How do you cope with negative feelings towards DH and MIL?

[NeedSomeEmotionalSupport]

I'm struggling with a lot of resentment and hurt because it feels like MIL clearly prioritises SIL's family when it comes to childcare.

We live closer to MIL and have a good relationship with her, which makes the difference even harder to understand. MIL has our DC one day a week, whereas she looks after SIL's children two days a week, including an overnight stay, as well as around two weekends a month. During those weekends she often takes SIL's children on days out and buys them treats, while our DC doesn't have those experiences with her.

The main issue is that whenever we ask for any additional help, whether it's an extra day during the week or some weekend childcare, it's usually difficult because MIL's calendar is already full. It also feels as though our family isn't considered when those commitments are being made, as no extra time is offered or kept available for us.

I completely appreciate that grandparents aren't obligated to provide childcare, and I am grateful for the help we do receive. However, I'm finding it really difficult to deal with the feelings of rejection and unfairness that come from the imbalance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you cope with those feelings or reframe the situation so it didn't affect you so much?

It wouldn't bother me at all. It would maybe upset me a little if she was my mother and I felt she preferred my sister's kids but not a MIL. I'd just be grateful for what she was doing for me.

It's pretty normal for MILs to be closer to daughters. It's also normal for grandparents to start doing childcare for the first grandchild without factoring in how they are going to do the same for any future ones.

Unfortunately you just have to let it go.

I would check my sense of entitlement and wonder what sense of insecurity was causing me to do so much sideways checking at how big a slice of the birthday cake the next person was getting. As you say yourself, no one owes you childcare. I think it's unbelievable you actually think your busy MIL should be keeping her weekends free in case you need childcare.

Talking of entitlement, you are at the anonymous forum so you clearly think it entitles you to be rude to strangers, behind the safety of your screen.
Everything you have said could have been worded in a polite manner.

How much childcare do your own parents provide OP?

I wasn't rude.

Your response, however, suggests the same entitlement as your OP -- no one owes you childcare. No one on the internet owes you soft-soaping.

You organise your own childcare and accept that she knows she’s being unfair and doesn’t care. This will colour your opinion of her as time goes on and possibly her grandchildren’s too, but there’s nothing you can do about that. I’ve just gone NC with my parents. My children are 8 and 6. The favouritism of their cousin just became hideous, it was upsetting them, and it got to the point where I couldn’t expose them to that anymore. It all started exactly like this.

Your poor MIL. Already does a shed load of childcare

Does your SIL have a partner? Are the overnights and weekends due to work or social commitments?

I wouldn't feel any resentment because I'd think she's already done more than enough for her children and grandchildren—she's raised her own kids, after all.
How many days a week is your family looking after the children?
I actually feel a bit sorry for your mother-in-law. Does she get any time to herself?

I totally get your point of view. Just a wow - where is FIL in all of this - is he at work? Could FIL take your kids out at the weekend? My FiL is fabulous - he’s 72 and last holiday he took my son donutting at the local dry ski slope!

I have an inversion of your problem - I’m the one trying desperately to make things feel equal and fair so MiL doesn’t feel left out. My MiL has two sons, and my dh is now utterly brilliant at organising things but it has taken years to get to the stage where he takes the initiative to organise time for dgc with mil and pil.

I do think it’s just easier when the kids are very little and it’s “your own mum”. It was just so natural for my mum to slot into helping me with childcare - she could basically read my mind she knew me so well. And I adored her. Sadly my mum died with my ds was 2 so I have not had my mum all these years. I miss my mum so much it hurts. And try as I do, it’s just not the same sharing the little ups and downs of parenting, the photos, silly stories, triumphs, crises, giggles and tears with my mil.

But I persevere.

So don’t resent it - work on it.

I'd be grateful for the day a week! When I had a preschool child that was worth £5k a year. Probably more now. That is a lot to do for someone. If you keep pushing for more you may get less, so be careful.

You think it’s wrong that no "extra time" is "kept available" for you?

Do you really expect your MIL to refuse other invitations/requests for help at weekends so she can keep them free on the off-chance that you might ask her for help?

It's normal and natural for a woman to be closer to her DD than to her DIL, but have you tried "booking" her a long time in advance?

I don’t understand why, as per your heading, you have negative feelings towards your DH. You haven’t mentioned him in the actual post at all.

Ao she's looking after grandchildren. Three days a week and also weekends and you want her to do more because it's not fair? Grow up

Are there some other factors that make MIL stance not feel so bad.
For instance does SIL have inlaws that dont help? But your mum does sometimes. Are you and your husband better able to afford different childcare. Is someone in better health than someone else. Is sister in law more relaxed about treats and routines going out the window. Is sil a nightmare and mil is scared to satyno, but dh more measured.

Im not suggesting all these are the case, but sometimes you can look at things a different way and if feels less like she doesnt like the kids and more like another issue.

I feel sorry for a lot of grandparents today as there seems to be less about contact visits and much more about the expectation of childcare.

They don't get to choose to have grandchildren and they don't get to choose how many, yet they're expected to do so much work for them.

Actually I think the poster had it spot on, you are coming across as jealous or envious, or both . . .

You say you have feelings of rejection and unfairness. What does your DH think? Does he feel rejected ?

I think it’s entirely normal for a MIL to feel closer to her own daughter. If you think of that as a rejection of you, perhaps ask yourself why?

If MIL thinks about it at all, she may be asking why your own mum is not stepping in.

( By the way, not meaning that this is only women's work, but realistically that’s how it falls )

My original question was about how to cope with the feelings that come from what I see as an unfair level of support. I'm not asking whether the situation is fair or unfair—that isn't the discussion I'm looking to have.

For that reason, I'm not going to respond to requests for additional background, as it isn't relevant to the advice I'm seeking.

Thank you to everyone who has answered the question I actually asked. I appreciate those perspectives.

I never expected childcare from DGP’s, anything offered was a bonus. I never counted how many days MIL looked after her other grandchildren either. You do sound quite entitled.

For that reason, I'm not going to respond to requests for additional background, as it isn't relevant to the advice I'm seeking.

I think how much work your own parents do for you/your DC is very relevant.

How to cope with your feelings? You need to accept that you cannot control other people’s behaviour, only your own.

MIL wants to provide more childcare to SILS children than yours. That is her prerogative.

I am not saying to do more, I am saying spread the available time equally and not favour one family over another.
That's the reason for my disappointment, how much more SIL is favoured. But it does appear from comments here that it is a normal practice.

You need to practice gratitude, some people get no help. Do you have support from your family? Is the child care the issue or are you jealous of their close relationship (mil & Sil)

sounds to me like you’re bringing some baggage into this relationship.

Of course I have these feelings too. They are very human feelings so we all experience them.
But again, I really think you should just not post when you have nothing nice or helpful to say.

And when you are the grandparent dividing time and childcare opportunities between multiple children's children, then you will be able to do so. But it's not something you get to make someone else do, so all you can do about it is manage your own feelings, and/or explore whatever it is that's stopping you being grateful for a day's free childcare and kvetching that it isn't two.