NC for this. Sorry so long.
Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.
I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).
Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.
He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.
eg.
- Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
- Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
- Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
- He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
- He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
- Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).
The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).
I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.
Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?
Please help me x
ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.