How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

She is closer to her daughter. One day a week is a huge help to you as a family. Im years to come MIL may need care or help as we all will. It will likely be sil that does that.

Hi OP, I could have written this exact same thread!!
Over the years this has been us, live 5 mins away from in laws and SIL two hours away.
MIL often visits SIL over weekends / school holidays, has days out, holidays away, childcare whenever needed it seems and we’re on her doorstop and hardly ever a message to check in / see us.
SIL comes and goes with her kids and treats in laws house like a hotel, we get invited over once a year at Christmas!
Childcare for us always needs to be booked in advance and very rarely last minute and always timed / scheduled.
My parents live abroad but visit a few times a year and help out as much as they can.
It used to honestly bother me as always felt how unfair it was on our kids, I really didn’t care about me. I guess over the years I’ve learnt to let it go and as the kids have got older I think they’ve started to notice it for themselves and now have no expectations.
It is sad for them really as I’d love them to have a closer relationship but it is what it is!

@Pistachiocake

The problem is asking her to make things 'more fair' when we do not actually know why she is ostensibly doing more for own daughter's children is tantamount to requesting she do more.

If she already feels roped into helping her DD more (as my mum does my DSIS) then she'll likely just try and maintain that whilst doing more for the OPs DCs and she's already doing a lot by the sounds of it.

I imagine if she attempted to cut back on time with OPs DSILs kids, then it would result in a family upset.

Acceptance honestly helps, it did for me and the long term result is we're respected more by DGM.

I get this! Your feels are totally valid. You’re not being ungrateful.I have experienced the same and put it down to the fact that mothers feel closer to their daughter. I feel that this is because the mother feels a tighter bond her daughter, maybe more in control of parenting as she feels I will judge, and that well, blood is thicker than water.

You're resentful of the time your mother-in-law spends with her daughters' children. She's looking after children three days out of five, plus additional weekends. As I said before, I actually feel sorry for her. She's already raised her own children, and now she has fixed days every week where she's effectively back on duty again.
I think you're coming across as entitled, and I find your complaint quite unfair and rude. You're actually very fortunate to have that level of support.
Do you spend time with your mother-in-law at weekends? Do you take her on days out with the children or make an effort to include her in family activities? I hope you give something back rather than simply expecting more of her time and help.

That’s a fair point, although I don’t think in 20 years time SIL will be posting on mumsnet “ I wipe my mums arse seven times a week and DIL never does it, how can I cope with my feelings of unfairness”.

Are your sister in law's children older than yours? Had your mother in law already made a commitment to look after them when you needed childcare? If so I think it's very understandable that she looks after them two days a week and yours one day. She has a right to have some time for herself. It sounds as though she is already doing a lot of childcare.
I would just be grateful for what she is able to provide.