How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

If he capable of behaving himself around others, it just means he’s an abuser. Your description of his behaviours sounds exactly like my ex. I’m so sorry.

Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health?"

Just saying....

@WheresThatCatGoneNow When the sickness becomes abuse it’s not the same marriage

Brain injury or not, I could not live like this.

Because it is abusive. Gas lighting is not a brain injury.

This. You are married not joined at the hip. You have a life too

It took me a really long time to realise that when you're trying everything to improve yourself and finding it's not working - it is because the problem isn't with you, so it isn't within your gift to be able to fix.

I think it can be hugely relieving just to really accept that as truth, and a good starting point to work out what to do next.

I would not try to cope with that. He is abusive. I would go online and start divorce proceedings today and then I would tell him what was happening. No need for any agreement on it.

If he genuinely loved you and the children, he'd move out and not subject you all to this.

You need to have him out of the house to protect your children. This must be ruining their childhood.

I'm someone who's had a brain injury.

The term 'brain injury' is a generic term, that covers a multitude of injuries to the brain, that are all different. It means, the symptoms, the after effects and the recovery process are all individual, with some similarities.

The brain can heal, it's amazing but it can only heal so far. People with brain injuries can 'recover', but it can get to a point, where any further recovery is unlikely.

Yes, people who've suffered a brain injury can have complete personality changes. Not everyone who suffers from a brain injury has a complete change in personality, it depends on the type of brain injury, where on the brain the injury is and the severity.

Yes, some people can no longer regulate their emotions, after a brain injury....but not all. There are plenty of people (myself included) who've had a brain injury and can regulate our emotions.

A brain injury is horrific, and it can lead to life-changing after effects. However, the OP, is experiencing extreme behaviour from her husband and yet she's expected to simply put up with it because her husband's had a brain injury. Her husband can regulate his emotions, because he's perfectly pleasant to his children and other people. He chooses to behave in the way he does towards the OP. It may be out of anger and/or frustration due to his situation, regardless of the reason the OP doesn't have to put up with it.

OP, please don't accept this. What about your life? Why he is like this isn't as relevant as how it impacts you. It is perfectly reasonable not to want to be treated like this. You deserve a life without being spoken to this way. It doesn't sound like a partnership. In sickness and in health does not mean acceptance of abuse and whether this is entirely due to his brain injury or not, you cannot accept this treatment of you.

What DOES he bring to your life?

Hi OP,

I hope you’re ok. I thought I would come on and speak a bit here cause I’ve had similar experiences (although with a parent), I’m also a psychologist and have worked with brain injury, although not for some time so I’m probably a bit out of the loop with treatment approaches.

Firstly, based on your post this appears quite obviously a neurological problem related to brain injury (although if there’s more context that might change what I would say), especially if as you say it has deteriorated since surgery. My immediate response is to wonder what support you’ve received as a family? There is lots of support available about how to manage this, if that’s what you choose to do, as it’s common with brain injury.

Frontal lobe brain injury can lead to really significant difficulties untied with emotion regulation, impulse control and executive function- so all the things you’ve listed, it does provide a good explanation for everything you’ve said (unless there are other things going on/ he was like this already long before). The problem with this is that you can converse or persuade him to be different, he will literally have no control right now. Things do tend to improve on their own following surgery up to about 18 months I think so if you’re at that mark it will be time to start planning that this might be a more permanent feature of your husbands presentation, which is not to say that therapy and other support won’t help but also that he is probably always going to really struggle with this in some way.

I think therapy support is essential here (from a person with real specialty), for you individually and your children as a larger family, about how you cope and adjust to this new way of living, and for you how you do that and what you choose to do if the course is that things willl largely stay the same. Obviously mental health needs often occur alongside brain injury and your husband also needs his own support, but I don’t think as a family you would want to be placing expectations that you’ll be getting the ‘old’ him back, it might be for you to adjust yourselves, which can be extremely painful. He also needs to have much less stress than prior to any neurological difficulties as the stress from day to day life will make things much much worse, and it’s not simply about having therapy for that, there will need to be tangible changes for him.

I think the above is the real question and thing to think about rather than getting caught up in the day to day arguments and things he’s said, which he won’t be able to control and the only thing in this moment you can do is respond with some understanding and manage your own responses to avoid escalation and more deregulation, whilst also thinking about whether this is the life you want. But of course, I think the therapy side of things would give you a space to explore how you make sense of things, how you respond and where you want to take this.

The other thing to think about is your family set up- if you want to stay together it might be that your husband needs more space from day to day pressures which might enable him to be more regulated generally. Lots of people split to two houses for this purpose but remain together. It if you know that this is not going to work for your family then starting to think with his care team about how you navigate a separation (and I would do that with external support rather than a conversation just between you and your husband).

Also just as a side there was a Louis Theroux documentary a lot of years ago about brain injury (uk based) and there was lots of exploration of exactly what you’ve described, if you haven’t seen it I think it might be helpful to watch it.

the only thing in this moment you can do is respond with some understanding and manage your own responses to avoid escalation and more deregulation, whilst also thinking about whether this is the life you want

That sounds like partner of autistic people are told - they can’t help it so YOU have to change around their disability and needs.

I feel that there is good reasons for that.
I also think there are limits. That, even when you know the anger etc… aren’t something he can control, it’s still hurtful. And I dint feel anyone should just accept that hurt, to constantly mask around their partner to not trigger them etc….
Where the limit is is a very personal thing. But I feel it’s essential for the OP to remember she can leave the relationship if it’s too much. And to do so with no guilt

Well said. I'm sure the OP will find this very useful.

My late DH had degenerative neurological conditions and became abusive in his latter years. I found it impossible to see, at the time, that I should move out, because I kept saying it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. He wasn't choosing to do those things to me, and his previous self would have been horrified. But that was exactly why I had to leave in the end, because there really was no fixing it. He couldn't choose to act differently. He had no insight.

I still looked after him, I just stopped living there. His behaviour was in some ways more extreme than your DH's and in some ways less. He wasn't very often insulting, but he did tell terrible and mad lies, accuse me of trying to kill him, accuse me of conspiring with the carers, all kinds of things, endless ranting, crying, hundreds of texts and calls, oh it was terrible. And then sometimes he was just as he was and I felt like I was imagining it all.

So basically the dilemma I felt was actually false because either he can choose to act differently and is not doing so, or he cannot choose to act differently. But either way, it's happening to you.

Good luck with it all. It's a tough gig. Your life matters too.