How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

@whatslardgottodowithit I’m really sorry you’re living like this , it sounds absolutely exhausting and frightening at times. Whatever the medical background, the behaviour you’re describing is not something anyone should have to tolerate long‑term, and it will be affecting your children even if they’re too young to articulate it.

The key thing is this: neurological illness can explain why someone behaves differently, but it doesn’t make the impact on you any less real. You’re not imagining this, and you’re not failing to “cope”. You’re living with someone who is unpredictable, irritable, unable to handle conflict, and who uses silent treatment, denial, and personal attacks. That would break down even the strongest person.

You’ve done everything you can, therapy, medication, couples counselling, changing your own behaviour but none of that can fix a dynamic where he cannot regulate himself and cannot engage in resolving issues. You can’t “manage” this into being OK.

The silent treatment for days, the character attacks, the denial of things he’s said, the bizarre accusations, and the way he rewrites your emotions (“you’re only crying because…”) are all deeply destabilising. That’s not something most people could just brush off. It’s not normal conflict. It’s not something you can simply “address” with better communication. It’s something you need to protect yourself from.

You can have compassion for what he’s been through medically and still recognise that you and your children need safety, stability, and a home where you’re not walking on eggshells.

I think your next steps are:

• Speak to your GP or therapist honestly about what’s happening at home.
• Someone has mentioned the Brain trust and that is a good call
• Get proper support for you, emotional and practical.
• Consider what boundaries you need to put in place to protect yourself and the children.
• If he refuses help or cannot engage in change, you may need to think about whether living together is sustainable.

None of this is your fault. You’re not weak, disorganised, or failing. You’re a woman carrying the entire mental load of the household while living with someone whose behaviour has become unpredictable and frightening. Anyone would be struggling.

You deserve a home where you’re not anxious, braced for the next episode, or being blamed for things that aren’t yours to carry. Your children deserve that too.

Brain injury with no or not enough neuro-rehabilitation and a big dose of denial makes people behave that way. I had a TBI with PCS and it took over a decade of rehabilitation to get me stable. It’s really tough, you lose yourself and have up re-learn and discover the new you plus develop coping mechanisms to deal with the cognitive deficits. Headway was brilliant as was Oliver Zangwell.

Editing to add, I never treated my partner the way OP’s partner has been treating her.

Is this something he can control or not? If it's a result of a long term brain injury from surgery or seizure, then you have to either accept him as he is now, or leave - only you know which you can do.

If he can control it, you need a really serious conversation and give yourself a timeframe for improvement and organise yourself to leave the relationship.

Sorry you are going through this. Personality changes as a result of brain injury are very difficult to cope with.

It doesn't really matter whether he's abusing his wife because of a neuorological condition, or because he's a git. What matters is that SHE is being abused.

And it's not a question of blame, it's a question of how she can stop being abused.

Another vote for Headway OP. A very difficult situation but hopefully they can help you navigate it.

I am a woman with a brain capable of being damaged.

As are we all.

Does that mean you believe that one persons life is worth more than another's ?

Do you believe that it is ok for someone to experience abuse for the rest of their life because the other person is injured ?

No it's not you. Listen to the hundreds of people on here telling you that 🫂.

How do you know what is ‘him’ and what’s the condition? He is perfectly lovely and wonderful to new people, at work, to my family etc x

It doesn't matter. Life isn't a balance sheet. Whatever the reason you are being emotionally abused and you can't go on living with it.

Capable of being damaged, but apparently incapable of imagining you into another person's shoes.

You don't have to cope OP, you can leave. You don't need to stay. Don't feel guilty or bad. You have tried your very best. Your children will see and hear it all. His condition does not make what he says and does plausible.
What he has isn't his fault but it is his responsibility to control to the best of his abilities which he isn't.
In the mean time, when he starts record everything. Most phones has a secure folder you can add videos, voice recordings too. I used it when ny dh insisted he did need a sleep study yet his snoring and snorting were off the scale. Think of yourself for once 💐

So she just has to live with it?

And this means that he knows the difference. He’s making a choice. So you need to make one too. Either it stops or you leave. You absolutely do not have to endure this OP.

Squabbling won’t help OP, guys.

None of us knows whether DH is choosing abuse cos he wants a divorce or helpless cos brain damage. Could be both.

OP, you need to know what’s going on. Get expert advice and book you both in with a neuropsych.

Yes, it’s very sad, but does that mean @whatslardgottodowithit should sacrifice herself to misery and abusive behaviour (it is abusive, whether he can help it or not) forever?

