How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

I am a woman who finds the glib "leave the bastard" posting tone totally sickening

The traditional follow up is "I just hope it never happens to you!" but tbh I don't hope that at all

Having brain damage means you can't regulate your emotions or behaviour

So that would mean the DH would also verbally lash out at the children, other family members and work colleagues ? Isn't it a little odd that he can regulate with everyone else and not with one particular person ?

It has.

i have brain damage.

there’s lots of different kinds of brain damage and there’s lots of different ways that the brain can try to recover.

it really it not the case that any sort of brain damage means that the person is totally unable to regulate their emotions or their behaviour.

If your husband is perfectly normal with your children and other people but not you, then he has control over his behaviour. Therefore he's choosing to behave cruelly towards you and treat you badly.

Yes, a brain injury (regardless of the reason) can cause a personality change. The bain is amazing and can heal, but it can only heal to far.

Your husband is being abusive towards you. You don't have to stay married to him, and I'd urge you to find the strength to end the marriage.

It was a very hard watch. So sad for everyone involved.

But the "stay with your abusive husband" tone is much more acceptable.....

It's not masking to be a cunt to your wife and nice to your kids. That's abusive and choice behaviour.

Do you think your point of view is so important that it needs to be repeated so many times in one thread? You've said your piece, I'm sure the OP will consider it alongside the other advice.

Why do you feel the need to dominate the thread by spamming it with the same thing over and over again? Are you a horrible bully like the OP's husband?

Absolutely, and I also agree with your earlier point around masking. I had a relative that was charming to anyone and horrendous to his spouse. Was entirely down to how he perceived "norms" and losing the ability to self regulate at home

But. That doesn't mean the spouse has to put up with abuse. It doesn't mean that they should make themselves ill trying to make everything ok. It is perfectly possible to love your OH, recognise they are ill and still need to leave for your own welfare and that of your kids. What makes these decisions so tough, is that they are rarely binary and so challenging.

How much damage (physical and or emotional) would you consider acceptable to your children then?

or are you saying you’d get your kids fostered or adopted away from it?

(in replying please note I have both brain damage and a severe neurological disease. Like fuck do I want pity).

If I became this abusive to my husband over a sustained period and refused help, I hope he would indeed leave me.

But he doesn’t seem happy, she’s not happy, the kids are growing up in that environment. It’s possible for something to be no one’s fault and simultaneously not a liveable situation.

Marriage is important but not to the detriment of multiple lives. If someone’s personality materially changes and their behaviour to their spouse is unpleasant, abusive, affecting their own wellbeing, then that person shouldn’t feel forced to remain with them for the rest of their life. The conditions have changed so substantially that the marriage ‘contract’ is no longer valid. It’s sad that it may be through no one’s fault, but that doesn’t change the outcome unfortunately.

Funnily enough - me and my daughters had this discussion, we all agreed none of us will provide care for eachother, we will all be doing a Swiss exit, or in my case sourcing as much diazepam to make myself tolerable, and no other medical intervention whatsoever. We've all seen what end of life and care looks like, and what it costs.

Some things you can choose.

Absolutely agree. I've had a brain injury, and I can regulate my emotions and control them. A brain injury is a generic term, that can cover so many different types of injuries to the brain.

I’d say mainly just me - but I know at work when he’s been in one of these moods, that is has simmered over into staff as well. He perceives more wrong doing, and complains about them more, and has had a few ‘unprofessional’ arguments more than he normally would.

My plan is to do this too but I know dozens of people who had the same idea and zero who went through with it when reality was breathing down their necks. If brain is what goes first you're screwed.

Are you always this kind?

I wish you all the best.

Dumping someone you once claimed to love because their most essential organ was damaged doesn't make you kind. Which I'm sure you know.

@CurdinHenry - you are aware of course that your DH might not feel the same way? In fact most husbands leave at the first whiff of a cancer diagnosis - something to think about, but of course you're entitled to think and judge how you wish.

Well, it's time you did.

This is no way to live, for either of you. Bluntly, the man you married is no longer there. The man in front of you is a complete fucking stranger who bears an uncanny physical resemblance to the man you married, that's all.

You are hanging on in there, thinking your husband will come back. It's very doubtful. Can you really go on like this for the rest of your life? Did your hert sink when you read that last sentence?

You say he's a good dad to your children - he isn't. He is letting them grow up in a household where they will observe and absorb. Don't kid yourself they are oblivious to their mother being treated so awfully - they will be aware. They might not voice it, but they will see it and hear it and they will remember.They may learn that this is how you are to be treated by them too, they may learn that this is how their future partners are to be treated / are to treat them. So if you won't leave him for your own sake, you need to leave him for theirs.

Abusing your partner doesn't make you kind either.

Remember Jamie Cracknell went through a similar thing. See article . My ex husband acted like yours but he didn't have any known brain injury.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jun/24/james-cracknell-olympic-rower-catastrophe-comas-comebacks-tories-partygate

What a nightmare for you OP. And it seems that the neurosurgery made his mood and cognition worse not better? May I ask what exactly the surgery was?

She is not asking for fun she is asking not to be abused. You have to be a man.

I am a woman with a brain capable of being damaged.