The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Right, I think I’m officially done! Messaging Mr Vroom earlier and he asked what I was doing tomorrow night (tonight now I suppose, Saturday). Then he said he’s meeting a friend for a few drinks and would be good to meet up, although he can’t guarantee he won’t extend his time with his friend! I obviously told him that, no I would not be sitting around waiting for his message 🙄 He then asked if I would pick him up at the end of his night instead!!! As if I’m some sort of taxi service who will then just happen to fall over his threshold and into his bed, no doubt 😡 I basically gave him a piece of my mind and told him in no uncertain terms would that be happening and I deserve way better. His response? “Oh god”. He’s now been blocked.

Wtf is wrong with these men?? Just when I think I’ve heard it all between my own experiences and all of ours, another absolute blinder pops up.

Where is satan when I need him?!

That definitely takes the piss. What a disappointment!

@empirebiscuits12 I thought of you yesterday - I saw a biker with "Satan's Slaves" written on his jacket.

Mr Vroom is unbelievable 😱

@empirebiscuits12 Omg, the entitlement! I’m shocked!!

Satan sounds hot… 🔥

Fucking Hell - that really takes the biscuit! (Sorry....l

Seriously, what a cock. I wonder whether this kind of approach ever works? Are there women who would provide a guy with a lift, having never met him?

His arrogance is off the scale, to think this would work with anyone, and especially somebody as quality and prize-like as you. .

Lob him into the bin with all the force you can muster.

And I hope you are OK, lovely. These disappointments, they can start to get us down after a while...... X

@Ilovelurchers is today speed dating day?

It is - obviously I am hoping the devil is getting his Tuxedo dry cleaned and ready for action!

I'm really interested to see what it is going to be like - I think my main concern (having read some reviews of events by the same organisers) is that there may not be enough people present - if so, they apparently sometimes combine the different age groups.

I'm concerned about having to witness some 25 year Old's dawning look of horror, when he realises he has to make 3 minutes of stilted conversation with me, in all my menopausal glory! 🤣

He might think his luck's in!

I hope you have a fabby time.

Hello! New to the dating thread. Could do with opinions on this situation.

Got a second date planned in for Monday. The first date last weekend was fantastic. He asked me midway through if he could see me again, and reiterated that at the end of the date, saying that he would get in touch the following day to arrange, which he did.

We'd confirmed the plans by Wednesday lunchtime due to diary wrangling and I've not heard from him since then. He did tell me he's not a texter and he prefers face to face. He also had plans every night this week and it's been his birthday. Seems emotionally intelligent and we had a deep chat on the date. Wasn't texting loads even before the date, but he articulated that early and quickly. I haven't messaged him for chit chat either, thr conversation thread concluded when we confirmed a date.

My brain is telling me that he's withdrawing. But he's followed through on everything he said he would do, said he isn't keen on being on his phone and instigated plans. Am I being anxious for no reason? Not sure if it's previous experiences here.

I have no advice I'm afraid but I'm currently in a very similar position with Mr Spa so am interested in what others say. We've our second date tonight.

Hi, welcome to the thread! It's a brilliant thread in my opinion, full of lovely, wise, funny, non-judgemental people and I have gained so much from it.....

As for your dilemma - I can understand your mixed feelings. It sounds like the comms between you have been pretty functional/transactional to date - and you are both largely comfortable with that? So it's possible that he feels now the date has been arranged, there is no need for further communication.

However, such absolute silence for a relatively prolonged period is bound to make you unsettled, especially so early on in your relationship with him.

What I would do (and I am absolutely no relationships expert, believe you me!) is send a clarification question about the date, just to check he is still mentally checked in and aiming to follow through.

This could be anything - about the location, about what to wear (if that's plausible - if it's somewhere you haven't been before). Possibly even ask to move the date by a short period of time - bring it half an hour earlier or later.

I realise it's very slightly manipulative, but to be honest it's an easy , low risk way of making sure he is still on board, which could save you days of further pointless agonising.

Just make sure you send something that requires an answer from him.......

If you don't like this, to be honest I think it's fine to send "Just double checking we are still on for Monday" - any bloke who would be out off by something like that is really not worth your time and energy, anyway......

Welcome @Softly33 😁

Lurchers covered it - I have started saying "please confirm on the day" but I don't always remember x

Do you pay much attention to someone’s relationship history?

The last person I dated had been single six years and not got past the 3-4 month mark with anyone since. Before that he had four relationships all under 5 years each.

Wondering if I should side step anyone with that sort of pattern in future?

@Betsy95 what made your relationship with him end? Was it something he did that became progressively more unbearable as time went on? Or was it him who showed signs of inability to compromise/not wanting to settle down etc? Lots of short relationships seems like that person is not well willing to adapt, or is constantly looking for the next new thing etc.

Having said that, long relationships are not necessarily a sign of long-term happiness! I went out briefly with someone who had been married for over 30 years but I quickly recognised he was emotionally abusive. His poor ex-wife, however...

@Softly33 welcome! @Ilovelurchers nailed it.

Things had been going ok but the effort had been lopsided in my opinion, like he asked me to be his girlfriend then slipped into taking it for granted. I’d put loads of effort into a birthday date and gift. 3 days later he said he would call and forgot then sent a half hearted message apologising, I raised that things felt more casual than progressing relationship and I wanted more balance of effort … and he ended it.

Hmmm, how old is he? It does seem a little like he wanted the benefits without the emotional effort....

He’s 46

I am really no expert, but at that age if he hasn't ever shown a desire to commit to anyone, he may just not be cut out for long-term relationships, and the compromise and patience that sometimes requires.

For me that's not instant bin but gather evidence.

Planes was married 27 years which on paper looks good until I realised this was testament to the long suffering patience of Mrs Planes and I discovered that their marriage was not always what I would see as marriage.

I see @Chocolatefreak says similar. Eta and we're on the same page about why he doesn't last long xxx

So hard to tell, and three months is crunch time for relationships...I think statistically they often falter then.

Do you look back and think "aha!"

@Betsy95 reading your next post it seems he wants a relationship but doesn't want to make an effort or be accountable. When he talked about why his last relationship ended did he acknowledge his part in it?

The relationship history one is a difficult one - I've been married twice, and had 5 what I would call long term relationships (two years or more and involved some amount of cohabitation). I always think this makes me sound like massive red flag! In reality, there was fault on my side that I have had therapy to try to address - basically I was quite intolerant when younger I think, expected things to be too perfect - but there was also an element of bad luck/picking the wrong guys... Some definitely wronger than others!

For that reason, I think I judge less on the actual number and time frames, and more on what he says about them. Except in very obvious cases like cheating and abuse, I am wary of anyone who holds all of their exes TOTALLY responsible for any problems in the relationship, and seems to have learned nothing from their past experiences. (Yet my most recent two exes were exactly like this - both convinced they were perfect, and that therapy was for broken people like me, not strong, sorted people like them!).

Just to explain, my marriages made up two of the 5 relationships. I made myself sound even more alarming than I am, there! 🤣

@Ilovelurchers you're not alarming at all.
You're not alone either 😁

His last proper relationship ended six years ago and he said she cheated on him.

For the 3-4 month stints since he said they were either incompatible, 1 liked him more than he liked her and he should’ve ended it sooner and the other 1 (the only other apart from me he asked to be in a relationship with) he felt wasn’t as invested as him and they ended it a week after agreeing to be in a relationship.

He did initially try and resolve our argument by saying I just needed to trust he had good intentions, but when I said effort needed to be more balanced he said he didn’t see how it could be 🤦‍♀️

I don’t think that sounds alarming it shows you can commit xx

ps I’ve been married twice too!