Note she also said he can be nice to everyone else, so it’s just her that gets the shitty end of the stick. I think that indicates he some degree of control and OP does not deserve to be treated this way.

Im sorry @whatslardgottodowithit , its very sad but I think yo have to look after yourself and the kids, you don’t hve to live this way and it isn’t fair that you have to suffer.

Ok, so you believe it isn't his fault, and his wife should be supporting him.

But what about if he slapped her?

What about if he punched her?

What about if he pushed her down the stairs?

What about if he beat her into unconsciousness?

Where do you draw the line?

He is perfectly lovely and wonderful to new people, at work, to my family etc x

So
This is just towards you?
Then you need to live apart
He can try to work with someone to find strategies
But you do not have to continue living with him and bearing the brunt
Go talk to someone
Sometimes people have to let go and let someone be cared for by someone else.

Hi OP. My husband had post ITU psychosis, and underwent a total personality change after surgery for an acute cardiac condition, not neurological, but was severely affected for 18-24 months post surgery. Apparently not that uncommon. I was a nurse who had worked in itu for over 15 years and found it incredibly difficult to, where did my previously loving husband disappear to leaving this vile and horrible person in his place? I don’t have any advice, but sending hugs and solidarity. We had two pre teen children at the time this happened, one of whom completely withdrew and one who wanted to challenge every shitty thing he did and said. I did consider leaving several times, for the kids as much as anything, but we did make it through eventually. It took what seemed like a lifetime but we are still together and things did get better after about 2 years. Looking back I can’t believe we stayed together, it was bloody awful, and he is now recovered and remembers almost nothing from that time, when the kids mentioned various scenarios where he was horrible etc he is just so sad and remorseful. That in itself is a hard watch. You have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself afloat, and no one can say what that might look like or feel like other than you. Resist feeling guilty about any decision you make, you have got to look after yourself and your children. I really feel for you, our situation was about 15-16 years ago now, and occasionally I do still feel pretty angry but we did make it through which I don’t regret. It’s not for everyone and if a split, temporary or permanent is what it takes, you have to remember that your health is every bit as important. Best of luck to you. X

I agree. Regardless of whether it is out of his control, he isn’t safe around OP. There’d be no quibbling if it were paranoid schizophrenia or other mental illness as to what degree the person is aware and in control so why quibble over the degree of choice and control when it comes to brain damage that can also cause unsafe behaviours?

actualiy, the only thing I would give specific advice on is the forgetting things.

I have a memory like a fucking sieve these days which is why I use blackboards and reminders and Alexa and paper calendars to run my life. I used to have a decent memory.

if he forgets stuff that has been organised then this is something that can be suppprted with - paper calendars or shared calendars, always write everything down, I ask GPs to text me stuff they’ve told me to do etc.

this there is support for if he’s prepared to use it.

It’s not going to get any better OP and I guess it’s not his fault. If you love him enough and can live your life like this then I wish you well otherwise you know what you must do

That's a horrible thing to say. I have been in this situation and had to make the awful choice of living apart. My kids thanked me for it as they got older, they could see dad when he he was well enough and that maintained a relationship that they wouldn't have had if he we did not live apart. They are lovely, strong, kind people who have boundaries in their relationships and will not allow themselves to be abused, spoke down to and treated with a lack of respect. I am so glad that I demostrated to them that no-one deserves abuse through neurological causes.

Note she also said he can be nice to everyone else, so it’s just her that gets the shitty end of the stick. I think that indicates he some degree of control and OP does not deserve to be treated this way.

That is not at all how it works. With a TBI you have very low level before your brain hits black out fatigue. You can just about pass for normal with short social interactions where the rules are rote. Like hello, how are you, some weather we have been having this heat wave, how’s the wife. But then when it’s home and you can’t even think straight you shut down. It’s not about control so much as the energy and cognitive demands are much higher in a relationship than just brief social encounters. Also they’re both getting the shitty end of the stick. No one is benefitting from being brain damaged, including the one with the brain damage. I agree OP doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly and staying isn’t helping her or him, but I think you are not really understanding just how profound brain damage is.

i do not understand your comment. Are you brain damaged is that why you want her to stay?

It can get better. The reason it isn’t is he is in complete denial right now.

This would drive me mad...he probably would need a second brain surgery.

If its his condition causing his bad behaviour, then unfortunately his condition has rendered him incapable of being in a relationship and he should be single.

However, as youve said, he behaves himself around other people. So its probably not his condition causing the behaviour. I believe that pregnancy and having kids can be a turning point towards abusive behaviour.

Either way, whatever the reason for his behaviour, you dont have to stay.