Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

You start this off with your Having very different holiday styles- just don't go, stay in contact if you like, but friendships often ebb, it's natural.

This.
You have other stuff going on with your Dad, so you should have the kind of holiday you like and need. Politely decline, say it is a bit too expensive for you and anyone in the group who has any emotional intelligence will think twice next time, if there is a next time.

Isn't all this a good reason to sit out this trip especially given you a dmit that's not your holiday style anyway??? So why spend £4k for a holiday you don't enjoy and have to deal with all the drama and stress?

And yes it seems you are now at different life stages and priorities with the group and things may start to fizzle out. It doesn't mean you cut them off or never see them again but you can start to wean off.

Good for you @Cherryblossom200 ! I shall picture you and your DD drumming away. May I suggest some good drumming playlists on Spotify? 😂

Also... if you are in planning stage, I always used something like Rough Guides to get a general idea.. (saved us money and time in Rome) but there is so much online (Tik Tok is actually quite good on this if you can sift out the gems. ) that you can really find interesting stuff... so you can enjoy all the planning with your DD too

Have a great time!

Thanks @DuckbilledSplatterPuff☺️

@Cherryblossom200

I think you had your solution in your first post, and @NorthSouthEast summarised it very well too.

Love it!!

Have a great trip with your DD doing what you actually want to do!

Could you book cheaper accommodation close by?

RTFT

Or could you run a mile from the whole idea 😂

No it was the booking of the holiday which almost gave the group a mental breakdown ☺️ mainly by the organiser!

The holiday itself was lovely, but the resort was massive so you felt you were doing a marathon most days just to get around. We all got along fine, the women would tend to eat altogether and the men altogether which was nice. But we all tended to eat together (by choice) and evenings just didn’t feel relaxed as we were all getting ready for a certain time, then watched the entertainment so most evenings we didn’t get back to our took until past midnight. Every day drinks round the pool from lunchtime. I wanted to join in, and drank when I felt like it. But there still was an element of couples on holiday which I found hard, and my social battery ran out mid holiday. I was beyond exhausted.

I’ve come to my decision, that we will do our own thing next year. I’m over explaining why, because it just feels like it stirs up emotions I want to now distance myself from now. I’m dancing to the beat of my drum, living my life the way I want to off to explore the world with my little girl and that’s my focus now ☺️ x

Well done, and just keep the group on the back burner for now.

Good choice. Hope you and DD have a fabulous time.

Great plan! I mainly go away just me and my son, and we love it that way. We get to go where we want and do what suits us. Occasionally we might do something with friends or family, but that's really the exception to the rule.

Good for you!!! Honestly you won't regret it. That holiday last year sounded absolutely exhausting. I'm surprised you didn't need another holiday afterwards to recover! I wish you well and a lovely time OP.

Thanks everyone 😊 I think this has helped me to remind myself who I am. And see the world is an important part of who I am. I want to instill that in my daughter. So I’m thinking of taking us on the Eurostar next year to Paris, and then to perhaps Kefalonia or one of the smaller Greek islands with pretty fishing villages. I want to avoid the tourist parts. But have enough to do for my daughter as well so she can ideally play with other children as well.

Great.

But just a note - empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes and imagining how you would feel if you were them living their life and imagining why they would make decisions based on that

Empathy isn't 'well if it was ME, I'd do this'.

That's self-centeredness. Putting yourself in YOUR shoes and what YOU would do.

That's an important mistake lots of passive-aggressive self-proclaimed 'empathetic' people make when they're actually making the situation about themselves rather than being empathetic.

Well, you are a little, not in the sense that you can't handle yourself, but that you are still expecting them to collaborate as if you were all there without partners.

It's natural that this feels wrong to you. At the same time, solo - style socialisation probably feels stuffy to your friend. She's in couples mode.

You were probably there for the budget conversation. It was probably at the last holiday. It would have felt vague and breezy to you, and probably passed by unnoticed, because you were expecting girls - style discussion.

It's the same with your friend not inviting you to join them with the other couple at the school thing. I may be wrong, but putting myself in her shoes, I can imagine doing this unintentionally. If I've got my partner and another couple present, I'm already flat out navigating those interactions. If you aren't right in front of me, I assume you aren't interested.

It's just hard work when you are socialising in different modes. It does not mean that they don't value you, but from your perspective it will be exhausting, and breaks from it are a good idea.

As others have said stay out of this. Not your problem to sort out squabbling children and fractious mums. A nightmare. Nod wisely and say something vague like 'children eh' and big sigh then change the subject. Avoid further trips with them!

All friendship groups established around children/schools change over time as circumstances change.
I would just accept that you're not going and arrange something lovely for the pair of you.
Just say you're sorry to have missed it on this occasion and wish them an enjoyable time. Leave it at that and see afterwards what transpires moving forward. It will show you who intends to maintain contact and values your friendship.
A group like that won't change arrangements to suit one person.