How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

I left. My h had a brain injury and became impossible to live with. He had been getting emotionally abusive before the injury, which I didn’t realise until afterwards. All the good side of him went and all that was left was an abusive man full of hate towards me.

He was fairly ok with the dc and friends but said inappropriate things which he wouldn’t have done before.

I stayed 3 yrs, during which I was his carer, before I eventually knew I couldn’t go on. I had very little help from GP or any of his medical team, I was just left to put up with his behaviour and I became a mess of a person.

My DC ( teens at the time) were hugely affected by his injury, but also his behaviour to me, and are still in therapy 3 yrs on. I should be in therapy but haven’t.

The relief was immediate when we left, but there is still some guilt. It helps that I can now see he wasn’t so lovely before the injury.

You have to put yourself, and your children, first. You are entitled to a good life and if that means not being married to him anymore then that is what you need to do. His behaviour may not be his fault but it is still ruining your life.

I think your plan is very fair, getting advice and giving him a chance to change, but be prepared for him to throw it back at you again.

Dear @whatslardgottodowithit
Really feel for you. Sounds so so hard.

I have a v good friend whose husband had a breakdown when her three kids were young. She asked him to leave and he was about 8 years getting better whilst she brought up the kids. She put them first and they're fabulous adults now.

I left my husband as he had something wrong with him in that he was scared of intimacy. We ended up having no affection at all for years. It was a cold hurtful relationship and i don't regret leaving him.

You have a great plan but if feet are dragged or excuses made, end it - gone are the days when we had to stay in relationships that cause us pain. Good luck x

It's out of his control and I really feel for him. That doesn't mean you have to live with it, your children shouldn't have to live with it either. I'd be speaking to the neurologist to try and get a prognosis. If this isn't going to get better, or there's a chance it will get worse I'd be looking to amicably separate. I've worked with people with brain injuries, some can flip to violence without any warning. When it comes to the safety of you and your DC (including protection of mental health) the sickness and health vow goes out of the window.

I’m so sorry OP. His condition may not be his fault, but that doesn’t mean you have to take this. No I wouldn’t be able to brush this aside, it would wreck me and I would have to leave. You aren’t doing anything wrong if you leave, you aren’t obliged to stay and put up with this xx

I agree with this, but wanted to chime in with an experience of mine. My best friend died of brain cancer.

While she went through many functional and emotional changes as the disease progressed and treatments were applied, her last couple of years were characterised by gentle stoicism, acceptance and love. Except where I was concerned. She literally believed I was a demon. I emanated such poison, she couldn't even bear to have a card I'd sent the kids in her house.

Brains are weird - and they create who/what we are. When it comes down to it, OP's husband is behaving exactly like an abuser and it doesn't matter what caused him to become so. Abuse is always irrational.

I'm very sorry, @whatslardgottodowithit, you are now in an abusive marriage. For your own mental wellbeing, you need to not be in it.

Maybe have a chat with DH doctor about what has been happening, and what the prognosis is for his future; will these behaviours eventually settle down? And ask them if it’s a medical thing if your DH is just behaving badly with one person (i.e you), is this a thing? Get some guidance first, and some recommendations from them on how to help, and then put this to your DH. And see how receptive he is…

A huge proportion of women in prison have suffered traumatic brain injuries from male abuse.

That probably contributes to their criminality. They still get held responsible and put in prison.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8139871/

he can control it as he doesn’t do that to his colleagues or children. I’d think to save the marriage we must live separately now. If he recovers and can not be abusive we can consider getting back together. I’d write him detailed letters and replicate in email to explain how you got here, so when he recovers if he does he has your reasoning not just a memory of abandonment. You cannot live like this. If he loves you when he recovers he will not want you to keep putting yourself in his radius of abuse. If he had an ‘arm tic’ that meant he hit you and just you every time he saw you he’d understand perfectly well once recovered that it meant you cannot be in his presence. This is the same.

