Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

Why did that not read my now ex fiance says he wishes I was dead?
when someone lets slip who they really are, believe them.

Yes it's hard to call it off but much harder to get married and then divorced. Family and friends will get over it and so will you.

DON'T MARRY THIS CREEP

I couldn't stay with someone who said this to me, even just once in an argument. In my younger days,I was pretty hot-tempered (I have mellowed with age!) and I sure I said some pretty horrible things during arguments with my other half. But I can say with all honesty,I never ever said I wished they dead.

I’d be ending this relationship. What an unforgivable thing to say.

It will seem daunting to call off the wedding.

But it will be MUCH WORSE if you get married to this man. Mumsnetters will be here to hold your hand as you take steps towards a much better future. Please do not marry this man, OP.

Red flags galore. I’m so sorry, but this would be just the beginning. Hard though it might be, don’t worry about what any family might think - they aren’t the ones who would be married to him.

For him to say “I hate you, I wish you would die” to the person he supposedly loves is unbelievable and unacceptable. No, do not stay with this man, there is someone so much better out there for you, someone who will respect you, love you and never dream of saying “I wish you would die”.

Yes, you’ve bought a house together, but it can be sold, as can the furniture. You will be faced with years of unhappiness if you go ahead with the wedding, so call a halt to now, because he won’t change - his true colours are now shining through. Get out whilst you can would be my advice.

OP you are 27, you have no kids with this man. I beg of you go and speak to your parents. Jesus it will be hard but if you were my daughter I would wrap you up and not give too shits about a cancelled wedding. If you don’t you are kicking your problems done the road where there could be even more complications if you had children, that leaves you tied to this man in some way to the day you die. Please be very very brave and end this now.

@Luna98
He hates you with a curdled contempt
Leave him.

And you still call him your fiance? Give him his engagement ring back and tell him to fuck off! Do not marry him!

Please, please don’t marry this man.

Your family will understand and the house can be sold.

Marrying him is not the easy option here. If he’s like this before the wedding he has the potential to kill you once you’re alone and together.

I’ve been with my DH for over 25 years. He’s raised his voice, not even shouted, maybe 3 times and he’s never once said anything as awful as that to me.

Do not waste any more of your precious youth with him. You have the potential to find someone who will treat you as though they do actually love you and mean it.

He is a complete arsehole. Nobody who loves you speaks like that.

Just dump him and run.

It's so easy to get married and much harder to get divorced. This man doesn't sound very nice in so many ways. I am sure your parents would rather listen to what you have told us here and help cancel everything now than have to collect you from home or hospital because you have been assaulted.
Good luck with having that conversation with them sooner rather than later.

As a person who has unknowingly married into a family of ADHDers. i think he didn't really mean it but very likely he could be neurodivergent.

For your reference, I have heard my husband told me he wished I was dead countless times. Is he a good person in general, yes; but his anger issues can really grind me off. And I am in constant battle to remind him to be respectful.

Back to your fiancé, he will cry and beg you not to leave him if you call off the wedding, Or he will threaten you. Either way, you have to make a choice whether you would like to live with a man like him, the same argument will appear again and again, he would also start saying more hurtful things as the intense love fades away due to having children and living together for long. It's how his brain works and he will not change a lot, ask yourself if you can bear with it.

Having said that, no one is perfect. If that's okay with you. Then, it's fine.

if you decide to call off the marriage, you have to be vigilant as people with anger issues can do extreme things. Avoid being with him alone and change your door lock, and let every family member be wary of him even though he behaves in amicable manner.

Sorry you have to go through this, giving you lots of hugs.

@Sylvaniankitten I’m afraid your empathy for your husband (which is misplaced) is clouding your judgement of where boundaries should be drawn. There is NO EXCUSE for abuse and ADHD is certainly nowhere near one. Plenty people have adhd that are not nasty bastards. Please seek counselling, I say this from experience, to take your blinkers off. This is never, NEVER “fine”

I have ADHD and so does my brother. Neither of us has ever said anything like that to our partners. Mine said it to me, though.

Mission creep: now he says this evil things. Later on when you stay with him longer, he will get drunk and act on it. Then you will be on the news as a murder victim.

No way! Leave ASAP!

People say bad things in arguments, but wishing someone dead is a huge red flag. I don’t even think my school bullies would have told me that. Even if he never intends to physically harm you, the comment shows that he cannot control himself. You don’t want to be married and depending on him for support.

I hope you have listened to all the words of wisdom on this thread. It can suck a lot to start again in your late 20s, but it is so much better to know that you can live your life in peace. You also have more than enough time to meet someone else and have a family with them.

No. Just no. Having an outburst can be caused by ADHD. Failing to apologise or take action to ensure it doesn't happen again are not caused by ADHD. Being controlling about you going out alone and what you wear are abusive behaviours, not ADHD.

Absolutely agree with this comment, he's got his feet under the table, and is starting to show you what he's really like. Sell up and don't marry him OP.

OMG, exactly this 👆🏻
This happened to me (although he didn't say he wished I was dead. It was more subtle...but just as damaging over time. I kind of wished he'd said that as it might have opened my eyes to the abuse earlier ..?)

Why are you with this abusive POS? what he’s doing is abuse…DONOT marry him…give him his ring back (or pawn it) and run for the hills…men like this will never change & it will only get worse…

No thank you. Don’t have children with him.

I think you mean ex- fiance