How can I cope with DHs behaviour after neurosurgery?

[whatslardgottodowithit]

NC for this. Sorry so long.

Shortly after wedding, DH developed a neurological issue - was awful for us all. Became irritable, argumentative, sometimes mean, less patient (not just noticed by me - even caused issues at work) and struggled with memory. Been ‘reassured’ by all doctors it’s likely due to heavy medication, seizures, brain condition etc.

I’m sure I changed too (2 young DC). No affection or sex in years (both responsible - likely stress, DC, medication effects - I would like to resume but not with someone who treats me this way).

Anyway, we’ve tried to work through. Couples therapy, I’m on antidepressants, HRT (for PMDD) and individual therapy and have done everything to better myself and ‘change’ so I can manage his ‘changes’ better.

He underwent neurosurgery a year ago - things are much worse. The main issue he has absolutely no ability to deal with conflict, and he is extremely irritable. It happens roughly once a fortnight, and the silent treatment will last days. The tension and anxiety is slowly destroying me. He acts like he genuinely dislikes me, and has done some very wierd things.

eg.

• Shouting at me to stop talking by calling me by my birth name (like being scolded by a parent when I was 7 - even they don't call me it)
• Speaking into chatgpt whilst stood next to me, reeling off my perceived faults whilst im stood there looking incredulous
• Often tells me HE KNOWS im feeling or acting a certain way, and that my reason is wrong. eg. Stop crying, your only crying because you know your wrong / you're only crying because your embarrassed about your behaviour / I know why you're really upset, its not becuase of me, its because of XYZ...(laughable and totally unrelated to anything) - refusing to accept it could be him.
• He often flatly denies saying things I clearly remember. If I say, "You called me X" he'll say he never did, that i'm making things up. He flat out denies it, and then I'm left with no where to go.
• He weaponises things I've struggled with (eg. kids not behvaing) against me, ie. 'Youre not upset with me, it’s because you cant cope with the kids, just admit, look at you'
• Has become ‘obsessed’ that I a) don’t support his work and b) don’t do enough around the house (this was never raised in all the years together prior to surgery - and is fundamentally not true).

The way arguments go - whatever the issue is, he responds with an attack on my flaws as a human being. It’s always an attack on my character. He never tried to resolve it, and would happily let it fester for days and slowly go back to ‘normal’. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, and then often uses his lack of wrongdoing as more ‘proof’ I’m in the wrong (yet can’t tell me what I’ve done wrong, just general character flaws that aren’t true).

I’m not perfect, I could definitely be more organised, am probably quite Type B, but I have put up with a hell of a lot. I never question him, say no to his work demands, ask him to do anything, have changed a lot about myself, always help him with work issues, I work, organise all finances, holidays, kids stuff, food.

Would most people be able to cope with it and brush it off? How do you live and sit with the anxiety of silent treatment whilst also seething inside? How would you address it?

Please help me x

ps. If he sees this he will be furious so may ask to be deleted. Sorry in advance if so.

No, he is perfectly normal and a great dad to them. He’s never angry or shouty and usually remains calm even when in one of these moods.

Does dh behave like this towards any one else or is it just you?
Because if it's just you, it's not his neurological condition or surgery. He's just an abusive arse hole.

You need to leave

I agree. I am going to have to lay it out plainly. Thank you x

I'd leave.
He is making you very unhappy,and possible depressed and you are now on medication. He is dragging you down to his murky depths. It doesn't matter that he has developed this new personality through illness. You have one life and so do your children. Leave now.

I thought of this documentary too. It’s Louis Theroux: A Different Brain and is on Netflix. The woman and her husband’s story, with their little boy, is very hard to watch but I think there are a lot of parallels with your situation, OP.

What if the children get brain damage as adults and their husbands or wives bin them off because they're no longer fun? What is they never get married because they know marriage is a temporary sham for superficial fun chasers?

OP

It could be argued that staying with him and will have far reaching effects on your children that will
follis them into their adulthoods and their relationships. What are you both modelling to your kids here relationship wise?.

You cannot afford to spend the next 3 months, let alone 3-5 years hoping that things will get better. This is how it is now and he’s showing no indication of change. Has he ever apologised or accepted any responsibility for his actions?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It’s a question that you need to think about.