If he’s perfectly lovely to other people he is absolutely weaponising his condition against you. Remember abusive husbands can be wonderful work colleagues and nobody suspects a thing.
The days where a woman had to stay with a man because that’s what marriage is are long gone. You have one life and it is short and this is no way to spend your precious years. Please consider leaving. This is miserable and you don’t deserve it. The neurological condition is an excuse. I would put money on it.

This sounds awful. He’s abusive but also clearly very unwell. You don’t have to stay with him @whatslardgottodowithit

Call Headway charity. Speak to women’s aid. You can be a kind person and also leave…

He sounds very unwell and I suspect it will get worse. You really don’t have to tolerate a terrible quality of life with someone who abuses you just because he might be ill. I wondered if he had dementia…

Brain injury or no, I would not subject myself and my kids to a lifetime of that behaviour.

Leave him now. It's unfortunate for him that he is unbearable and surgery made him more so, but you're not his nanny, mummy or caregiver. You have a right to a safe and happy life.

And you do not have the right to subject your children to this.

Leave.

It's verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

I am sorry he has neurological issues but what kind of example are the kids getting? That a medical issue makes abusive behavior okay?

You and your children deserve a life of love, peace, zero abuse and mental health. There, you have none of those things.

Think about what you and your children deserve and take it from there. I know what I and many others would do.

I could not live like that. I am desperately sorry that his neurological condition is ruining his life; I know he did not ask for it. But that doesn't mean it has to ruin yours too. You have kids. Somebody needs to stay sane for them.

So are you suggesting that OP just puts up with this ongoing character assassination indefinitely? If the shoe was on the other foot I'm sure that her DH would have simply fucked off long ago. It's very sad that he is ill but it isn't OP's fault and she and her children deserve much better than this.

Regarding ’What if it’s me?’

1. It’s not.
2. Even it if were, you still shouldn’t be together.

I don't think it has to be deliberate to be abusive. Your DH is brain injured and cannot help himself, but the effect on you is the same as if he were being consciously abusive. You can't reason yourself out of responding like this any more than he can.

This sounds like more than normal relationship problems. Brain surgery can affect personality and emotional control, so I would let his neurology team know how much he's changed. At the same time, don't ignore your own wellbeing. You deserve to feel safe and respected at home.

Definitely this... I'm so sorry you're going through this @whatslardgottodowithit

Please contact Headway... This isnr that unusual

Brain injury or not, I couldn't live the rest of my life being someone's verbal punchbag.

If this is the best it will be, I would draw a line and separate.

It's really sad that you seem to be holding out for him to improve his behaviour toward you, when it seems clear that it's unsalvagable.

As an example, you call him a great dad, but a great dad would treat the children's mother with respect. You're not even getting basic civility from him. It sounds like he treats strangers in the street with more thought.

You can hope that the children aren't aware of the worst things he says and does to you, but like it or not you're modelling "how mummies and daddies treat each other" / "what happens in a marriage" and this is your children's version of normal.

The fact that he treats you worse than others shows that he has some control over this.

I would ask yourself, if your children found themselves in a similar relationship would you want them to stay? You have to do the same for yourself.

You can say "oh but it's so unlikely that my child's partner has a neurological illness that isn't their fault". How do you ensure they don't feel it's normal to allow themselves to be second best to someone being abusive due to other "reasons" that also "aren't their fault"?

This site is littered with stories of people who put up with low-level disrespect from their partners because they thought it was best to stay for the children, then by the time said children are teenagers they are now being disrespectful and abusive to their mothers too. Watching your primary carer being in a relationship like this can really mess children up.

You deserve a decent quality of life. This isn't it.

It's unfortunate because it sounds like he isn't responsible for the change in his personality. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate the intolerable.

I'm afraid I'd seriously be considering divorce. Because this could be the person he is now....for the rest of his life. And you didn't marry this version of him.

*edited for clarity

You need to safeguard your own physical and emotional well-being, and that of any other family involved. It might be time to get your ducks in a row.

For your sanity you need to live separately.
this sounds so awful and intolerable.
He May recover one day but in the
meantime you have to
protect yourself.

So he only chooses to be abusive to you?
I suspect he knows exactly what he’s doing OP.