How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

Do you ask your Fil for childcare too?

I don't care OP and I would hazard a guess no-one else does really.

It doesn't affect our lives if your parents don't do any childcare and your MIL does loads for you, but more for her daughter.

However, it does affect you it would seem so your petulance will get you nowhere in this thread 🤷‍♂️

Wow I can’t believe the harsh responses you’re getting op. I think your feelings are perfectly valid.

I guess you have to suck it up but I would feel a bit put out and that my family was considered ‘second class’. Maybe start returning the same level of energy? Stop inviting them to family occasions and see if it prompts a reaction.

And risk losing her free regular weekly childcare?

Can't see that happening.

My MIL is like this but she rarely does any childcare for us (think they have had them overnight 3 times as no other childcare available) but they have their other grandchildren most weeks and she collects/drops off her grandson most days from school.
it hurt my feelings for a long while but now I don’t really care. She’s not my mother (my mother loves being with my children) and my children don’t particularly like their grandparents and aren’t really interested in spending any time with them. They miss out on my children who won’t be little forever.

like pp have said there isn’t much you can do but try and work through your own feelings. I’ve just come to realise my in laws just aren’t that bothered with us and I can’t change that.

Thanks, I appreciate it.
Yes, people think they can just jump on a thread and give insults, which is of course not helping anyone, including those posters themselves who must be full of angst in real life.

I guess I could just not initiate any additional outings, it is usually me planning the days out and meals out and inviting MIL to join, but I don't have to. DH can do it if he decides so.

I am sorry you have had people being so nasty to you on this thread.

I had this situation too. I coped by feeling sorry for her that my dh's parents weren't getting so much time with my gorgeous children!

Luckily our children were unaware of the discrepancy so weren't hurt by it.

Can you ask your husband to talk to his mum about it? Let her know that you are aware of the differences in time one set of grandchildren spend with her to the other?

Of course, be careful what you wish for. Do you like this woman? Would she be a good influence on your kids?

Swqa, you are really invested into my thread.
I would rather you redirect your energy to a thread where you could be useful for someone.

Maybe look at it from a more practical calendar management perspective. If you're asking her to do childcare or go for a day out and she's already busy, then your SIL has already asked and she's just said yes to who asked first. Maybe try booking things further in advance. Unless she's deliberately keeping days free in case you ask, then she's going to say yes to plans, and SIL is asking more often

Op I completely packed in helping with childcare for my grandchildren after my dc started bickering about each other getting extra or less. Apart from the fact I was exhausted I just couldn’t please everyone so I stopped it to save any daft disagreements. Be prepared to pay for your extra childcare if your mil decides the same!

And again, I couldn't care less what you'd 'rather' 🤷‍♂️

You started the thread but you don't own it.

Is childcare done by your family aswell as your husbands family i

My own mother's priorities often sit elsewhere too. It's our son's second birthday coming up. In-laws are around for the entire weekend, my parents are rushing back to spend time with some distant relatives. Not the first time. She once wanted to abandon my Dad in A and E half an hour from home (no public transport) because she had a silver band concert. I don't let it upset me and am thankful she's around when we really need the help.

@NeedSomeEmotionalSupport

I can imagine you feel aggrieved but you have to put it to one side. Obviously the GPs are going to veer towards doing more for their DD, unfair I know but that's how it is.
I think you should be grateful for the help you do get, you are very lucky, taking it in isolation, and the GPs sound very busy with childcare. Exhausting!

My DCs were the last born in a long line of GCs so not once did my DPs look after them as they had done it previously (not on a regular basis but here and there) so to me, any regular help a couple are offered, to me, are in a very lucky position!

Why do you have negative feelings towards your DH arising from his mothers unequal time spent with your DC?

I don’t think you explained that and it might help people understand.

Your MIL has some of her grandkids at least 16 days at least out of the month with overnights also and 2 weekends a month. Only 4 of those days are with your kids. So she's doing more than 3 times the childcare for her daughter that she is for her son. This's a big gap. And you say you and your husband work more than his sister and her husband and you live closer.

She's basically got a custody schedule going on with your SIL.

