Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

Do not marry this man.

Leave today OP. Just take a bag. Can you stay with family? Tell them and friends everything now. Don’t put it off. If he realises you’re clocking that he’s letting the mask slip he will go back and being sweetness and light. If you marry him you will be marrying an abuser. Things will get much worse, not better. It’s not just wedding stress.

Get out before you get married. It’s well and good having a row but wishing your fiancé dead it next level.

He’s testing to see what he can get away with. Can he say the very worst thing and get away with it. Next it will be playful taps and you don’t want to know how that ends.

If you feel that you haven’t got enough confidence to leave, and I really hope you do OP then please read Why Does He Do That.

Sorry I’ve posted again as my last post is missing a paragraph and the edit facility doesn’t seem to be working properly this morning.

As well as reading Why Does He Do That, I’d also recommend doing this quiz from Women’s Aid.

I do agree with the poster who said that he thinks he has you trapped now and the mask is well and truly slipping. What you’re experiencing now is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg.

Around 60 to 70 Women in the UK are killed by their partner or ex each year in the UK, please don’t be part of those statistics. He is showing you clearly now just who he is.

And @SylvaniankittenI think getting counselling as a PP suggested is a really good idea. I have ADHD and I’m actually quite upset that you think that this behaviour is normal for someone with ADHD and not only normal but acceptable.

I would never, ever say anything like this to be DH, it is horrendous.

There are so many things you can do to try and regulate with ADHD. What does your DP/DH do to try and ensure that he doesn’t have these awful outbursts?

You are very, very lucky that you clearly have no idea how domestic abuse works. They mix in a TON of absolute loveliness in between these times.

Yes, just adding to my comment above where I said that DH and DC would never say those words to me ever, no matter how difficult life has been - we are all AuDHD. My eldest has co morbid MH issues with her ADHD that have made life very stressful - but even she has never said those words. And if she ever did, my DH would support me in making her leave - we’d get social services involved to find her accommodation, but she would go.

There is NO EXCUSE ever for what your fiancé has said. It wasn’t excusable or understandable when my mother used to say it (in fact she regularly told me that if retrospective abortion was ever legalised she’d be at the front of the queue with me in tow). I am finally having counselling to process her words 40 years later because I tried to explain her away, to say ‘she couldn't help it’.

The damage is there regardless of what ‘excuse’ you may give for fiancés behaviour - please leave and have some therapy so you can put it behind you.

Wow you M sounds fucking horrendous and I’m truly sorry for the damage she will have caused. So glad that you’re having Counselling now and hope it is helping you to try and process what you went through.

Having a household what you are all AuDHD must be difficult especially if your DD has MH issues as well. I think you are doing really well to maintain boundaries and just cope

@Luna98just wanted to add that whilst you are wondering whether or not to go through with the Wedding, please make sure that you’re contraception is 100%. Being PG and having a new LO can really escalate DV and then you’ve got the added complication of being tied to him through your DC forever.

As someone who called off a wedding a few months before it was due to go ahead in my 20s, I can tell you it’s firmly up there with one of the best decisions I’ve ever made 20 odd years later.

My partner wasn’t even abusive, we just weren’t right for each other, but once you do it, the relief you feel will be immense.

Don’t worry what anyone thinks. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. I would recommend speaking to the venue first and they will give you advice on how to deal with things like photographers, etc.

You’ll obviously lose some money on deposits, but it’s just money and your life, safety and happiness are so much more important.

Your fiancé is an abusive prick who will just get worse. You shouldn’t have to lose friendships because of his insecurities. There are honestly fewer things these days that give me the ick more than an insecure, jealous man.

Exactly this. Please read the analogy about the boiling frog

This. Every word. It's who people are when angry/stressed that matters!!! Anyone can be nice when everything's going their way. Raise your bar, please. I didn't and wish I had. Now in my fifties with a LOT of damage to myself and my dds from an abusive twat who can still be lovely some of the time. Run.

Thank you - she was toxic. Unbelievably so, I now realise as I raise my own DC. It has made me realise just how much I tried to excuse her, explain away her behaviour.

I love the quote on another thread above about it not being a woman’s job to diagnose a man’s disinterest. Similarly I think it’s not a victim of abuse’s role to diagnose and understand their abuser’s MH issues. This doesn’t undo the damage but instead centres the abuser when the victim - in this case the @Luna98 - should be prioritising herself, her needs and her safety. It’s a result of the #bekind, be empathetic, be compassionate social movement that especially expects women to subordinate their needs.

I really hope that OP finds the support she needs IRL to walk away from this man, even though I know with a house and wedding in place that will seem so very very hard.

This. All of it. Now he thinks you are trapped his true personality is coming out.

@Luna98 how are you , have you decided what to do?
I agree with other posters he is only just getting started and this is as he feels safe to do so as you are “trapped”

I have just left a man like this. He could be absolutely lovely, so supportive and encouraging but cross him and this other side was revealed. In anger he said the most appalling things which are impossible to forget.. and then would behave as if nothing had happened.
Please don't marry this man. He has shown you who he really is. Believe him because it will happen again and again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He feels he's got you snared now so he's willing to show you more of what he's really like. I would be telling family ASAP and ending things. You might want to contact Women's Aid if you need help to leave the relationship safely

This is highly controlling behaviour. He is showing you his true colours and I bet he thinks you won't call off the wedding as its too close. This is how abuse starts... he is already trying to separate you from your friends by telling you he doesn't trust you. This will turn much worse. Please run !!!

Hit the road and don't look back!

You do know you have to get out of this relationship.

people are not being melodramatic when they tell you he’s abusing you and it will only ever get worse.

i promise you that this is all true, this is your chance to save yourself a lifetime of suffering.

you have your whole life ahead of you. If you stay with him you could end up in danger. Even lose your life to him.

you sit your family down and take a deep breath and tell them what you told us. Tell them that you don’t want to live like this anymore and you’re ending the relationship

do not allow ANYONE to talk you out of this.

Is there somewhere safe for you to go to when you tell your fiancé it’s over? You need to get all your friends onside too, ask them to help you stay out and stay safe.

Sounds like an EX-fiancé to me.

OP I'm getting quite concerned now as you haven't updated for a couple of days now. Please let us know you're ok 💐

You may feel disappointed and understandably upset with only a month until your wedding. But luckily you are not yet married to him. He sounds controlling and abusive under no circumstances marry him thankfully you are young and single run for the hills!

I’m hoping that you’re ok too @Luna98.