiday of your suggestion next? Put it to them and it there is tumbleweed, move on xxxx

You’ll find this more and more as a single parent. Everything costs more when you compare it to couples - every sports tour where you need a caravan, every holiday etc. sadly it’s just part of life. I just wouldn’t go if you don’t want to spend the money. I wouldn’t pay £4k to holiday like that but I realise it’s a v personal decision!

OP, how are you prepared to compromise?
Share with a friend?
Go for a shorter time?
Choose a cheaper board basis?
Choose cheaper flight times?

It sounds like you think the others should compomise to suit you, but you won't consider compromising yourself.

Bail out of this group and pursue your individual friendships. I suspect once you do others will follow. No collective will put up with a thousand messages, teams meeting demands, excess costs etc for very long. People are grumbling in the privacy of their own homes already, you just don’t know it.

You’d already decided that the big resort-type holidays weren’t really your thing, so rather than trying to get others to compromise, say that you’ve decided not to come this year, finances are a bit tricky and DD has been talking about wanting to go to X destination so you’re going to focus on making that happen instead.

As other posters have said, if you don’t really get on with one of the couples then focus more on friendships with those you do get on well with, rather than everything having to be with the larger group. As your DC all get older, there will be a lot more of the families opting out of the big annual group holiday and group events because it doesn’t fit with their plans or because the DC’s friendships change and they’re no longer much interested in spending time with all of the others.

Is it a fear of missing out or not sharing experiences with the group? Because it doesn’t sound like you actually enjoy the same type of holiday. The reality is £5k is a lot of money to pay for something that doesn’t suit you perfectly, you could get an amazing holiday for far less.

If the main couple don’t want to change things, and it doesn’t suit you I’d just message the group saying you have other plans this year - then sit back and watch the drama, demands for Teams calls etc and giggle into your wine.

Maintain separate relationships with people in the group who bring you joy, you may find the whole big group holiday fades away as people get fed up with being told how to spend their hard earned cash.

if all the group have decided they like the resort and will pay it then there’s nothing. You can do sadly. Is there an option of a cheaper resort nearby you could do ?

Well it sounds like it ain’t your type of holiday anyway. It’s fine to opt out. I think you are taking it personally though, they are prepared to fork out a huge amount for a holiday, they would probably go to anyway if they weren’t friends. Don’t makes sense they do it together.
I wouldn’t want to spend 2 weeks on a holiday that wasn’t what I wanted. If I could find someone who wants the same holiday that’s great, but neither you or they need to sacrifice their yearly holiday to satisfy someone else’s desires of what a good holiday is, it just so happens that these couples agree on what their perfect holiday would be like and you aren’t in agreement.

This ^

So it’s costing them £5,000 per room for 2 adults and yours is £4,000. It’s because it’s per room, that’s standard. You could bring a friend and child to split the cost? What about the couple splitting up, could they share with you?

I don’t actually think a lot of the other couples are that bothered by the standard of the hotel, it’s largely driven by the dominant couple in the group and no one can be bothered to challenge it 🤣 so they just pay and book

Sorry, I just don’t buy this. As much as the organiser sounds like my worst nightmare, no one is forking out 5 grand for a holiday or hotel they’re not really bothered about. I understand that you’re feeling pushed out as the group has become more couple-centred but it would seem that the majority are happy with this dynamic. A solution was suggested to you which you rebuffed and it’s not reasonable to expect plans to change because of one person when they suit everyone else.

If it was me and I really wanted it go I’d try to find more affordable accommodation and then meet up with the group for some activities, beach days, meals out etc. So you’d still be involved but also be able to have 1:1 time with your DD.

I think you should just give it a miss this time. If you are going to bring another friend then you might as well book a holiday that you actually want to go on with that friend instead of getting her to join this one that you don't really enjoy.

People in couples always say "go with a friend" as though it's really simple. Friends are generally part of couples and families and are doing their own holidays. It can be really soul destroying as a single

On the other hand OP, the whole thing does sound awful!

