The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers I have never been in that situation really.
MrX had an ex but their DD was 21 when they met. He messaged the Mum a bit but only if there were reasons. I think she kept him at arm's length which I get.

I totally agree about your ex's partner, she was his affair partner so "as she sows" frankly.

As I've bored you all with...constant texting, tracking the partner down on fb, looking at him like a dog looks like a bone, asking the partner for photos, 1:1 drinks at hers...and zero kids in the picture - does not feel appropriate 🙃

You have NOT bored us.

Planes' relationship with his ex was so far out of line the line wasn't even visible any more - even if they had had kids together, I don't think that would have begun to justify it. To add insult to injury, she also sounds like quite a rancid person, morally speaking.....

Wow this thread moves fast!

@Mildred007 @MsJinks @BellaBlackberry83 Yes the pop star. He’s not my ‘ultimate hot man’ type but objectively not bad-looking and the supermarket guy certainly looked like an improved version of him. What’s more, he looked like he knew what one does at a supermarket! Buying proper food, even veg!

I did think about approaching as he was alone and I was feeling positively giddy. However whenever our paths crossed he looked down as opposed to making eye contact, so that didn’t seem like a good sign. Plus it was a busy shopping day, so being discreet was quite hard with 3 others battling behind you to access the fridge while you muster up the courage to flirt!

Would you ever go on a supermarket singles night? That’s the main place where I’m currently scouting for guys anyway 🙈

Other than that I’ve basically given up. I just don’t think I’m interested enough in finding love to look for it and even refrain from actively pushing it away.

@BellaBlackberry83 what do you think the first date pics are for? It’s got ‘one for the group chat’ written all over it for me

I don't like to blame women, in general, but I'm not convinced she's the nicest.

I just wanted to run away the one time I met her.

I don't think it's just planes, she is overly involved with a friend's husband too. According to her 🙃

I matched with someone and swapped a few messages but that seems to have died of death.

On the subject of fathers not having anything to do with their children, I'm in that situation. I had a really bad breakup from my daughter's mother (she had an affair), both daughters lived with ex, but eldest wanted to live with me, which in the end she did, the youngest stayed with her mum, but from the day the eldest moved in with me the youngest has refused to have anything to do with me, although she still she's my parents (her grandparents) regularly. I have a very good relationship with my eldest. So how would you all view that, out of curiosity.

Oh exes and co-parenting. Something my disastrous 2 marriages never led to personally - which is unfortunate for the kids. Whilst I call them disastrous- and they were - in fact first ended with me in a refuge - I don’t slag my exes off to new dates (or people really) - I don’t mention how they ended either, for a good while till I know someone. I think there’s always a bit of 2 sides tbf, however bad one partner could be - however as these were both over 30 years ago perhaps distance has helped here - it’s like a different life. @MrFlintstone- key thing is not to slate daughter or mother - maybe don’t mention it to start either really if avoidable. I hope things sort out better in the long run.

I think it’s great Mr T, with very adult kids, spends lots of time with kids/grandkids and at bigger events, such as birthdays, the Mum will be there as well - to my mind it’s actually only those 2 (Mr T and ex wife) who will care the same way and have same feelings re milestones for their joint kids. As they divorced a while ago, and I never get a smidgen of doubt that either regret that then maybe that makes it easier.

I knew a very close co parenting couple - still did Xmas together and lots of stuff and their partners attended too - I know one of the guy’s early on partners found this hard - probably as the split couple got on so well (I worked with both of them) - but they were genuinely friends and not interested in being back together. I understood the feeling of uncomfortable but thought it was all lovely for the kids - I am though honestly not sure how I’d have handled similar.
My daughter co parents amicably and they still chat in general too and tbf he did try to get back with her a couple of years after splitting - but they both moved on since - sometimes I guess it just feels ‘easy’ at the time to try again if you’re both single.

@Ilovelurchers- I think your co parenting sounds absolutely great - you’re definitely right not to worry what his on/off woman thinks - if it were different with his new partner I’d still not worry as your kid benefits and it is for him to reassure his partner it’s just co parenting. I think that’s the key tbh - letting any partner either have be confident they are your choice.

Had a dream about my ex and woke up feeling absolutely terrible. Does this happen to anyone else?

There are, weirdly to me considering, some women who live their life around men, getting men, being ‘besties’ with men and making a point they are that bestie and you never will be.

This woman sounds exactly like a couple of women I have known - no female friends in end as too many got shafted along the man trail. They weren’t happy last I knew - but never seemed to recognise why.

You can’t fix or change this behaviour- but the guys in question can fix or change how they respond to it. Planes, and probably others maybe, liked the attention too much to put a stop to it I think.

And you are never boring! Jeez don’t even think that and so don’t stop posting - it’s a hard road - it’s the loss of what you thought you were getting really more than the reality of the plane crash man himself.

We’ve all been there - some break ups hit us impossibly hard and we aren’t sure why - but it’ll be tied up with other stuff probably- maybe it’s a bit of Mr X - two idiots in a row is so unfair and depressing and you didn’t deserve that.

