How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

Why do you feel negative feelings towards DH because of this situation?
Presuming your SIL is his sister, therefore MIL is her mum, I think it’s perfectly natural to spend more time as mum and daughter.
Oh and I think it’s absolutely relevant how much childcare your own parents provide.

So instead of thinking your MIL does more than her fair share you would rather she swaps some of the time she spends on SIL children to yours.

If you end up with grandchildren will you be tying up your time every month in the way your MIL is.

I personally don’t think daughter’s DC should be favoured over son’s DC. However, with respect to GPs providing childcare disparities can arise for different reasons eg shift work, single parent, if childcare is already being provided when grandchild from another adult DC arrives.

Are there other disparities too? Is SIL the golden child? You mention your DH in your title and then don’t mention him again

SIL isn't a single parent, doesn't work shifts, and overall her family situation is good. Ours is too. There aren't any obvious differences in our circumstances that would explain the imbalance in support.

From my perspective, it seems to come down to MIL naturally prioritising her daughter and, as a result, spending more time with SIL's children.

That said, I'm not really looking to debate the reasons behind it. My question is about how to cope with the feelings it leaves me with. If anyone has been in a similar position, I'd be grateful to hear some words of wisdom.

It’s a little bit relevant, I think.

When a grandparent isn’t spreading their time equally between two sets of grandchildren, there’s a difference between a situation where you and SIL have similar family circumstances and needs, and a situation where SIL has different circumstances and greater childcare support needs.

If you’ve got similar circumstances, then yes, it does look like favouritism and that can cause feelings that are difficult to deal with.

If SILs circumstances are such that she does need the extra support, then considering that might help you to reframe the situation as MIL trying to provide the extra support that SIL needs, which may help you to feel less resentful about things.

Cross posted, sorry.

The difference in circumstances is that we work many more hours than SIL and her DH.

Assumed that she liked her other children and by extension, her other grandchildren more and got over myself pretty quickly - which was important as in my case, it was the difference between two separate arrangements over the years for free care from 7am until 6pm five days a week from the age of 6/18 months until the day before starting primary school and absolutely zero for mine. That and I had more than enough on my plate having to deal with the ex taking it as being my fault that she didn't want to look after my kid and kicking off about it everytime there was a problem with the childminder.

Sorry about it, sounds very difficult ❤️

How you get over these feelings is by telling yourself that your MIL does not to do any childcare for anyone at all, and if she is choosing to do any for you and your DH, you should be grateful. It is entirely her decision who she would like to support in what way. Perhaps your SIL is much closer to your MIL than your DH is more affectionate/loving/grateful? In any case, it is her decision, and you just need to be grateful for the support she does provide you.

You need to have a strong word with yourself and be grateful for the help that's already being offered. Focus on what you have, not on what someone else has. Comparison is the thief of joy... I've never heard of anything so ridiculous if i'm completely honest

Are there any differences in the relationship that MIL has with your DH and his sister?
Is she emotionally closer to his sister?
Does she she see her daughter as needing more support than her son?

No one should expect any support with their children, so view any that you do get as a bonus and try to quell these unreasonable feelings that you have.

So many new mothers on this forum seem to dislike their MIL, and think they demand and interfere too much, your situation sounds something to be grateful for in my opinion, it’s a fairly happy balance.

What's ridiculous exactly?

The relationship you have with your parents (if any) is incredibly relevant. If it isn’t a good one, then that will contribute to your feelings of rejection and jealousy, which while understandable, isn’t fair.

I'm surprised this isn't glaringly obvious to the OP.

Extensive sociological and evolutionary research confirms that maternal grandmothers (mothers of the daughters) generally invest more, feel closer to, and show a stronger preference for their daughters' children compared to their sons' children.

None of this is about spreading available time equally. The reality is your SIL is the daughter. She will have an entirely different relationship to her own mother than you do. They are likely to be closer, chat more often, and have much more of a sense of what is going on in each other’s lives. Which will also mean a lot more incidental conversations around eg ‘when I see my best friend Rose, in fact can you pick up or help on this date’

What her time isn’t is some kind of resource for you to determine how it should be shared and split up based on your views of equality. She probably gets put out a bit looking after the two children, or find it exhausting, but won’t want to let her own daughter down. Maybe your child is slightly less interesting, or a bit more of a hassle. I just don’t know. You just need to be very grateful for the care and help you do get most parents out there would chew their right arm off to get one day a week of free help.

It can be very hard if there are no discernible reasons why support is different. We had no GPs live near us so never had this issue as had to use paid childcare.

I guess MIL possibly spent more time with SIL during maternity leave than DIL if live locally so that might then lead to more childcare. If working patterns aren’t the reason why SIL needs a weekly overnight and a couple of weekends a month, then maybe you could reframe your thinking that SIL is being very entitled and you are not by only having 1 day a week of MIL’s time

And exploring additional information and ideas on what is fair and equal or not are all relevant to you being able to swallow these feelings and move on

Do you as a family have time with MIL and not just for childcare?

Yes, a lot. We invite her to meals out, days out, trips.

I'd cope with those feelings by reframing it - one day every single week is absolutely loads of childcare you're getting, presumably for free, and I would be immensely grateful for it.

you have dismissed anyone’s suggestion to check your entitlement and asked again how you cope. But that IS how you cope! You cope by owning that there is nothing to cope with. You are very very lucky that you have a grandma who does so much. I hope you all show her your gratitude.
the poster upthread got it spot on. You have just asked as an adult ‘how do I cope with someone getting a bigger slice of cake than I got (for free)’ . You get some perspective.

you mention DH in your OP and then not again. What negative feelings do you have about him?

I appreciate some of users here feel entitled to all information they might fancy to know, but I am afraid I won't be sharing these details with you.
I would also point out you are being inconsiderate by pushing this topic.