Why does the compromise have to come from everyone else’s side that are happy with the location and cost? Although they did offer you a compromise that was to bring a friend along to make it cheaper for you.
What about the couple that’s splitting? Would one of them like to share with you?
Or could you book your own hotel one that’s a bit cheaper?

Everything is more expensive when you are a one income household, but if everyone else wants this holiday/resort you will have to compromise. You can’t expect everyone else to compromise for one family.

I’m sorry your upset OP and I can see why you feel
excluded… but honestly I’d be glad to escape that and I think in your heart you feel that way too. Why pay for a full on restart style holiday when you like doing different things? Plan your own break with DD and forget their madness of WhatsApp and teams!

People keep asking about the couple who are splitting up and whether you could share with them, is that an option ?

Sympathies OP, I empathise with where you are coming from.

Similar here, I was partially the instigator setting up a little group, but as the only singleton, I now just happily choose to dip in and out when it suits. Always welcomed though.

I listen and quietly observe that even in the happy (holiday) group there are still frustrations, some struggle with different preferences, character traits and so on - so I don’t see it as a cohesive group of couples Vs me as a sole - I just see it as every individual being different, I don't take anything they do personally.

It’s liberating so just say “no”to the things that don’t suit you (busy resort for them - vs rock pool, greenery, silence and quiet scenery - for me)

And be happy also with your own choices (eg you could “choose” to spend 5k like that, (but like me I guess), you can “choose” not to do that.
(that would get me 5 lovely weeks somewhere)

I imagine it can feel a bit hurtful to feel inadvertently excluded (price/preference of resort-wise) but it's nobody's fault. I would just reply in a breezy way that it sounds good but you've decided to go away with just your dd next year, but you hope they have a great time.

The couple who are splitting up are also struggling financially so I’m not sure if it will even work for them. So it’s not just me which is the problem. And the only people who are set on the holiday are the power couple, no one has actually discussed other options because we haven’t been given any, if I suggest anything it immediately wouldn’t be included. I suggested Croatia and that got a big fat no 🤣

I think a lot of you are right, I need to just not go next year. I think I’m going to go somewhere with a bit more culture and squeeze in a weekend city trip as well. For that price I can do a lot more!

Its definitely helped talking it through. I definitely didn’t expect the group to change their decision on behalf of me, it’s just no other options were ever offered which I found excluded me from the start. The power couple decided this was the hotel!

I think OP you are overthinking this a little. You have options.

1. Go and pay the price
2. Ask another friend to join you and dd
3. as other PP have suggested is it an option for the other mum in the group who is separating to join to make the cost cheaper for you both?
4. Could you book another hotel in the vicinity that would be more in budget and arrange to meet up with your friends? You seem to mention you would rather a quieter holiday anyway....
5. Don't go and do your own thing with DD.

I actually think the main issue here is your problem with the organising couple tbh and you're coming across as quite spoilt and like they should all be pleasing you..... this is the issue with group holidays and the very reason I will not book a holiday with friends again whilst my DC are joining us.

Ah mate this is tough for you but sometimes in your situation as a single person in a group of couples (I’ve been there too) you have to stand back and have a good long think about what works for you, what your lines and boundaries are - and sometimes you need to apply a bit of tough love to yourself and decide what you’ll take and bring to a group and what you won’t do.

When you’re in a mum and kid group it’s fine but trying to be part of the couples group, you’ll always be on the outside, outnumbered, bit of a third wheel. Shouting to be heard and never really being seen. My personal experience - I realised that half the husbands in my mums group weren’t interested in speaking to me as I didn’t come with a bloke attached, so had no value. They met up lots for separate couple/ family events so my kid and I were a bit on the outside all the time anyway. They had two pairs of hands so could tag team with kids but I was always on kid-duty. They sometimes offered to take mine and give me a break but then I’d feel guilty if I didn’t reciprocate properly. In the end I decided to join in with the mums-only stuff and didn’t bother with the couple get togethers, it wasn’t worth how it made me feel.

Of course none of the above may apply but from what you’ve said -

It’s not your type of holiday
It costs too much
You and your DD prefer other activities
The woman organising it sounds like a nightmare.

What’s in it for you exactly??!