Given that SIL is not a single parent or doing shift work and even works less and her family situation is similar to yours, it's likely favoritism, and your husband should point out the discrepancies in time and attention to his mom, like the weekend outings. Your kids will notice at some point and that's where you'll have to pull back from SIL and cousins for your kids' benefit.

Are they enmeshed? Is there a golden child scapegoat dynamic going on?

I think, besides your husband having a chat about the really obvious discrepancies in time and outings, which probably will be brushed off, stop inviting her to the things you invite her to. Pull back a bit. She watches your kids 4 times a month but you might need to pull back a lot if your kids are noticing that their cousins get all her time and energy and they get the leftovers, favoritism can be really damaging to the kids. Get them into their own activities and keep up their parties and social stuff.

I'd also say accept that her childcare isn't equal instead of resenting it. This is the situation and it's unlikely to change. Find mom friends who can reciprocate childcare, find paid carers, but resenting her will not help you or your kids.

Too are getting a lot of weird responses OP! Based on what you've written, your feelings are completely understandable. For those posters saying that the MIL is doing nothing wrong, would you honestly not see any issues at all in treating your own DC and GC so differently, for no other reason than because you want to?

I'm not sure what to advise you OP because I'd feel the same and would struggle in the same way. I experienced something similar with PIL, although not to the same extent, and to be honest it just was what it was and never really changed. PIL were always very kind and loving towards all their GC but couldn't completely disguise that their preference for BIL and his wife's family, which stemmed from BIL being MILs favourite child. She was a good woman and it was never deliberate, and she probably would have been very upset if she had have known how obvious it was. But I guess some parents cannot help having a closer bond with one child, and that inevitably carries on into the next generation.

Are you for real? You cope with these feelings by realising they aren't realistic and smack of entitlement. You are more concentrated on what she isn't doing rather than on what she is doing. Put yourself in her shoes. The poor woman is retired and looking after kids 3 days a week plus and you want more?

She probably feels overwhelmed and very tired and can't give anymore and your focus is on the inequity of the situation? Then you are annoyed when anyone wants to point that out to you. You are looking for reasons to be annoyed. You need to take a step back and appreciate that she is looking after your children and helping you.

I think it’s very normal for mothers to be closer to and help out their daughters more.
Your MIL is already doing a lot for you. If you feel like you need more support with childcare then you should look to your own mother to provide that for you.
MIL is under no obligation to do anything for anyone. So you should probably be grateful for what you do have rather than being jealous over what you do not

I am gobsmacked by the poor comprehension on this thread.

The OP is not complaining about the amount of childcare she gets. She has said absolutely nothing that implies she feels automatically entitled to any childcare at all.

Her feelings relate entirely about the disparity in the treatment of her family compared to her SIL's family, when there is no obvious explanation other than naked favouritism. Which is hard to stomach, when you look at your lovely, innocent DCs and see them being treated so differently from their cousins.

Who asks her for childcare? You or DH?

If it is you rather than your DH inviting your mil out on your day trips it is possible that the biggest issue is your DH's relationship with his mum isn't a close as his sister's relationship.
This may impact the level of involvement that your mil has with your family.
So as the DIL I would try and manage my feelings be reflecting that the difference in support isn't about myself or my dc but about my husband's relationship with his mother.

But this is life isn't it? Don't you get on better with some work colleagues than others or find friendship with some people you meet and not with others?

Some relationships are easier than others.

It's unfair and dealing with favouritism in the family is difficult, but by concentrating on relationships that bring you joy, and being resilient when they don't always go your way is how to deal with it.

I get it OP - and as a parent of adults of both sexes, I cannot imagine providing a very difficult set of childcare to my son and his partner than I would to my daughter and her partner. You just don't.

I think all you can do is try and accept it is what it is sadly - this is a situation you can do nothing about, other than make sure you have other childcare sorted and rely on her for nothing more. Treating children and grandchildren differently (unless there's something major obviously) is not a good way to behave.

Assuming SIL is your husbands sister so MIL is her mother. From many posts on here women seem to object to their MIL wanting to be treated equally with their mother and the consensus always seems to be it's different you don't have the same history with your MIL and will never be as close as you are with your own mother. This seems to be the same thing in reverse your MIL having a closer relationship with her DD than her DIL it's just how things are. I guess it's expected your mother would fulfil that closer role for you.