You’re doing really well about it all - tbh I’d have probably chased still - all fine and dandy with advice till I have to take it myself lol! I pretend I have better boundaries now but it’s probably a lot to do with being able to have them as Mr T is a nice guy. So I’m in awe at you tbh and know it will get easier in time for you too 💗

I am always really interested in 'How' men tell me something, & the words they use.
So with a man I mentioned on here previously, he didn't see one child because the mother is toxic & the child is also toxic. No sadness about it, just matter of fact. Instant No.

Whereas if things were explained how you've just said it then that wouldn't put me off at all.

I don't judge men for saying they had a bad relationship, it's again, the words they use. If they then go on a rant listing all of the things that their ex did to them, then that's just not needed.

As a potential date I'd take a watching brief on that.

No disrespect to you because clearly everything you're saying may be true

I'd wonder if your daughters had different info
If they just had different relationships with both parents to start with, and why
If there were events leading to the affair that coloured their views
If maybe it's as much about your daughters' relationship with each other

Not a red flag but added to anything else complex it might be a worry.

Yes that last bit nailed it.

If your partner makes it clear that you are everything they want romantically then nothing else is such an issue.

Yes. Are you feeling any better now?

@Ilovelurchers sorry to hear you’re a bit down on things and an impossible dream - I have a couple of friends for whom it seems similar and it’s heartbreaking as they are strong, beautiful and confident women as I’m sure you are 💪. I almost feel bad for having met someone on the apps given their journeys have been a lot longer than mine 🙈

When I swiped on my Partner it wasn’t complete ‘lust’ but he quickly became my favourite person who I want to spend time with and it’s so easy and comfortable (now with plenty of fireworks 😂). 14 months in and it’s still the same which is just lush (and totally unexpected!)

My ex and I are very close as friends - we spent 6 years post split single (he tried to date unsuccessfully lol) so no one else to consider and luckily now he has also met someone so that’s really good. We still spend time as a 4 and are going out for dinner on Saturday as my eldest is returning from an extended trip abroad. My Partner is secure in what we have and I refuse to change the new ‘family’ dynamic we moved into - being respectful and kind is huge to me and for the kids to see it is good I think (obviously any kind of abuse/nasty split would be a different kettle of fish).

lovely to hear MrPhysics and Mr CleanShirt are being lovely and hopefully @BoxOfCats MrCharismatic sees what he has in front of him.

Well done @Nosdacariad on staying strong - Planes is most definitely a PlaneCrash to be avoided!

Thanks @MsJinks I think if I chase I'll end up in the harem and he has a physical presence, brains and selective charm to offer but absolutely nothing else.

Eta quoted wrong post, sorry.

Not really . My son has gone to his dads for 2 weeks now too .

No chasing @Nosdacariad. You're making amazing progress x

Sorry @TheThingOnTheIce

@CleanShirt it hasn't stopped me talking to people who live in his village...

@Ilovelurchers for you and any of us that needs it

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1baYpJfcX9/

This link really resonates - thank you! X

To be entirely honest, as others have said it depends on how you talked about it.

If my daughter refused to see me that would be one of the worst things I could possibly imagine happening to me - I would do everything possible in my power to resolve things between us.

If you expressed similar sentiments, that would make sense and I would feel a lot of sympathy for you.

Whereas if you didn't seem too bothered, or were waiting for someone else to resolve it for you, I guess that would be the red flag.

I hope that doesn't sound unkind - just trying to be totally honest.

No you're not sounding unkind, honesty is always the best policy I find. I wanted honest opinions, that's why I put it out there. And I appreciate everyone's opinion, as we all look at things differently.

@MrFlintstone - I completely agree with the others. It's an amber flag, and any decent woman would be alive to it as an issue. But we are all adults, with complicated lives and histories.

It is how you talk about the situation and the people involved that would make me decide if I wanted to take things further.

Mr P's co-parenting relationship is not without its complications but (a) he is only really now starting to open up to me about it (we have been dating pretty intensely for about six weeks now) and (b) he always speaks respectfully about his ex, even in situations which are obviously painful (and frankly, from my perspective, fucking unfair).

Hmm, so as I said, I have been winding down most of my chats in preparation for having a short break from OLD for a couple of weeks - but there is one match on Hinge whose profile was a bit quirky so I thought I would poke a bit further rather than unmatching straight away. I have asked what work he does a couple of times. First time he ignored it, the second time he has just told me he "surfs, travels, and is learning a few chords on the guitar".

Do any of those sound like a job to you guys???

No although I was chatting to a woman at a party who described her job as

"Sitting on the sofa watching tv"

She was a tv critic (this was 90s).

Ideal job - where are these advertised? Lol

Is he old enough to be retired early? Or young enough to be an influencer? He must have some cash to travel - and buy guitars and surf boards? Perhaps you found a millionaire 😳

Have you any other chats remaining?

A break is often good though I think - as long as you have stuff to enjoy - hope you have 💗