@whatslardgottodowithit he is clearly ill, and there is a substantial chance this is down to his neurological condition. The chances are it may not improve, and you need to decide what is right for you and your DC.

While I admire your determination to make this work, this isn't something you can make right. Some times life is just like that and the options open to us are just hard whichever way you look. What I can promise you, is your DC don't deserve or need both parents to be broken by this, and you need to consider what sort of home life you want them to have. Even if you are trying to keep it from them, the reality is kids are perceptive and know when something is up.

If you don't feel ready to up and leave, a trial separation may be worth considering. If after that you can't face going back, you know what the right thing to do is.

Make sure you have your plans in place, your support crew around you and then give yourself a break. You cannot keep this up for your own sake, as much as the childrens.

Op in my case although I am in the one with the neurological disorder he was the abusive one.

he didn’t cope well with me needing to rest and not being able to do things I had been able to do. He didn’t cope well with me having to use a wheelchair and him having to adjust around my needs rather than his wants being high priority.

he totally failed to pick up the slack around the house and our kids got good at doing their own washing and sorting their own food (thankfully they were early teens and had done a lot of cubs/brownie badges etc).

I left him eventually after he hurt our daughter one evening after spending the evening drinking because “his life was so shit”.

I have a neurological disease. I choose not to inflict my fears and anxieties and my suffering on my family.

some brain injuries and neurological disorders will absolutely lead to violent behaviour and mood swings etc. but you do not have to stay around this behaviour and it genuinely really does impact your kids.

get advice from a charity familiar with the condition and make an informed choice. He may (may!) be prepared to try to change with help from appropriate counsellors (although they are hard to find).

This is abusive and no neurological issue excuses it.
It does sound like someone who has little ability to regulate emotions or see reality. There's nothing you can do to make him better.

I think it would be best if you separate.

Yeah this what says it’s not the condition.

Yes he is emotionally abusing you.

I would be planning to divorce him @whatslardgottodowithit it's no way to live the way he is treating you, whatever the reason.

There's sick and there's being an abuser. This guy is abusive; he can turn on and off the mood depending on who he is speaking to.

Famously people with neurological conditions can mask up to a point

On the neurology point, I think it's a bit nuanced, DH in the early stages could mask to an extent, he did work and was in a senior enough role that being a grade A arsehole was.seen as a strength although line management was removed, however we got a full whack of it at home and it did progress - to the point of shoving a very small elderly lady into the road because they were in his way.

One thing which helped massively was getting very high quality counselling from a supervised clinical psychologist - I credit them with helping me get through the experience in one piece, if this is an option available through a clinical team it's well worth it.

Having brain damage means you can't regulate your emotions or behaviour

One day it might happen to you

He is giving his children mixed messages by being nicey nicey to them whilst being awful to you as their mother at the same time. He is certainly teaching them damaging lessons about relationships which will follow them into their own adult romantic relationships.

It’s emotional abuse from him and you and in turn them are affected by this.

What if the children get brain damage as adults and they bin off their husband because he’s a grade A abusive shit?

I’ll always regret staying with my h so long after my diagnosis. My DS developed a dissociative disorder at least in part due to his dad’s scary behaviour and my dd is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

how much damage to children should be accepted before dissolving the marriage is acceptable?

Maybe you should lean into that 'announcement', and follow through with the divorce? Don't mean to be flippant - but whatever the cause of it, if it is not temporary, this is no way to live. It will do damage not just to you but also to your children.

I have experience thanks.

You can't turn on and off regulation. If he's a twat to OP and fine to the kids, he's abusive. His behaviour can be abusive even without it being his fault. In this case, he sounds at fault.

If my husband were in this situation I would feel the deepest despair and I have nothing but compassion for op

I would never leave him because I married him and that means promising to care for someone for the rest of your life

Anyone who bins off such a promise readily is a worthless person in my eyes

Are you the OP's husband? You've posted about 6 times now and seem quite invested in keeping her where she is, miserable and abused. What's behind your agenda?

ETA: make that 8 times

You can mask sometimes, up to a point, until the energy runs out