How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

Sorry, had to sort out one of the DC and lost track of the responses. I just want to say I’ve read every single one, and really appreciate you all taking time to reply. I know there are some different opinions, and a general consensus, which is really valuable and validating, after spending so long feeling like it’s all me. I also appreciate the concerns re. the DC as I know as much as I try and shield them, I can’t and I do worry about them so much.

1. I am going to give Headway a call
2. Write a list of what I need to happen in order to feel safe / stable / happy again in this. I will wait until he seems out of this mood (a few days maybe) and ask him to sit down and discuss. I think writing it down will help.
3. I will also be telling him that I think in order for him ‘recover’ he is going to need additional help (therapy, meds etc) and ask for his permission to contact his neurologist team to raise my concerns with.

If he refuses to hear or listen, or reverts back to blaming me, then I know I’ve tried my best and I don’t have another option. I do know I can’t go on like this and I know I am strong enough to make the decision if the above isn’t done.

thank you all so much ❤️

So I fully agree about him not weaponising things. That there is a lot he can’t control etc…
That actually he is disabled.

However, the fact he is disabled and can’t cintrol his outburst does not mean the OP has to stay with him. It doesn’t mean she has to be his punching bag. It doesn’t mean she should cope with hurtful behaviour.

And it also doesn’t mean that their two children should live in that environment.

Saying that as a disabled person btw,

Yes. It is abusive. Obviously due the brain injury he may not be doing it intentionally but it is still abuse and living in constant fear of psychological harm can have a very negative impact on your health and wellbeing.

I think it would be good to find out if there are any changes or learning he could do to change but otherwise I think you’d be better off apart. Sorry.

I agree. It’s not good for her or the kids and he might feel calmer and better off living alone too. May be they could then have a friendship. The kids need to know that it’s not ok and it’s his brain injury not their fault (kids always think it’s their fault).

@whatslardgottodowithit you sound very level headed.
Its Akso very clear you care about your dh and really want to make this work.

Your plan sounds good.
And as you say, if he refuses to do somethimg, then you know.

My inky word of caution is if he says ‘Yes I’ll contact neurosurgeon/neuropsychiatrist’ and then it takes months first an appointment. And things don’t quite work out.
I feel knowing what you red lines are, as you said, what you need to be ok in that relationship is important. It’s important now and later too. If write them all diwn and refer back to them regularly. Have an idea about how long you can wait and when you are going to move on anyway. The danger is to get hooked on hope ‘this might work or that. It takes time’ etc… which won’t help you either.

Being married doesn't mean you need to put up with abuse. Would you be saying the same if it was physical or sexual and not 'just' emotional abuse?
OP's husband isn't being very loving to her either, no? Especially as he can be civil to others while being vile to her.

Does he always have self control around these other family members? If so, his behaviour is not necessarily linked to his neurological condition. If he lacked insight and was disinhibited due to neurological impairment you would not see a vast difference in different contexts.

Pfft my exH often got like this and he was perfectly healthy brain wise.

You have repeatedly said that you think anyone who would leave in this situation and break their vows is worthless.

You haven't answered the question of what you would do if there are children in the situation, despite being asked directly. It is an entirely different proposition to stay with a partner, than it is to stay and parent with a partner when there are children involved.

You don’t deserve this. Leave.

If he lacked insight and was disinhibited due to neurological impairment you would not see a vast difference in different contexts.

That is not true. Brain damage is not disinhibition. And yes you could see a vast difference in different contexts.

There clearly is choice and control if as OP says he’s perfectly lovely around other people and saves his vitriol for her.

A brilliant dad doesn’t treat his kids’ mum like shit. If his behaviour is impacting your wellbeing, then he’s not a brilliant dad.

Brain damage absolutely does cause disinhibition. My mum had vascular dementia and the further it progressed and caused damage to different areas of her brain, the more disinhibited her behaviour became. The neurologist explained that there are different types of disinhibition, depending on which areas of brain function are affected.

@CurdinHenry
It is easy to say you would never leave your spouse but you just don’t know what could transpire. Brain injuries and neurological degenerative conditions can cause complete personality changes. What if he became verbally aggressive, violent or sexually assaulted you or your child?
The fact that the OP’s husband only subjects her to this abusive behaviour and is a nice aspire to everyone else.
You don’t know what you would do until you’re in that situation.

What if you read OP’s posts properly and realise that he isn’t treating other people this way - he’s fine in work, with strangers and with family. The nasty stuff is saved for her. That’s not down to brain damage, that’s a conscious choice.

Sounds like a combination of things- his brain injury, but also previously unexpressed niggles with your behaviour and character. I think I would just be honest with him- I know it may be partly your neurological issues but you can't keep dealing with every issue by assasinating my character- if you do truly feel I have so many flaws we would be better off seperating.

To the virtue signallers who think the OP should stay at all costs, replace verbal abuse with physical violence and then tell us if someone should have to stay and put up with that because they’re married and the person apparently can’t help it.

Where is the line drawn? Is abuse of the kids ok? Physical? Verbal? Sexual?

Abuse of the OP?

If you had a friend or acquaintance who behaved like that you wouldn’t stick around to be abused but marriage apparently means till death us do part, presumably even if that death is the partner who is beaten to death by the brain damaged partner?

No? Didn’t think so.

To be honest whether it’s deliberate or not is irrelevant.. It’s entirely possible that because it’s a neurological condition he is masking and so the OP is his “safe space” where he feels able to not do so. So in that regard it is possible that this is the condition and not targeted abuse. But that still doesn’t make it ok or obligate the OP to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse regardless of the reasons why it happens. There can be explanations as to why, but there are certainly no justifications, and no obligations for the victim to stay in the situation.

I could write similar: my DH has long covid and is like Jekyll and Hyde. But he can’t see it and when I tell him about the bad nasty bits he thinks I’m making it up or attacking him. But he’s wonderful to others and ignores me in between pretty much what you’ve written.

Ok, let me state this better. Firstly, disinhibition definitely can be a feature of various neurological conditions, especially where there is frontal lobe damage. Secondly, even though behaviour is variable across contexts, subject to various triggers that affect both neurologically typical and impaired people, in a person with inhibition difficulties you would expect some leakage in a range of situations when those triggers get too much. If @whatslardgottodowithit's husband can demonstrate good emotional control everywhere except with her on some level he is choosing not to value or respect her.

It’s one thing being irritable and irrational and snappy and agressive and confused, it’s a whole other thing giving someone the silent treatment. I’ve cared for a loved one after multiple strokes and another loved one in the midst of psychosis and there was never planned, intentional and manipulative meanness.

You need to list and name the abusive behaviours specifically and ask any professional or charity who will listen if this is normal or expected for his neuro problems.

He is ill. But op shouldn't need to put up with it regardless.

It sounds like you’re also in an abusive marriage I’m afraid.

Absolutely this.

Are you actually putting this forward as an explanation as to why everyone else is treated with respect but the OP gets the shitty end of the stick every time ? Because it’s bullshit.