How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

Yes, that's DHs point, and he doesn't want to upset his mother.
I agree with you and other posters that I just have to accept it, as it is my only choice. And we do still get plenty support (many of my friends get none or nowhere close).

OP isn’t asking whether posters think PILS behaviour is justified. She repeatedly stated she wants advice on how to manage her own feelings about it.

The answers have broadly been to be grateful for the support she does receive, and to accept that she can’t change other people’s behaviour.

I think that is good advice.

Im the mil. I only get to see my sons child once a fortnight. Look after her for a day. Basically free child care. Out with this time I dont see her. I have kindly asked. Never impose. Her other granny has her every week. Weekends, away with them. So not always the mil fault. I just take what time im given 😌.

Do you parents spend alot of time with your child. If so mil maybe feels shes not required. Girls do tend to go to their mums

This reminds me of the choice words my DM had for my SIL around 15 years ago when SiL complained to her about how she wasn’t getting from my DP the same things they gave to me (not childcare related, it was physical stuff). My mum pointed out that SIL has her own parents to ask for that stuff, that she’d barely known her 5 years at that point and I was their actual child. It was all very weird. How did SIL cope? She grew up! I think she’d be very embarrassed by her younger self now. She came into the family having been top daughter in her parents’ eyes, and expected to be the same in my parents’ eyes too. Just took time for her to see that the daughter in law relationship isn’t the same as the parent-child relationship.

Thanks - it was actually my brother's kids, though.

It wasn't a new feeling, tbh. I had hoped that the sidelining was strictly reserved for me, but it extended to my children as well.

The hardest thing wasn't that, it was the anger and resentment from my ex because he decided it was my fault that she didn't ever want to look after either of them at any point; he actually refused to ever deal with arranging childcare or looking after them himself and wouldn't hear of his parents spending any time with the DC that helped me (ie, meant I could work longer hours or hold onto an already precarious job) on the basis that my mother didn't do any.

Guess that was how he managed his negative feelings about his MIL - directed them at the other parent. Me.

That's just very different, any childcare provided to SIL helps both - SIL and her husband equally.

Stuff that you received from your parents only benefited you, and your brother probably was given something equivalent so both siblings were treated equally.

Yeah I would be happy with the one day a week and move on. Neither of my child’s grandparents commit to any sort of weekly childcare.

But you’re the DIL . You have no standing in this issue. It’s between your DH, his mother and his sister.

Just from the title why are you having negative feelings towards DH ?

Ooh I like that. I think that will help me with my situation. My brother is definitely the dumbest child

I would focus on where your DCs are missing out. Which is more about the days out than the childcare.

Next time MIL mentions having taken SIL's kids to a theme park/whatever, if just say that your kids would love to have that kind of fun quality time with them, and would they consider taking them for their own day out*, as you're sure it would really benefit their GP/GC relationship.

*Ideally not adding them in to a trip with the other GCs

I think you answered why this disparity happens and that's because of your DH. If it's you that organises meetings and meals and everything else then your DH isn't close to his family in the same way that a daughter would be and it will have a knock on effect. Your DH needs to step up with the relationship he has with his mother. I bet it's never him that asks for childcare - and that is precisely why. I'd redirect your negative feelings towards your husband - he's the reason why.

You could go on the outing too. Think MIL already does enough solo ‘parenting’ of grandchildren. She could have the fun on the rides with your DC and you take the responsibility for them. I would hate to add extra workload for her

He has a brilliant relationship with his mother, speaks daily to her and supports her where needed and is a very good son. That is the reason why he doesn't want to burden her much.
But yes, I agree, I am upset with him too, as in many cases I was left to struggle rather than him asking for support. And of course we don't go out as couple much or spend time together, so our relationship is affected it by it.

@NeedSomeEmotionalSupport why do you expect support from MIL, why can’t you get support elsewhere, or pay for it if necessary?

So you have a husband problem @NeedSomeEmotionalSupport ?

You say your relationship is affected by it? How so?

We do get help elsewhere (paid), but that's not the point of my thread.

But your DH thinks your MIL is put upon by SIL so why would he want to burden his mum with more childcare. I think he is doing the right thing.

That what's currently happens in our household - she joins us on days out.

Exactly. The relationship is between her mother and her children that well predates your arrival. Why are you getting involved? There could be umpteen reasons why their dynamic is the way it is, right or wrong. It doesn’t impact you wrt childcare - they’re your children, you look after them.

You've got your side of the family which is none of your DH’s business. Why are you meddling in his? You’re trying to make this your MIL’s and SIL’s fault when your own DH isn’t bothered.

Just be grateful for what she is doing - I think that is all you can do.

Refocus the comparison if that helps: some of us had no help whatsoever. Literally nothing. So if you approach it from that angle you should be able to see it positively - MIL helps us out a day every week.

It’s far less emotive as a point of comparison, but I do feel a lot happier in my home when I remember how many folks don’t have secure housing, than when I walk past the large 1930s detached houses in nearby roads.

Think you best to go with the theory if she is not telling you how to run your life you shouldn’t be telling her how to run her life. Think your husband should do the same regardless of what he thinks of sil, it’s non of your business.