How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

That you are a nicer person than your SIL. I would rather relationship with GPs is family time rather than pressured childcare

I’m not sure if we end up having grandchildren whether we would want to tie up regular time with childcare. Would help with ad hoc babysitting and family time, but regular childcare is a big ask and then you get to the situation with your SIL where it is expected

MIL didn't want initially, SIL insisted to have her on regular schedule for help.
Eventually now MIL likes to be involved and see GC.

This entirely.

The level of entitlement is astonishing and angry responses to anyone not agreeing are aligned to this.

I experienced this and so did my dc. It wasn’t about the childcare it was about the significant difference between the way SIL and BIL children were treated compared to ours.
I think mil thought we were coping well and providing for our children and the other two (My DH brother and sister) weren’t but it definitely felt as if we were punished because we put all the effort into our dc .
For example they would cancel a prearranged baby sit for us to ‘help’ SIL. Or not go to our dc nativity play but go to their cousins the next day.
it was grossly unfair but the kids noticed, I noticed and all I can say is you reap what you sow.

Should I be grateful for people being rude ? Should I not call them out?

I am grateful for thoughtful and useful comments, which I have taken onboard.

But I totally disagree with people thinking that they are entitled to through insults on the anonymous forums (I assume it makes them feel better about themselves). If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all ...

I think a few of us are trying to say that reframe your feelings will help you cope? So you currently feel unprioritised, rejected and its unfair and its upsetting you and how you feel about MIL.

But if you looked at it as sil is taking the piss you might feel less rejected? It might still feel unfair that someone gets away with taking the piss but those sorts of family dynamics are very hard to unpick but are rarely about rejection. It might make you feel a bit better about it.

OP if it was me... I'd try and change my mindset. So rather than focusing on the disparity - I'd try to frame it as ' I'm so glad I'm not the kind of person who takes the mick out of my Mil. And how sad that mil feels that she can't say no to unreasonable childcare requests'.

Rather than see this as - it should be more evenly split - I'd try to feel sorry for mil - who, by the sounds of it is doing a lot more than she'd like to (maybe we'll see her on mumsnet soon asking how she can say no to her pushy daughter...)

@NeedSomeEmotionalSupport

It seems as if you feel that the vast disparity in how your MiL spends her time with her daughter is unfair but her lack of time is purely a logistical one, of her choosing, it does not, however, mean that your children and family are being rejected.

She is obviously close to her daughter, nurtured over a lifetime and it's easier for her to spend time there, it really is not a competition between you and your SiL and certainly does not mean that you and your family are worth less to her.

Could she perceive that her daughter needs more help and support and that you manage your family more successfully and require little support which is actually a sign of respect for your competence rather than a rejection of your family?

It sounds as if you are keeping a subconscious "scorecard" and the time imbalance you feel, seems unfair to you.

Burn that scorecard. Resentment lives in the gap between reality and expectation.

Once you accept that 100% of her extra time goes to her daughter as a permanent reality, you stop expecting a different score and the disappointment vanishes.

You have a good relationship with her despite her limited time so try not to confuse that with her not loving you, your husband and your children.

Wishing you peace of mind.🌸

I’ve had the same experience with my mum and my brother. She’s helped me out 6 times in 11 years. She looks after my brothers children all holidays, after school and pays for day trips, buys clothes etc but wouldn’t make any effort for mine. I heard someone say that the mum helps the dumbest child the most and it helped me stop resenting.

This may not be helpful, my DSIS says whenever she asks her MIL to look after DS, MIL typically says no because she’s busy. But when her DH asks his mum she always says yes. Just thinking - perhaps your husband needs to handle all the requests in future.

As a side note - my DSIS is quite unreasonable with her expectations of her MILs childcare input so this may be the reason why her MIL always says no :-/

I would be upset at the difference in treatment of my children to their cousin - regardless of whether it was from my parents or my in laws.

At some point the children will notice and it may well upset them and impact their relationship with their grandparents.

The way you deal with your feelings that this is unfair is to tell yourself to get a bloody grip and be thankful you have any free childcare. They do not need to run their calendar around your schedule and it’s suck it up, it’s none of your business how much time they spend with other grandchildren.

wow.

How many children are there, did SIL
”get in there first “ so to speak? Is MIL knackered doing 3 days of childcare plus additional requests? What was arranged with MIL prior to having kids, were you going to use paid childcare and she’s offered to help with a day? A lot to consider from what I’ve read, MIL seems to have a lot on her plate.

Exactly, wow.

Yes, definitely gets there first. But even days agreed for us in advance are being cancelled sometimes in favour of looking after other GC. This happened recently and disappointed me a lot.

@NeedSomeEmotionalSupport who had children first, although there does seem to be favouritism or pressure in respect of SIL anyway?

I think if you ask a question on internet forum where no one has any skin in the game and no one knows each other, and multiple people respond with a similar view that you are entitled, you could call everyone rude and insulting and ignore them or you could perhaps take some time to reflect on that viewpoint. And I mean that genuinely.

I'd speak to her. Some MILs are scared seeing all the hate, and the fact some people seem to think they should be second class. Tell her she's an equal grandmother, and you'd love for things to be fairer. Make a point fo inviting her out with you all, and sometimes just with you.

So you need to move your feelings from MIL to SIL if she's the one taking advantage.

As for cancelling it is up to your husband to push back to both MIL and SIL to say no we can't change our plans.

And also remember if care is required by MIL in the future its more likely her daughter would be doing that than her son who you've already said works long hours.

I think you just have to accept it and be grateful for the help you do get.

I realised this early on when my DPs didn't ever look after my DCs and it meant I came to terms with it, and forged ahead paying for it, or swapping with friends etc. It's much easier that way, it really is, because it seems to me from what you have said, nothing much will change.

p.s. it is just exhausting looking after GC and the older your MIL and FIL get they might cut back somewhat. At that point, you have a stronger leg to stand on!
How old are they?

Totally agree. I am sorry but you don’t come across that well in your posts- you do seem to have a bit of an attitude. If I was MIL, I don’t think I’d do any childminding for you!

He didn't push back, that's why I am upset with him. He just diffused the situation by saying it's okay we will take time off work.
Just to add: we were told about it post the plans where made. Originally we were told she can't help that day and gave us 'plenty of notice' to make arrangements, but it is only after we found out why (other GC).

He presumably understands that he cannot force her, and pushing it wont get you what you want, but is more likely to result in a row that could cost you the childcare she does provide.

How do you accept it? By accepting the situation as it is, rather than what you think it should be (yet isn’t and won’t be). Despite what you may feel, you aren’t owed fairness. You’d like it, of course, but you’re not entitled to it. Accept that you cannot control your MIL’s choices, and that you don’t need to understand them. In allowing it to eat at you, you’re only hurting yourself. You cannot control how you feel, but you can challenge it. You can choose not to indulge, wallow in, it.

I'd be interested to see how the posters who have been so eager to accuse you of entitlement manage to justify your PILs behaviour here.

It's been crystal clear from the beginning of the thread that you're upset about being constantly deprioritised in favour of your SIL's family - for yourself and your DH, but even more for your DC who aren't having the same opportunity to spend time with their GPs.