How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

He is very close to his mother, they have a good relationship. The reason for me doing all the inviting and organising is because the social side of our lifes falls on me, DH has a busy work schedule so he doesn't plan activities and outings in advance.

Nonsense.

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare. We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

All about childcare.

So step back and let him handle relationships with his side of the family. That way you don't get to feel rejected all the time.

Yes absolutely - I'm not disagreeing - and this is exactly what the OP is asking for: advice on how to manage those feelings.

What I cannot understand is the posters who are telling her that she is flat out wrong and entitled for simply perceiving this unfairness and feeling upset by it.

Sorry but that's bollocks. The issue is that the GPs are favouring one family over another. Childcare is simply the context.

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.
We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.
The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.
I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

Thanks to those who call out unnecessary negative and insulting posters.
I am sure they are very big people with a stoic approach to their feelings and relationships in the real life, it is just at the anonymous forums they choose to do petty insults and comments educating other on how to be a bigger person.

She might not want to do so much childcare but feel pressured because her daughter is more forceful. I know of a situation where that is the case.

It is definitely the case. DH says his sister is taking a piss with it.
But how do I cope with my feelings around it? That's the question.

I had this situation with my own mum. My brother got years of childcare from her. I've paid around 100k for childcare. There's no easy way to get past the feelings of resentment. I just have to not think about it.

I actually think there has been some really good advice given here on how to cope by reframing it or practising gratitude but you are hearing that as petty insults which is a shame as you are missing some very good points.

Just thinking a bit more about how you might handle those feelings OP, so that you can make peace with it a bit.

Do you know much about what the dynamics of their family growing up? The reason I ask is because my own DC are very different. My eldest (now a young adult) has always been fiercely independent. My role as a parent has been to give them the independence they crave, and I quietly burst with pride every time they take some bold step forward without my help or anyone else's.

I have another wonderful DC who could not be more different, and right now is pretty vulnerable and needs far, far more support than would be typical at their age. So inevitably we are pretty enmeshed right now, and that hands on parenting I have to do is on a completely different scale.

Obviously I hope very much that this DC will find their way to enjoying independence just as much as their older sibling. But I often reflect on how challenging it will be for me to adapt, and I am well aware that I will have to be constantly alert to the risk of 'favouring' the younger DC because these behaviours of intimacy and involvement will be hard to break, when you've seen a DC struggle so much in the in the past and had to provide a lot of support. This is the kind of situation I could see myself sleepwalking into as a GP if I'm not careful - always at the back of my mind wanting to protect the younger DC from being overwhelmed, while giving the elder one space out of habit.

Could there be anything like that at play here? Obviously it is still a form of favouritism, but its borne out of worry and concern, rather than simple preference.

Maybe ask chat GPT instead of mumsnet, it’s more likely to give you the answer you think you want.

Have a little pity for your MIL? She is doing three days a week of childcare! Maybe she doesn’t want to do it at all but can only say no some of the time?

I would check my sense of entitlement and wonder what sense of insecurity was causing me to do so much sideways checking at how big a slice of the birthday cake the next person was getting. As you say yourself, no one owes you childcare. I think it's unbelievable you actually think your busy MIL should be keeping her weekends free in case you need childcare.

Helpful, thoughtful advice like this you mean? The third response to the OP's thread? It's no wonder she is feeling defensive.

You take all the 'shoulds' out of the situation ie Your idea that your SIL 'should' not ask. Your MIL 'should' not provide. Your MIL 'should' keep part of her weekends without commitments in case you need childcare. You 'should' be getting exactly equal treatment.

You accept that everyone involved is a free adult, almost certainly doing exactly what they want, and that it suits everyone except you.

You acknowledge that your feelings are the only thing you have control over, and that they are in fact what is making you miserable, presumably because of some predilection to feeling left out and rejected from some other part of your life. And you just let yourself feel what you feel without feeling you 'should' be feeling something else. Eventually they will fade. Feeling aggrieved that you don't get equal childcare won't kill you.

Sorry couldn't get past this little snippet "two weekends a month". Wow I'd be like a new woman if I had all this childcare. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that .. just concentrate on the positives.

Well that post certainly wasn’t worded kindly but there are valid points in there.

Exactly, and many more like this. Where people are being rude but for some reason feel sensitive when being called out.

For some reason people think I should just accept insults from some random people online.

You don't want advice on dealing with you emotions at all. You want people to join you is saying it's so mean and unfair.

Newsflash, it isn't.

The tone you've taken with people in your responses says an awful lot.

very normal to prioritise her own daughter

OP my children's grandmother looked after DS1 overnight just ONCE and never again overnight for either DS1 or DD2. Never a full day either.

Meantime she looked after her other son's children for weeks at a time during the school holidays while their parents went on holidays abroad and frequently during the week.

My own mother helped out a lot in the first couple years, then I pulled back because she was taking over completely (and other issues). So I had to struggle and often lost out on opportunities to improve our family's circumstances. There was an occasion where I really could have done with support as I was trying to get into a career and the nursery was of a poor standard. But it was never offered. I had to put it on the back burner and drop out of it because my conscience couldn't allow me to leave DS there.

But it was truly ok. I never ever resented it, because frankly, I never saw her as a mother figure who owed me anything more than she was willing to give. She had favourites among her children and it extended to her DGC but I knew she still loved my children too. It was just one of those things.

I later learned some of the reasons from her own mouth as to why she favoured some children more than others and some of it was understandable. She went through certain trauma and difficulties in her marriage coinciding with their births and other things. It was just a shame it naturally then extended to the DGC.

Regardless, I have always encouraged a proactive relationship from my DCs towards her. They love and respect her, but it's not as close as It should be between DGC and DGM. It actually has been her loss, they could have been closer than they are.

But I understand the times, and situations she grew up and parented in so I honestly don't sweat it.

And it's fairly normal for mothers to be closer to their daughter's children.

I think you have to learn to accept it. They may be some reason, something you do not know as to why things are the way they are.*

*As an aside my own DM goes above and beyond for my sister's DC they practically live with her, but there are emotional differences in their relationship and my sisters coping abilities, so that factors. Something similar maybe going on here.

Blimey! That’s A LOT of childcare!

Full time care for free - for years? Wow! And nothing for your children?

You must have felt very shoved out and side-lined.

That really is entitled by your SIL.

If it isn't that your DH has a bad relationship with his mum then that is a good thing.
Ultimately you don't have any control over two adults relationship and accepting the unfairness that comes out of that relationship is probably for the best.
For whatever reason and there will be a reason, your MIL is driven or pulled to support one of her children more than the other.
Radical acceptance of this will help, you don't have to agree with it but acknowledging that it is unfair but you can't change it is something that you can do.

I have exactly the same situation except my MIL gives us zero support and my brother in law could get a splinter and she would be there like a shot looking after the kids who she already sees twice a week. Plus their mum doesn’t work and I do!

I realised it’s not about favourites, it’s about my brother in law being way more needy and some mothers need to be needed all the time so he is prioritised. She barely sees my partner but I don’t think she knows how to connect to an adult child that is independent and doesn’t take the piss with their needs.

I don’t think you can change the situation. I had similar, I felt as you do. That my children weren’t getting an equal experience with their grandparents. More treats and holidays were given to the sibling who asked for more.

I wasn’t going to ask for more, I just learnt to accept it. In time what was freely and lovingly given became an expectation. When my parents in law figured this out, they made a commitment to ‘equalise’. They also got older and more tired dealing with childcare. Nothing changed for us, but a lot changed for the sibling.